Small Talk Bitterness

Just like my words, they are good, but nobody notices.

Just like my words, they are good, but nobody notices.

I am a fan of the NBA team San Antonio Spurs. As a fan, from time to time I buy merchandise and when I do, I like to take care of it. I try not to spill grape juice or industrial strength acid on it because I care if it gets stained. I often wear such merchandise on special occasions like meeting the president…of the local chapter of TV watchers or to casual day at work. Though I don’t do the laundry that much(and by that much I mean barely ever), but if I did I would wash these shirts on delicate and let them air dry in a spring looking location in order to give them that just fresh from the dryer smell. What I don’t like to do with my shirts is share them with other people, wear them while painting, or at a party . Because I want my shirts to feel special. That’s just the kind of shirt wearer I am.

I am also a fan of words, and just like the way I treat my special Spurs shirt, I also treat words with just as much respect. I don’t like to use them while painting, or wasting them on other people.  Some people wonder why I don’t talk all the time.  It’s because I like words and I save them for special occasions like this blog.  So when you see me at a party, not using words with you, just know that it’s because I not only respect them(words) too much to waste them you, but I am also observing, deciding if your are worthy of my clever ones.    Here’s some examples of words you shouldn’t waste on me:

“What is your name?” Usually I respond by mumbling my name because I don’t want to waste such a valuable word on someone who is just going to forget it by the end of our conversation.  Just know that you shouldn’t waste your time telling me yours, because unless it is mine, or it is the same as a celebrity so I can laugh at you, I will forget it. No offense (actually offense).

“How was your weekend?” Words can’t describe how little I am going to tell you about what I did. Even if flew to Hawaii on the wings of an angel, skydived off its back, pulled off a parachute, landed in the Pacific Ocean into the jaws of a shark, got bit, and jumped up in the air, did a flip, grabbed some rope and started waterskiing behind the shark, I would still just tell you “It was fine. Too short.” These awesome words are wasted on a “How was your weekend?” type of person.

What did you do this weekend? "Not much."

What did you do this weekend? “Not much.”

It’s not that I don’t want to get to know some people. Some people. I am very much interested in people that do or say things in a creative way, and people that think I am funny.  Some people seem to have the magical ability in a short span of time to find something interesting about someone. My special power is the ability to detect in a very short time that I will not like someone. My power isn’t perfect and from time to time I have been wrong. I think once.

Someone (possibly me) needs to come up with a way to find out in a short time if we wanted to hang out with someone for more than a minute. For ordinary people unlike me or that Small Talk Genius, I think I have the solution. I call it your FaceTwitBlog detector. You place this device on you somewhere. It could something like those “Hello, I’m _____” stickers, or if you are a tatoo person you can have it placed on your skin. My favorite would be to make it a fashion thing (did I just say fashion? I shouldn’t use words I know nothing about).  A T-shirt, a pair of jeans, your calculator watch, or maybe even on your purse(if you are a girl).

I've always wanted to give another name.

I don’t know why we do these tags.  No one remembers our names anyways.


The device would stream your top three posts from Facebook, Twitter, or your blog for all to read. From a distance if you want, or if you walk by the person it would detect if your FacetwitBlog were compatable with the other person in question. It would only beep if it met your settings requirement. Anywhere on the scale of “Don’t talk to me for any reason,”(my normal setting) to “I am desperate and will talk to anyone about anything!”


The FaceTwitBlog detector would be like this except it would show all your boring tweets and facebook posts.

What have we learned today? I am bitter that this device hasn’t been invented yet.  I am a fan of words, so you know only my best and most amusing words are being used. Your welcome. And small talk makes me bitter.


Bitter Ben


6 thoughts on “Small Talk Bitterness

  1. Sorry about stealing your idea for questions. I will delet the post so noone has any evidence that you wrote something remotely like mine. Besides no one reads my blog so you wouldn’t have to worry about any of your readers recognizing anything here.


  2. Great post, but I had some trouble relating because I make it my mission to spill grape juice or industrial strength acid on everything nice thing I own. Also: “My special power is the ability to detect in a very short time that I will not like someone.” We have that in common.


  3. Imagine all the possibilites of all the settings you could put on your Facetwitblog. People would probably start messing with it by posting stuff that was cool just so they could get a better rating with someone. But then again, people that aren’t cool probably wouldn’t be able to fake coolness either. There should definitely be fake setting. When I invent it, I’ll make sure that is part of it. 🙂 Sorry to make you think on a Friday by the way.


  4. There should be a fake mother fucker setting too.

    College… “What’s your major?” Really, that’s what you want to ask someone at a party, when no one wants to think about school? My major is drinking and you clearly have nothing better to say than that so I have to bounce.

    Another one in college was “Find me on Facebook.” When it first came out. I am guilty of telling someone I would find them on facebook two weeks ago, but that is because he was from Kenya and cool as fuck, but I have a boyfriend and collectively we didn’t want his number we just might hang out in the future (but probably not).

    Your post got me thinking! 😛


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