Phones make me so bitter. There must have been a telemarketer that was calling me in the room of the hospital when I was born, disturbing my birth. That is how bitter I am about phones. I want to go back in time to when Alexander Graham Bell was working on it and tell him to stop. I promise that I will visit him face to face, and not call him.
Here is a list of things about phones that make me bitter.
1. Telemarketers. We don’t want to talk to them and they don’t want to talk to us. They are door to door salesman, without having to come to your door. They don’t take no for an answer and won’t hang up until you buy stuff. Somehow they always call in the middle of dinner, your favorite show and when you are putting your baby to bed. Then they wonder why no one wants to talk to them. I should know, I used to be one.
2. Everyone has to have one, but no one wants to talk on them. Most everyone in America has one either at home, work, or a cell phone, that is both. Yet, no one really wants to talk on it. When I get home from work the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone whether I like them or not on a phone. When I’m at work, every time I get a call it interupts what I am working on and becomes anything from an annoyance to changing completely what I have to do for the rest of the day.
3. They are expensive. First you have to buy the phone(if it is a fancy cell phone you are talking 500+), then you have to hook up the phone service, which is a monthly thing(and a cell phone is usually a minimum 2 year agreement), then you have to pay the government all these taxes for nonsensicle things on your phone bill that didn’t even exist. Then if you want to call long distance (from say Renton to Redmond) there are extra charges. All for the privelege of talking to people you don’t want to about things that make you bitter and then you hang up in a rage.
4. It is spelled with a PH. Why can’t it be spelled with and F, like Fon. Why does everything about phones have to be so complicated?
5. I am not a dog. But whenever phones ring I act exactly like one. I am Pavlov’s dog. I have been conditioned from the time that I was very young, that when you hear that certain ring, it is your phone and you are supposed to pick it up and say hello. I am as trained as a dog. Now I don’t know if a dog is annoyed at the stupid ring every time the bell is rung, but I sure am and it seems like regardless if the call is for me or not, I have been trained to pick it up and endure the awkward pain of talking to someone.
6. Annoying rings. Alexander Graham Bell should have invented something else to make the sound of a ring. So, maybe he wasn’t thinking about that at the time and he could wait for someone else to invent that later. Well, it has been 136 years and still not one ringtone that sounds anywhere near something I want to here.
7. Answering machines/voice mails. You call someone and it rings 4-6 times and no one is home or no one is answering. Most phones have devices that allow you to leave a message on someones phone. So when you were planning on talking to someone and they aren’t there and you get the voice mail, do you listen to the message? Do you leave a message. I would like to listen to or talk to the person that has actually left a message that sounded half way intelligent. Let’s say you leave a message. What is the percentage of messages that are actually answered back and how many are ignored. I would say we are talking a 99%/1% split. But that is just my scientific guess.
8. The greeting. How is the best way to answer the phone? Is it hello? Is it “Yellow”? Is it Ed’s Poultry Factory, which chick do you want(for a girl)? I mean who is the one that sets how you answer?
9. The ending. How do you wrap up these things? Let’s say you are on the phone with someone and they are just boring you and you just want to watch TV? Or play games? How does it end? Do you just say “Enough already, I gotta go!” or “I’ve done this survey for 20 minutes now and you promised only 20, so bye,” “or no, you can’t come over and play!”
10. They never work when you need them. Most people carry around cell phones 23/6 and for some reason they work every minute of the day you don’t need them, but as soon as you are stranded in the middle of the desert, you can’t get cell service. What the heck telephones? Where is your coverage now?
11. The fancy cell phone. I have a cell phone that costs $100 a month and the like for “unlimited minutes”, “cell to cell” minutes, and the like so technically I could talk something like 20,000 minutes per month “for free”. I want a cell phone plan that allows about 30 minutes a month and gets unlimited data and texting. But no, they have it all switched around. Greedy cell phone companies!
So as you can tell, I might be a little bitter about phones. Sue me. But make sure you call my cell phone and leave a message and I will get right back to you. But leave your name, number and a brief message, or I won’t be able to. Arrrrgh I am so bitter!