I was so busy hanging out in my head yesterday that I forgot that the NCAA Basketball tournament was going on. I used to care about it when I was younger, but now I can barely manage to fill out a bracket, let alone care about any of the games. Besides, there is a better chance of everyone on earth moving to Saturn next year than anyone getting a perfect bracket, so I don’t know why I even bother.

I hang out in my head a lot, not only because my head is a great place to hang out, but because it is a lot better than hanging out with real people. People make me bitter. Why do you think all my hobbies involve being away from other people? I wouldn’t call my ralk (run/walk) a hobby, but more of a way to die slower, but also to get away from people. My other hobbies include reading, listening to music, playing video games, watching movies, writing, and being away from other people.

Just like everyone else in the world, I’m also attached to my handheld personal computer and AI companion, otherwise known as my phone. I don’t even know why anyone calls them a phone, because I’ve never used it as such. In fact, my phone apps is the least used app on my entire handheld computer, and believe me, I have some pretty stupid apps on my phone.

I remember not long ago in movies or skits on Saturday Night Live, where it was a joke when a douche-y, salesperson would wear a Bluetooth in their ear and people would mistakenly think Bluetooth guy was talking to them, instead of the person they were talking to on the phone. It got a lot of laughs because I guess miscommunication is funny. Now that 90% of people have airpods or something similar, that kind of thing happens all the time and it’s just not funny anymore.

To make sure that no one mistakenly talks to me, I make sure to wear big, over the head, over the top headphones. To make doubly sure that no one talks to me, I stare intensely at my computer (mostly because I’m squinting), which has effectively turns my workday into a few hours of meeting interrupting my non-stop headphone wearing, listening to music, podcasts or Youtube videos (mostly without the video part). My approachability is at an all-time low, which has many people bitter about trying to make contact with me.

I know my goal of little to no human contact makes people bitter, which is good, because that is my goal.

Since, I’ve almost achieved my goal of hearing almost no human voices, I resort to listening to the voices in my head. In the early days of my youth and before, psychiatrists would have put me in an institution, for listening to the voices in my head. Now, because of my headphones, AI, Alexa, Google, Cortana, voices in my head are not only allowed but required.

Besides, the voices in my head are much smarter, funnier, more bitter or entertaining than the voices outside my head. The voices outside my head are asking me to do more work, or listen more intently. Tge voices in my head tell me that I have all the potential in the world. The voices outside my head tell me that there is no chance of a promotion. The voices in my head tell me that I’m an excellent driver. The voices outside my head tell me to stop daydreaming, because the light is green. Sometimes they use words that the voices in my head don’t use.

With the advent of AI, Alexa, Siri, Google, or whoever you use to do your bidding in your home, the voices in your head are much more commonplace. Pretty soon, psychiatrists are going to put us in mental institutions when we start hearing voices that they can also hear.

My prediction is that human voices are going to start going extinct, because Alexa, Siri or AI robots will do all the talking for us. Who wants to hear my short staccato-y monotone, stuttering voice anyways? People would much rather listen to a pitch perfect, rich, baritone, AI version of my voice pretending to care about whatever you are droning on about.

That will free up a whole lot of time for me to listen to the voices in my head that tell me that Venus is entering our atmosphere and Superman is living in my closet. You know, that really healthy voice that is telling that I’m as strong as the Rock and I can walk through walls.

The voices are now telling me that as the most popular blogger in the world, it is now time for me to present these Bitter Friday Giftures…

I was so busy hanging out in my head…

I filled out my bracket, but don’t worry…

I have a lot of hobbies…

In fact, one of my favorite hobbies…

Just like most people…

Though I’m not sure why they even call them phones…

Bluetooth in ears…

But now that 90% of people have Airpods…

When I was young…

We used to be misunderstood all the time…

Now we are misunderstood…

And voices in our heads(AI, Siri, Alexa)…

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Voices in my Head Ben