Homecoming’s are always so emotional. In just less than a month, my favorite daughter is coming home from her year and a half mission to Austin, TX. I’ve missed her, because she inherited my razor sharp wit, my stunning introversion, and utter dislike for humans and interactions. She likes her mom much more than me though, which means she’s exactly like me, because I also like my wife more than me. I’m glad she’s coming home soon, because I need to start teaching her the ways of bitter blogging, so she can take over the family business. When I die a bitter old man at the age of 99 years and 364 days, (because of course, I couldn’t possibly get to 100), I expect her to be ready to take over the bitter blog and maintain it’s horrible standards. I’m getting emotional (as in bitter) thinking about her taking over the family business.

In 2017, we finally got the third iteration of Spiderman in the form of a Peter Parker that Tony Stark/Iron Man invited to the MCU (Magic Collection of Umpires). Captain America: Civil War, a movie set in America in 1861 – 1865, was a battle for America, where Iron and Captain America fought on the opposing sides of the Union and the Confederacy. Luckily Abraham Lincoln, Zombie Hunter resolved the conflict by getting between Tony Stark’s laser beam and Captain America’s shield and made them sign the Sokovia Accords, which ended the war. Unfortunately, Zombie Hunter Lincoln was shot in the back not long after by Thanos.

After the Civil War, Spiderman got his first solo title, called Homecoming. Because he went to Homecoming with Gwen Stacey, who’s dad was the villain of the story. Also because he was finally welcomed “Home” after the Sony Playstation 5 sold the Radioactive Spider Serum rights to Marvel. Marvel was able to fast forward the story, by looking at a New York phone book and finding the first Peter Parker in the phone book and injecting him with the serum.

Another superhero of sorts, my favorite son, is performing his duties this week on a field. Other than his supernatural ability to spend all of our money, he is also a superhero on the field of battle, called football. With his stunning 4 mph speed, he is faster than a speeding Magic Bullet blender, leaps pancaked offensive lineman in a single bound, and he’s more powerful than a Thomas the Train Locomotive Set, and puts the bad guys (the quarterback of Notre Dame) in a prison of his arms tacking them. This weekend, he is having a homecoming of sorts, by way of it’s Homecoming Weekend. He’s playing in the Homecoming game, and then on Saturday, he is attending the Homecoming dance. The girl is only interested in him because of his good looks, because he’s a superhero, and because of his supernatural ability to spend all of our money (probably his strongest ability). I’m getting emotional thinking that this is his last homecoming (because it will be the last time he spend all our money on a homecoming weekend!)

In other words, all I’ve been doing this week, and month is dealing with Homecomings. Unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with the kind of Homecoming’s that aren’t my favorite kind. My daughter’s Homecoming is a few more weeks, my son’s is tonight, and Spiderman’s is happening in 2017. But those are homecomings for other people. I’m more in the market for a homecoming that is me leaving work and going home, where my true love, the couch, greets me at the door when I come home everyday, like most people’s dogs, kids and wives greet them when they get home.

I’m getting emotional right now, thinking of how much my couch misses me right now. It’s probably sitting at the door waiting, or looking longingly out the window, wondering what I’m doing right now. It’s probably getting anxiety about when I will come home. I understand what it’s going through. I’m at work right now, wondering what my couch is doing at home. And hoping that I can make it through the day, so we can be reunited in a Homecoming for the ages.

We’ve been through a lot, my couch and I, and I hope we will be together forever. However, if one day the couch does get too old, I will have no problem replacing her with another more comfortable couch. I hope my couch does the same when I shuffle off my mortal coil. When it comes to couch/man relationships, there is no loyalty, but there are always emotional memories of homecoming everyday.

While I’m busy working on Homecoming’s everyday, this weekend, next month and in 2017, you are free to view these Bitter Friday Giftures while you await our Homecoming next week when I will write another blog post.

When my daughter comes home next month…

She’s awesome because…

I also need her to come home soon…

Spiderman finally got invited…

Spiderman first appeared in the Civil War…

It ended when Abraham Lincoln, Zombie Hunter…

My son, the superhero…

And his ability to leap…

Is having his homecoming this weekend…

But no homecoming is more important…

I often wonder if my couch is staring…

Because I do the same…

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Homecoming Ben