The bitter environment

See how water is so neglectful of the enviroment? Why is the enviroment so mean to itself? It always want to blame us humans.

The environment makes me so bitter.  I understand this is not going to make me popular because the environment is such vital, protected thing.  Everyone loves the environment.  It can do no wrong.  The trees give us oxygen so we can breathe.  The ozone layer protects us from cancer and rabies and flesh eating viruses from space.   And let’s never pollute the crystal clear water that brings us life, for if we don’t drink everyday we die.  Our bodies are made up of something like 115% water.  We must cherish it for future generations right?

I call bull on the environment.  So it does a few things for us.  But, look closely at what the enviroment really does to us and it itself really.  Hurricanes, floods, fires, unrelenting heat, rotting wood.   Not only does the enviroment punish us despite the fact that some of us try to care for it, but the enviroment also destroys itself.  How can I be expected to take care of it, if it doesn’t even take care of itself.  You might say that some of the things we do collectively destroy the enviroment.  Maybe because I have to spray my hair in the morning so I don’t look like a complete bed head.  Sorry if I don’t want to get fired just so I can save this invisible “ozone” layer, by making a tiny hole in it.   I know, I’m so destructive.   Or maybe I have to use a piece of paper so I can print out a funny picture so I can scan it to email to someone and that piece of paper comes from a precious tree that we “must protect” (imagine me saying that with a deep movie preview voice),  or I accidently mix spill some motor oil in a tiny bit of water, thus polluting mother earth.  Is that even a fraction of what Mother earth is doing to herself?

The other day I was driving so innocently in my car, not littering and all of a sudden the “environment” decided that it needed to rain.  Not because I was littering, but because it just felt like it.  Now I have to go home and wash my car which causes some unclean soap to drip into my ditch and thus polluting the water supply again.  So even though I am doing the bare minimum to not pollute, now the environment is forcing me to pollute it.  Now I’m not being “kind” to the earth.  Do you see why I am so bitter about the enviroment? 

And this in nothing in comparison to the devistation that the enviroment is causing everywhere else.  How about New Orleans?  Why is the environment so mad at them?  Or Florida? Or Japan? What did they do litter something?  Did they throw away a cup that should have been in the recycle bin?  Did they forget to plant a tree before they used a piece of paper?

Not to mention how much the trees have against us.  Every time there is a tiny storm, the trees have to fall down and cause devistation upon me, or my house or car or street that I drive on?  I don’t drive on trees, why do they have to break and fall on my road?  And I don’t watch TV on their branches, why do they have to fall on my TV wires and  destroy my cable and my electrity for that matter?  I don’t see them trying to repair my wires whenever they use it for their evil purposes. 

I don’t even need to mention water, but I will.  For all the good it does, imagine all the bad it does.  How about the water in my shower. Why does it take so long to warm up?  Why does it always have to start cold?  And it promises to wash my dishes nice and clean, but if I don’t use the right detergent it decides to not wash off correctly and leave water spots.  Why must you destroy my dishes?  And the sweat spots on water glasses?  I leave you with some ice for a little bit and you have to make a water mess all over my glass and it drips on my shirt.  Thanks a lot water.  I’m glad I have to work so hard to keep you clean, and then you decide to prank my shirt every single day. 

So forgive my bitterness towards the environment.  I am so sorry I put my paper with water on it in the wrong recycle bin.  Just know that it is my revenge for all the mean and bitter things you do to me.  I’m watching you enviroment.  Me and all my bitter enemies and friends are going to get our vengence upon you by littering things every once in a while.  Don’t mess with us.


Bitter Ben the non evironmentalist


One thought on “The bitter environment

  1. By expressing feelings like that it’s lucky we have any environment at all! Do you even know what you’re doing? What would happen if there was no environment, huh? I guess we douldn’t even be asking the questions ’cause we woudn’t even be! Put that in your pipe and smoke it – a dirty environment is better than none.


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