Marvel Studios came out with a show called What If? that explored scenarios of what would have happened if one small thing changed in the Marvel Universe. The ultimate “What If?” is what if you won the lottery? Almost everyone would pay off all their debts, and then in order they would do three things: Buy a new house (or houses), get a new car (or cars), and travel the world.

I would absolutely do the first two. The first order of business would be building a house with a media room, a candy stand where I only have to pay 1960’s prices, a popcorn machine with free refills, and a freestyle soda machine that has all those flavors. I would import the biggest TV that was allowed by man. Not a movie screen. We’re talking a 150 inch TV that would need to be airlifted into the room before the roof was built. Then I would the best sound system available so I could go more deaf than I already am. The house will need to have more hidden rooms than actual rooms. I want them behind paintings, bookshelves, safes, even laundry rooms. I want hidden rooms inside hidden rooms. I want to be able to disappear from kids, the IRS, the federal government even salesmen. I’ll need so many hidden rooms to go through so many bunkers underground, that have so many labyrinths that I need a GPS to find my way through the house.

In addition, I’ll need security in the form of a moat around my house, with vicious crocodiles, sharks with laser beams attached to their heads and electric eels that answer only to me. I’ll need the walls lined with kryptonite, so even Superman couldn’t get in if he wanted. I’ll also need some radar jamming, and ant-bunker buster missiles, so even the U.S. Military couldn’t get in. I’ll also need a no soliciting sign.

As far as cars go, I just need a slight upgrade from the cars that I’ve had for the last 30 years. Which means a 2000 Honda Accord would be an upgrade. However, I wouldn’t mind one with a new car smell, a cool dashboard, and a radio would be great. It doesn’t need to be that fast (I’m not in a hurry to get anywhere), though if it could be a stick shift and the ability to turn invisible like Wonder Woman’s jet, and that could drive through other cars, that would be great for traffic and all that.

As far as travelling? Here’s an unpopular opinion. I don’t like travelling. When I retire, I DO NOT want to travel the world. I’ve only done a little in my life, and I have to say, I left a 1 out of 10 stars on Yelp. If I had two weeks off of work, and I had the choice to go to Hawaii, or stay at home, 10 times out of 9, I’d choose home.

Here’s the thing about travelling. Automatically, two days are complete wastes, the first day travelling and the last day coming back. The first and last day are just inverses. Getting to airport at ungodly hour, waiting hours in airport, or in plane, or getting ready to take off or being released, going through security, etc. Being around other people who are just as cranky as you. Almost always take all day, no matter how far you go, usually flying through multiple time zones, thus wasting multiple hours either going or coming back. Then there is the finding transportation and getting to a hotel, AirBNB or relatives house and spending time getting refreshed from the hideous day of travel, by showering or organizing clothes, and fighting with the people you’re with to decide what you want to do with the rest of the night.

The next day, you want to sleep, because you are on vacation, but there is also this pressure to do something fun, because you are on vacation. So you are tired, but instead of sleeping in, that a normal person would do on a vacation, you wake up at the crack of dawn and go to breakfast somewhere. In the meantime, some people want to relax by the pool, while others want to go on a hike, while others want to site see or go to a mall and get some toothpaste they forgot to pack. Or you have to go to the amusement park you paid $200 per person per day to go to. But you forgot sunscreen and it’s 100 degrees out, and your shorts are a little tight, and your shoes aren’t comfy as you remember. You split up with your group to do different things, and one group wants to go to this park and one wants to go to another park. And you enjoyed the one ride, but the line was 2 hours long and thousands of guests are now here, and you are now hungry, but the food is $40 for a Krispy Kreme donut.

After that first day of amusement parking, your feet are killing you, because you haven’t walked this much since you were in high school and you have four more days of walking in these amusement parks. But you need to make family memories, so you go everyday, knowing that want you really want to do is take a nap. But your kids are hungry and tired and want a stupid hat that costs $50, and you realize that hat is more than you make in two hours, so now you’re thinking about how much work you’ll have to do to pay for it. Now you’re thinking about work, which you were trying to escape, but now you’re thinking even MORE about it. Now you start fantasizing about laying on your couch instead of being stuck with 2 and half more days of endless walking, and paying for expensive food and waiting in 2 hours lines that might as well be the DMV, because at least you can get your tabs done there.

Then after an exhausting week of vacation, where all your clean clothes are history, so you have to re-wear your clothes you wore on the first day, you have to check out of a hotel, rush to get an airport, go through security, wait more hours in an airport in your stinky clothes, and waste the second day of your vacation, just trying to get home in one piece, to then get home, lay on the couch you were dreaming of just to then have to go back to work the next day and catch up with everything your co-workers did not do for you while you were gone. And have to pretend like you had a great time on vacation and pretend that you are refreshed and ready to work for another 6 months so you can afford to pay off your “relaxing week” of vacation.

You might be wondering why I don’t like travelling or why I’m even talking about it.

Well, I was supposed to go on another cruise at the end of May. As part of the one I went in December, my wife and son couldn’t go, so we got another one to compensate for them not being able to go. If you couldn’t tell by the above several paragraphs of ranting, I’m not a fan of vacations. So you might understand why I was elated to find out that my brother and sister-in-law were kind enough to take the cruise off our hands.

I’ve never been more excited in my life to NOT go on vacation. I feel like Tom Cruise after he finally completes a mission in Mission Impossible, where he can finally take a moment, just that one moment, to relax and just lay there. That was me when my sister-in-law agreed to take the Cruise off my hands.

Almost as excited as you are to be able to see this week Bitter Friday Giftures…

Marvel Studios did a series based on the question of What If…

Most people’s ultimate What If…

Almost everyone would buy things…

First they would buy a small new house…

Next they would buy a humble…

Right after that…

I would do the first two…

But the travelling…

Because I can’t stand…

I’d rather watch others travel…

And when it comes to surfing…

Which is the reason why…

When I found out that I didn’t…

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Tom Not Cruise Ben