Okay everyone, meeting in the conference room, 5 minutes. Alright is everyone here? Fantastic. Today’s meeting is to discuss further the meaning of a meeting. You know that expression “Unnecessary is the mother of all meetings?” No? Well, it’s new. I just made it up. It’s also true and it is the bitter topic of the day, so it was necessary to invent it. So deal with it. If you ever have to use that quote, just remember I trademarked it. If you ever use it, please send payment to me, C/O Ben’s Bitter Blog, and remember I was the one that made it up. Also, make sure to use this quote right after you say it. “Here is all my money, Bitter Ben”. Address the envelope, then send it through the mail or Western Union. See how I am rambling and getting off track here? That is a meeting. And now it is dismissed. Well, right after you read all these things that make meetings bitter.
1. Meetings are a black hole of information. If you came with information, it will be gone before you leave. If you leave with any, it doesn’t make sense or words are missing.
2. Meeting are a great way to talk about things that relate to me not at all.
3. Meetings are like that prison that in the original Superman with the rotating rings around the SuperVillan prisoners. Even Superman couldn’t escape meetings.
4. Meetings are like the hospice of good ideas, creativity and enthusiasm. Except hospices at least give your ideas dignity before they die a slow, painful death.
5. Meetings are a place where heavy sleep and nightmares get interupted by a more terrifying thing called work and reality.
6. Meetings are a magical way to take a discussion that would take 5 minutes between two people and cause it to be a 2 hour discussion between 10 people.
7. Meetings are a way to discuss things like productivity, efficiency and teamwork, and condensing it into a two hour fight club.
8. Meetings are a way to forget things by discussing them over and over again. So you can..uh what were we talking about?
9. Meetings are the one thing that is more boring than work. Talking about work.
10. Meetings are a good way to learn skills like work avoidance, eye rolling, muttering things under your breath, glossed over eye look, heavy sigh and loud snoring.
11. Meetings are a way for the group know-it-all to display their skills of talking endlessly about nothing.
12. Meetings are a way to learn technical knowledge that you can easily forget before you even learn it.
13. Meetings are a way that you can bring a smartphone or laptop to a meeting and get caught surfing the web in a whole new way.
14. Meetings are a way for the least funny person in the room to practice how their stand up will be in real life. Also to a silent room.
The ironic thing is that I came up with all this in a boring meeting. Meeting dismissed. Get back to doing your bitter jobs.
Bitter “Dying slowly in a meeting” Ben