Bitter Burger Review

I think they need more things on the wall.  I saw a part of the wall that was only triple covered.

I think they need more things on the wall. I saw a part of the wall that was only triple covered.

In doing research for my Bitter Restaurant, I am trying to go to as many restaurants as I can for research(and by as as many as I can, I mean like once a month).  I need to find the least politically correct name, the worst service and the most deceitful pricing.  While no restaurant will ever be all those things until the Bitter Restaurant is officially open years from now, I did find a fantastically bitter example this weekend that will surely provide bitterspiration for the final product.

Let’s start with the name.  Every bitter restaurant needs a completely perplexing name.  The one we visited Friday was called XXX Rootbeer Drive-in.  While it is a perplexing name for a burger restaurant, they at least gave it a go.  I’ve been spitballing a few names and here are a few I came up with. How about Arsenic Filled Rhurbarb Cakes or Salmonella Sausage House of Floor Tacks?  I’m still looking into names that will cause failure to happen the fastest.

XXX's service was on par with the US Mail.  We want to be worse, much worse.  We know we can do it.

XXX’s service was on par with the US Mail. We want to be worse, much worse. With lazy work, we can do it.

The next thing that I learned from XXX  was completely unacceptable service.  We walked in and were not greeted by anyone, because they were too busy standing in the corner talking about how much they hated their jobs.  Instead, they had a sign saying that we should get our own dang menus and seat your own darn self.  I, of course, bitterly respected the heck out of that method.  I would take it a few steps further by misprinting the menu, double booking seats and hiring only the most bitter servers.  In fact, my servers will be only be poorly trained Bitterians that failed miserably at my B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness, Server Addition.

The next way XXX Rootbeer Drive-In bitterspired me was in their pricing.  I went there with the expectation of not paying much because of their 1950’s theme.  I went in with a dollar bill and was expecting to feed my family of four and walking out with $.50 change after my penny tip.  (I know. I am generous tipper.)  While they fooled customers by using modern day overpricing, they also found other ways to overcharge.  They only accepted what they used to call “cash or checks”.  You know, because they didn’t have credit or debit cards back then.  My favorite charge was the sharing charge though.  If you wanted to eat someone else’s food you got charged $2.00 additional.  While I appreciated the $2.00 charge, I don’t think they took it far enough.  I would start with a “walking in” fee, a “parking fee”, “sitting fee”, a “plate fee”, etc.  I have not begun to figure out all the charges, but they will be a bitter part of the dining experience.  Then when I fail miserably, the Food Network will swoop in with all their shows and to try to save my restaurant and I will use them for pubilicty like a Bachelor on the Bachelorette.  And bitter publicity is the best of all.

We are going to use Food Network, like a Bachelor uses "The Bachelorette".

We are going to use Food Network, like a Bachelor uses “The Bachelorette”.

I’m really bitter that this restaurant didn’t go far enough on getting on customer’s nerves though.  For that I only give it 4 bitter roots out of 5.


Bitter Foodie Ben



90 thoughts on “Bitter Burger Review

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  4. I’m on board for everything except double booking the seats. I was once at an outdoor bar and it rained. I was sharing my seat with several other people and it was a bit awkward to look to either side and have someone’s butt in my face. Thankfully, it was a gay bar. And the whole thing was hilarious when the floor started flooding.

    Anyway, because I’m arguing that you shouldn’t double book seats, I feel like I need to come up with another bitter idea to replace that one. I think you should make milkshakes with soy milk and stuff that won’t taste the same. But it will look the same and confuse your customers. Only you would know the truth and you could make sure they felt like they were completely crazy by the time they left.


    • A couple of years ago for my wedding anniversary we went to Cheesecake Factory and we ended up sitting right between a grandma and her annoying granddaughter and the waiter area. It was the most romantic night ever. I’m pretty sure this will make people bitter….I like your idea too. No reason why we can’t use that idea too.


      • Cheesecake factory…. omg you have good taste. I would have taken a slice of cheesecake to go in order to make up for that torment. Have you tried their corn fritters? Heaven. Absolute heaven.


        • There are always so many options that I don’t know where to start with them. I usually get pasta and enjoy listening to other people’s conversations because they are practically sitting on my lap.


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  6. In the spirit of Salmonella Sausage, what about Giardia Gourmet or Shigella’s Saloon? And don’t forget to charge a complaint fee, or a fee to use the toilet.


    • I’m definitely open to more fees and the toilet fee is definitely right up there. My favorite part is that I will be not be revealing all these fees until it is too late. I hope to have bitter word of mouth.


    • The Salmonella gives it that specific flavor that people want to avoid. Which is great because who wants to serve people anyways? They would just be bothering me, always asking me to make them dinner. Get your own dinner!


    • I really like that name. People are repulsed by teeth and nails and they could be littered on the floor causing people to not want to be there. Staff will wear bitter looks and too much flair.


      • Glad you like the name, and of course waitstaff would fight tooth and nail for tables/sections. Your tooth and nail litter idea would replace the old peanut shell on the floor concept.


        • The whole peanut shell thing is so tired and it’s time for a new concept and that concept is pain. We will charge $25 for tetanus shots and that is where the revenue will come from.


  7. HEY, BEN, I’m baaaack! Love the article, particularly the comment re: the TRIPLE-COVERED WALL…apologies for my absence (see my latest post if you wanna know why..which is GOOD NEWS, btw), but I promise to have something insanely positive to annoy you REALLY SOON…


  8. Watch it with all the fees, or people will call your restaurant “Ticketmaster”. And don’t you dare use the name “Jennifer’s Wiener Hut”. I already have plans for that one.


    • I need to add more fees. Do you think I want to have better service than Ticketmaster. As much as I want to use Jennifer’s Wiener Hut, I think I will respectfully and bitterly allow you to have it, and won’t sue as long as I can have a free one.


  9. I think I found the perfect waitress for you. She works at a chain restaurant in a US airport. I won’t say where it is here because if you have any competition in the bitter restaurant field, they might snap her up before you do.


    • I’m not worried about the competition when it comes to bitter. In fact, I’m pretty sure that when the time comes, that person will have been fired 5 times and my restaurant will attract her like a bee to honey.


  10. Ben’s Bitter Burgers isn’t a good enough name?

    You could mix turnips into the meat before cooking That will make it very bitter. For the healthy bitter burger, you could add ground quinoa to the mix. For southern burgers, add finely ground cornmeal. Then for the western burger, don’t forget to add a few prickly pear cactus thorns.


  11. 4 outta 5 ain’t too bad for bitterness! I would defintely want to work at your restaurant. I’m certain I would win world’s worst, and most bitter, server!


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