How to Bitterly Disappoint Someone or yourself

Expected This.

Expected This.

Got this.

Got this.

This last Friday, I was celebrating yet another terrible week of work, (156 weeks and counting) by ordering a Pizza Hut Pizza(156 weeks and counting).  This is always a way for me to not only mark the last day of the week before I don’t have to do it anymore(for two days), but it is a meal, which I have to have in order to survive until next week.  It is also a good way for me to gain something.  Cholesterol, fat, and stuffed cheese arteries.  This week was particularly disappointing.  I emailed my order of the new 3 Cheese Stuffed Pizza so I could stuff my arteries 3 times faster.  Because I ordered it at 8 am, I had to wait until they opened at 11 am like usual and avoiding work wasn’t passing the time fast enough.  Finally, I stood up to take a stretch, and there was the black shirt and black baseball hat of the Pizza Hut Delivery guy.  The new crust smelled cheesier than all of my posts.  Unfortunately, my sniffer was really bad because the Pizza Hut guy informed me that it was just the regular stuffed crust pizza, because their store never ordered it. Not only that, but the crust was burnt.

For the first time since moments before this happened, I was bitterly disappointed.  Since I am such an expert in bitter disappointment, I have decided to give you a few ways where you can bitterly disappoint people you know or get bitterly disappointed yourself.

Cinderella is the last one to use this cutting edge technology.

Cinderella is the last one to use this cutting edge technology.

1. Tell everyone you know, either by paging, your rotary phone, telegraph, morse code or through your computer using AOL, MySpace, Netscape Navigator, or using your Zune that you are going to enter the NBA Draft.  Tell them that you will reimburse them their airline tickets, hotel, food and gambling expenses as soon as you get your first paycheck for playing for the eventual champions. Don’t get drafted.

Amazing how fast you can change from a nice suit to sweatpants.

Amazing how fast you can change from a nice suit to sweatpants.

2. With your attractive face, charming personality and unending wit, talk to an attractive equal of the opposite sex.  Charm the heck out of them and then ask them for a date.  Call them later in the week, firm up plans, talk about how much fun you are going to have, and show up looking just as attractive, witty, and charming.  Make it through the date, and several more, get married….and thennn act like yourself.

Like I'm going to work for that money you pay me for?

Like I’m going to work for that money you pay me for?

3. Go to school.  Then go again.  And again.  Take math classes.  Fail.  Do just enough to get a D in math.  Do just enough to get a D in Biology.  Barely pass High School. Get into an exclusive Community College.  Barely pass math again.  Barely pass Biology again.  Get a degree.  Do a half jump at your graduation when you realize that you don’t have a job. Get a job that has great co-workers, is a whole lot of fun, but doesn’t pay even one of your bills.  Or get a job that pays some of your bills(except any of your student loans), but has terrible co-workers and no fulfillment.  Work at one of the those places for 35 years.  Order pizza every week with only 1 cheese in the crust that is burnt.

4. Get to know a nice person from Hollywood(you know, that one guy).  Tell them that you have a great idea.  Demand that they give you $200 million to make the film.  Make lots of special effects.  Create a blog post that is semi-funny.  Laugh at a meme that is semi-funny.  Do a Youtube video that goes viral.  Combine all three together 3 years after they have outlived their fadiness.  Make the movie.  Make the most epic trailer ever from scenes of other movies. Market it toward older people that don’t watch TV and can’t hear.  Pay one guy that is a decent reviewer $200,000 for a good review. Build up hype. Release it against another movie that is good.  Watch the movie fizzle in the next week.  Cause bitter disappointment.

The alien looks so human.

The alien looks so human.

5.  Move to Mars.  Live there for 20 years.  Find a flying saucer to fly back with.  Make scary appearances with your UFO late at night in Southern Regions of United States.  Finally when you have got the southerners sufficiently worried, move up to Washington DC.  Hover above the city for about a week, scaring people and causing immediate government action.  Open door slowly.  Walk out all by yourself looking like a human.  Make every sigh disappointedly and walk home with their heads down.

So there you have it.  A disappointing bitter list of bitterly disappointing things.   I would say you’re welcome, but I don’t hear anyone saying thank you.  So disappointed.  Bitterly.

Aaaarrrrggghhhh

Bitter Lee Disappoin Ted Ben

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73 thoughts on “How to Bitterly Disappoint Someone or yourself

  1. Pingback: In case you missed it…It was a lazy week | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Even a single cheese semi burnt pizza is better than what I just ate. If I got out of a space ship looking like myself and people saw my bitterly disappointed face they’d run. Because NO ONE should have eat a tofu dog with kale. I had this idea that it would be like knockwurst and sauerkraut. I’m telling you…bitter?! Not as bitter as that kale…

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  3. So I think I have the stomach flu…I will spare you the vivid details, but let’s just say the guy with pizza all over him made me grossly bitter. I love the mars/spaceship/human disembarking and letting everyone down! Hilarious!

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  4. I am bitterly disappointed that my date, now my husband, has turned out not to be the rose giving, clean shirt wearer, hosting candle dinners guy he was all though years ago. Now, it is discount flowers when he remembers our anniversary, clean shirt optional, and a what’s for dinner asking guy…

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    • The idea for this one struck when I bitterly disappointing someone. I can’t remember when it happened, because it happens about 25 hours a day and 8 days a week. I can’t remember if it was my wife, my kids, my family or the internet.

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