Plot Armor BFG’s

As the author of such Best Selling blog posts as Bitter Reasons to be Tall, and 41 reasons to be Bitter, I have a lot of experience making stuff up. A lot of people imagine that writing fiction is easy, because you are just making things up. What they don’t know is that Non-Fiction authors just have to regurgitate things that already happened. Fiction authors like me know that I have a doubly hard job to do. Not only do I have to make up a completely new story, scenes, worlds and characters, but I have to build a set of rules for that world and then obey the set of rules that I made up.

If I don’t obey the rules that I made up, then my bitter rivals, Critic and Die Hard Fan, are allowed to talk smack about my story on X, Instagram, Tik Tok, and Nintendo Switch and lambaste the world I spent years creating. They can treat me like the scientist that not only nuclear bomb and but I was the one that launched it on the world. They are allowed to tell their friends that I’m a hack and a fraud because I broke one of the rules I make up. It’s kind of ludicrous to even think about.

For example, J.K. Rowling built an insanely popular and detailed book universe around seven years in the life of Harry Potter, a wizard who didn’t know he was a wizard. After 17 years of writing those books, she was praised by many people for creating this deep and intricate world. But Critic, and Die Hard Fan, pored over every word she wrote about the world, and found ways to show tiny inconsistencies that they found in the books. They’d nitpick every word, and talked about why a minor character should have been allowed to use their magic power in a sentence, or how the a tiny wing of the castle was never mentioned.

Not that I’ve never been a critic of other people’s work. I could do a whole podcast on the complaints I have of every single Hallmark movie I’ve ever seen. Talk about fiction. I more easily believe an entire wizarding world in the UK exists than say, any of the Hallmark ladies being able to afford to live in the apartments or houses they live in any of those movies.

The more I write, the more I wonder how in the world any book has ever been published. Somedays I can spend an hour making sure one sentence make any sense at all, while other times I can write 20 pages without thinking. I’m constantly analyzing my work to make sure anyone that reads it might find that it makes sense, and they can picture what I’m thinking my mind.

I’m always thinking about story arcs, sentence structure, character development and dialogue and ideas are popping into my head constantly about how cool something would be to add to the story. Since, I’m now 15 years into my current story, I think it’s time to start using some shortcuts. I’m not talking about A.I., which is tempting to do, but a plot device even some of the best writers use. If that wasn’t true, there wouldn’t be a name for it.

They call it the Plot Armor. If you don’t know what Plot Armor is, here’s the AI definition. A narrative device in fiction where a character is protected from harm, death or failure because their survival or success is necessary for the plot to continue. I know critics of stories hate it, but too bad. From this time forward, anytime I get stuck in a story, I’m going to go full meta and just interject myself into the story. “Hi. This is the author, Bitter Ben. At this point of the story, I have to keep this guy alive, because he is the main character and if he doesn’t stay alive, then the story is gonna get really awkward, because him dying would kind of defeat the purpose of the story, so just pretend he got overpowered superpowers at the moment, and then I’ll never bring them up for the rest of the story. Anyways, sorry for interrupting. Back to your regularly scheduled awesome story that I spent hours creating for you. Stop your whining for just a few seconds. Thanks.”

If people can use plot armor in the real world, we should be allowed to use it in the fictional world. Oh, you don’t believe we don’t use plot armor? Let me just give you a little example. In America, we are forced to pay taxes, just like every other country in the world. Do you think that 100% of your taxes go to the exact program they are earmarked for? If they aren’t going to that, where do you suppose they go? If you guessed to a fraudulent politician, you are right. Is every politician you’ve ever known going to jail for fraud? Or do they have plot armor that is preventing them from going to jail for stealing all your money?

Do I have plot armor? Yes, sir. Just this morning I was going over the speed limit on my way to work, I should have been pulled over and given a ticket to appear in court and pay a fine. I have Plot armor for things that I don’t even think about.

In fact, I’m in the middle of creating physical plot armor to protect me against the evil invaders of personal space, and against sword of small talk that extroverts weild against me.

This just gave me the idea of starting a clothing line called Plot Armor, that has T-shirts, hoodies and metal breast plates and swords. They would not only be fashionable and comfortable, but they would have the dual use of protecting you against the forementioned evils. Look for those soon on my Shopify site. They will include powers such as soundproofing and the fly ability to help you escape sticky social situations.

While you are busy leveling up your plot armor, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures to help in your Plot Armor journey…

As the best-selling author of blog posts…