It is that time of year. You know what I’m talking about. Summer. Okay, not calendarly for another 3 weeks. And not weather wise because it is still gray and cloudy. Not in school terms either, because our kids aren’t out yet. And not summer barbeque wise yet, because we haven’t had any summer bar-b-que’s at work yet. (Though if I may be so bitter, we haven’t had those for three years now, so it is summer in terms of we haven’t had any barbeques).
The bitterest thing of the summer isn’t going outdoors to the beach or camping, fishing or boating, working on the house, or inside stewing about the heat with the air conditioning on or watching summer re-runs or sleeping lazily in a sweat nap. The bitterest part of the summer is the Movie Trailers. Or in other words, the fastest way to go from super pumped to bitter. Though I am the Agent Smith of Bitterness, Movie Trailers get 3 1/2 stars out of 4 in Bitter Entertainment Weekly(You are welcome for that mixed metaphor).
What makes a Bitter Movie Trailer? The employees or “characters”. Let’s start with Title. As the boss of Movie Trailer, Title feels like it is the most important part of the whole process, when in fact, all it does is appear at the end while taking all the credit. He may appear in the beginning as well, but don’t count on it. Sometimes he doesn’t even appear in the Trailer at all or he is so well hidden that Neo would have to fight Agent Smith just to cover your hide, so you could go into the Matrix to find the Title in a meeting or “motivating” the rest of the Trailer.
Trailer Music is tired of inspiring you. TM has been manipulating your emotions by manipulating the same 12 notes with uptight violins, psychotic drums and operetic style opera singers in tandem with exploding explosions for so long that she hears the music in her sleep. Trailer music just needs a break. Day after day, she sits in her cubicle, back straight, staring at the same green screen with PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES bouncing on her screen trying to think of just the right notes for you. The worst part of Trailer Music’s life is the fact that she works so hard to be good for the trailer only to be left out of Actual Movie. Talk about bitter.
One of the veteran’s of Trailer, Loud Explosion has been around for a while. He has bad knees, bad back and a really large headache. He wants to retire, but can’t because of the constant need for Loud Explosion to be in every trailer. It has been a disatrophe. In fact, the other day, he was asked to do an explosion in a romantic comedy. It played so well, that now other romantic comedies are asking for him. He just started pounding his head on his desk and exploded.
Camera angle’s head is loopy because of all the years of being spun around, carried as a handheld, moved up and down on a pole, its eyes being focused forward and back, and being forced to be put in impossible places. It just wants to sit in a room for just a few minutes and well….just stare straight ahead. Real movie camera angles at least occasionally get to sit still.
Trailer Car has a speed..ing problem. He barely ever takes time to stop and smell the rose scented car freshener. His life has been speeding by so fast, he was just a year old 2 months ago. Now he is 40 and his exhaust is exhausted. He just wants a moment to ponder, but between his Movie Trailer day job, and his Minivan wife and two Mini-Coopers at home, he barely gets a moment to tinker in his garage when he gets home.
In contrast to Trailer Car, Close up Slow-mo feels like her career is going nowhere fast. She looks cool for sure, and she is a little bit of a drama queen, but is never on time. She never seems to be able to keep up or get any jokes. In fact, she can’t even keep up with her pets, the three toed sloth Gunit, and her turtle Turbo. She would be break down and cry at home, if she could ever get there by the end of the day.
So when you think of how terrible the movie is in contrast to the movie trailer, remember these poor bitter souls that toil bitterlessly to make this great trailer, only to be blamed for how terrible the movie was. You think you are bitter you got nothing on Bitter Movie Trailer people. Only I do.
And a bitter summer to you…when it starts.
Bitter “Agent Smith” Ben
P.S. Looking for something else to bitter about on Friday? Check out my new Page of Bitter Pictures. Click on tab called Bitter Pictures above.
Related articles
- Movie trailers: too much of a good thing? (bechereremily.wordpress.com)
- National Association of Theater Owners Pushes for Shorter Movie Trailers (slashfilm.com)
- Are Movie Trailers Too Long? Theater Owners Think So (entertainment.time.com)
Pingback: Random Acts of Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
I hate movie trailers. And right now I’m bitter because you’re not showing up in my reader.
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I’m also bitter that the “like” button won’t load.
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I am also bitter that you don’t “like” my blog. May your oversized sunglasses break in two.
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I am also bitter about movie trailers and that you have chosen to discontinue my blog from your reader.
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Bitter as in they show the best parts in the trailers, so why even go see it?! Oh, right, to get bitterer 😉 Off to look at Bitter Pictures!
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Bitter films will be what I call my film production company. Cause I like creative names like that.
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Ha HA! And the Bitter Pictures were hysterical, btw!
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Grumpy cat agrees.
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In between Seattle and the North Pole lies a largely unexplored country called Canada.
The government here is primitive and only allows us shoes every other week.
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Oh I see. Since Canada is so large it must have lots of people and warm weather right?
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Well, i can’t speak for the rest of the country, but here on the whaleside of Canada, we only see snow once ever four years. Government austerity program and all that, you know. We take pictures to taunt the Torontonians, who regularly defect and come crawling over here begging for ‘winter asylum’.
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Another quirk of the Canadians. You have a place called whaleside. What in the heavens name is that?
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*rolls eyes*
Well BB, if you look down here, i’ll draw you a small sketch… as in, if i sit outside the Richmond Olympic Oval, i can literally see whales spitting at each other. Of course, they’re all timid, so i’ll be drawing them in invisible ink.
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So you live near the Olympics. That would have been much easier for me to imagine that Whale watching side of Canada. Bitterness blinds you from realizing obvious things like whales. So you live right above us in Seattle, waving your superiority at us. So bitter!
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I had a bitter day yesterday, it got over 100 in Arizona, and then the Electric Company shuts off our power for four hours!(I thought I was in HELL…) Too bitter with a side of extra spicy salsa. 😦
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I am bitter that it isn’t 100 degrees here ever.
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You should consider watching better movies.
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Trailers should stop making me believe that movies are good.
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Your wife must look forward to movie dates with you:)
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She prefers Netflix. I usually go to the cool ones by myself and she will go shopping.
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I think watching a film with you would be like mystery science theatre 3000 uncensored
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I may be bitter about everything, but I don’t swear. So it would be bittertaining fun for everyone else but me.
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Lol I try to watch the swear words too. I started a swear jar and now it costs me:)
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There is no way I am going to pay myself money.
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You’d be cheap
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I am cheap, that is why I wouldn’t pay myself.
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It’s summer time… but not in any way other than trailers (HAHAHAHHAHA) that was awesome and a little depressing.
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Here in Seattle we don’t have summer until late August and it ends early September.
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i live north of you and we only used to get three days of sunshine a year. Then, people would stagger out into the streets crying, ‘What did we do?’ to the rain powers that be and cower inside till it was all over.
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There are places north of Seattle? There are places that have less sun? People really live on the North Pole?
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Lucky you! It is already hot as hot can be and only getting hotter.
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Sounds like your winter is about as long as our summer.
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Yeah… well I would say its like 6 months on 6 months off.. I might be on crack though. It gets cold(ish) in October and hot in April-May
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You might be on crack, but the good kind that allows you to correctly assess the situation.
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HAHHAHAHhehehe.
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Is that a crack laugh?
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I think ppppffffftttt is a crack laugh.
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I wouldn’t know. 🙂
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butt crack
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That makes more sense.
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My husband actually prefers the trailers. Sometimes…I SWEAR, he will watch a trailer (in my desperate attempts to get him to actually watch a movie) and he will say, “I’m good with the trailer”. He has a point. 99.9% of the time, the movie turns out to be crap.
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I get so psyched about some movies, I can barely contain myself. Then, I watch the movies and they are terrible.
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I like the movie trailer voice guy. I want to hire him to read my grocery list while I shop!
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You can hire me for less than half the cost. I have a deep and monotone voice.
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calendarly? Thank goodness the english language is not a dead language, but one that continually expands and contributes to the well being of our society… (writes new word down)
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My blog allows me to use 2 new made up on my own words per post. Doesn’t yours?
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i prefer to use yours.
You don’t mind, do you?
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If people want to make up bitter words on my blog then yest, you bitter believe it.
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I commend you for your empathy for Bitter Movie Trailer People, but what about those of us who depend upon trailers to decide which movie to watch? What about when all the best parts (whose value lies in being unanticipated) show up in the trailer? What about when some of those best scenes even get cut from the movie? What about when we wanna see it anyway, but, as you mentioned, the title is nowhere to be found. What about when the trailer is made SO FAR in advance that they haven’t even filmed any scenes yet so all we get is music, graphics, and FAMOUS actors and actresses standing around doing nothing. What about when those Bitter Movie Trailer People actually do everything right! Offer the most engaging of scenes, magnificent music, even a glimpse of the title. It’s now June and I can’t wait to see what the final graphic will announce as the release date. What? You’ve got to be kidding! Christmas? How will I ever remember the title ’til then? Wait a sec, there’s more: OF NEXT YEAR!!! Do I have every right to be bitter or what???
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I think you could start a bitter blog based on this comment alone. In fact, this isn’t even a comment. This is a blog post. Get a website and post it!
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If somebody used MY blog to host their OWN blog comments, it would REALLY MAKE ME BITTER (your welcome).
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I’m going to get a blog that is just comments. Ben’s bitter comments. You bitter not steal the website from me, web squatter.
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Personally, I love movie trailers. It’s the best part of the movie! I want them to make a movie out of nothing but trailers.
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I can relate to how bitter Trailer Car is, working really hard and coming home to his Mini-Coopers that don’t appreciate him.
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Who gets to approve the trailers as being suitable for all audiences? I’d like that job.
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I assume that if you were in charge, all trailers would be redband and allow all the language and filth.
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Summer do not confuse me..trailer don’t allure me..titles are always the punch lines for remembering the movie for writing later on..
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Titles just think they are so funny.
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and its a bitter blog 😉 not funny :)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Yeah, Trailer, you aren’t welcome on my blog until you are bitter about things.
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😦
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😦 😦 😦
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Sad is a little different than bitter.
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