You know you are getting old when you’re the oldest person in the office, when even your CEO, President, and boss are younger than you. Except maybe the bosses father, who might still work for the company just so he can get out of the house, and something to do between pickleball matches. Another way you know you are old is when your co-workers coming from college have parents that are younger than you. And those same co-workers are the same age as your kids, even though you started having kids in your 30’s.

Man, I hope I never get that old. Regardless of how old it might feel to be someone like that, I feel like I should be much closer to retiring than I am right now. Somehow I have at least 12 years left before I can at least start thinking about retiring, because I don’t have a million sitting in my 401K or an inheritance coming in from a rich uncle.

Some might say I’m going through a mid-life crisis, but that can’t possibly be a thing, because if that were true, then I’m living until I’m 106, unless I get dementia. Then I’ll live as long as I can torture the rest of you. We all know that’s not going to happen, because bitter people die young. The second reason I know I’m not going through a mid-life crisis is that I clearly can’t afford to buy a new sports car, when my current car is held together by duct tape and is only worth $35 right now, because the tank is 3/4 full. By the end of next week it will only be worth $2, until I fill it back up. Kars for Kids came by to look at my Kar, and was like, hhhmmm, we don’t take every kind of car.

I’m paraphrasing the age, but Louis CK summed up what it feels like to be 53 (or 40) He said, “You’re not old enough for anybody to give a s— that you’re old. Nobody’s like, “I helped a 53-year-old guy and it felt really good to do something for him. Nobody spends their holidays delivering hot meals to 53-year olds. And you not young enough for anybody to be proud of you or impressed. They’re just like, “Yeah, do your job, a–hole. Nobody cares. That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

When I went to my brother-in-law’s first birthday after I met him, and asked if he was excited, he simply said, “It’s just another day,” and I looked at him skeptically. I used to get so excited about my birthday in my 30’s, that I would tell people about it for months before it happened. Now, I completely, totally understand what he was saying. It is now, to me, just another day.

Until I get old enough to go to a nursing home, the only attention I’m getting from anyone is if I create a new element on the periodic table, become an international best selling author, or invent time travel. Until I’m in a wheelchair spouting off dementia phrases and drooling my food on my shirts, I’m destined to be Mr. Invisible.

Anyways, you were probably wondering why I called this post “Portmanteau”. I’m usually pretty good at transitioning a little better, but I’m old, so back off. I didn’t have the patience this week to come up with a clever transition, okay? Chillax! Interesting that I used the word chillax isn’t it? Well, that is a Portmanteau. It’s a word that blends the sounds and meanings of two or more words, typically combining the beginning of one word with the ending of another.

I do it all the time. In fact, I use it every week with my blog. If you notice, I always call my Friday blogs, Bitter Friday Giftures. Giftures is my combination of Gifs and pictures. However, it doesn’t make sense, because I just use Gifs and never pictures. But when has anything I’ve ever done make any sense?

Here are some Portmanteau’s that people use all the time:

Advertorial – Advertisement + Editorial

Affluenza – Affluence + Influenza

Animatronics – Animation + Electronics

Anklet – Ankle + Braclet

Athleisure – Athletic + Leisure

Bromance – Brother + Romance

Froyo – Frozen + Yogurt

Hangry – Hungry + Angry

Mansplaing – Man + Explaining

I did a post a several years ago called Hyperbiology, which was the combination of Hyperbole and Biology. I’m surprised this Portmanteau hasn’t become part of the zeitgeist considering how much hyperbole there is on social media and in culture these days. But I will wait for it to catch on, then claim credit by showing that I was using it all the way back in 2021.

The nice thing about Portmanteau’s is that they are pretty easy to make up. I always make them up when there are two words that are hard to say together, because the end of one word makes the next word hard to say. I can’t think of anything of the top of my head, because the top my head is mostly bald.

Never Mind. Here’s one.

Let’s say there you are talking to Harry Potter and you guys decide to make some bread. You ask him if he has a recipe and he just so happens to have the Half-Blood Prince’s Potion’s book. The book has a bread recipe and he makes it so tasty that he decides to start a bread company. He goes over a dozen different names for the company and decides that one of the ingredients should be the name. So he decides to call it Harry Yeast. But Harry ends with a Y and Yeast begins with a Y, so it is easier to just combine words at the Y, so it’s only one word. You combine them as such. Harryeast. It’s a horrible example, because they don’t quite combine together too well, but this is something I do all the time.

If one word ends and the other begins in a natural way, it is a much better Portmanteau. Like the examples above like Hangry. Those are ones that become cannon in the language. Plus they have to start from high school kids, or they don’t count. The kids are responsible for starting trends. Us Gen X’ers don’t get a say.

If you’ve ever played Pokémon, you’ve probably realized that almost all of the names for Pokémon are some sort of Portmanteau. Starting with Charmander, (Char + Salamander), Squirtle (Squirt + Turtle), and Psyduck (Psychic + Duck). Nintendo and Game Freak shot a Holy Freaking Airball when they overlooked my application for Specialized Localization team responsible for naming Pokémon.

I guess they’ll never know what they could have. Instead they are stuck with being just the most successful media franchise of all time. While they are in their cubicle crying Pikatears, I’m here drowning in their tears as the most successful Bitter Blog of All Time. Holy Freaking Airball, Nintendo.

Presenting: The Bitter Friday Giftures…

You know you’re getting old when…

You know you’re getting old when…

Man, I hope I never get…

I’d say that I’m going through a mid-life crisis…

And I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t afford…

Even the Kars 4 Kids…

Now about Portmanteau’s…

Portmanteau’s are about…

Like the post I did in 2021 called Hyperbiology…

Or the really bad made up example of Harry Yeast…

I have dozens of better examples…

Sorry my Harry Potter one wasn’t the best…

I guess I’m just really old..

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Portmanteau Ben