I don’t know if many people know this, but I’ve been writing a book for about 20 years now, and when it is published, it will change the industry. First, I will self-publish, and I’ll sell a couple copies to my parents, make my kids buy it (for all the misery they’ve caused me) and then I’ll sell it to a few random people that really like the cover.

After 10 or so years, some famous publisher will pick it up, because they had a really frustrating day at work. They will read it, tell their boss they must publish it now, and the boss will tell them they have no more budget for new authors. That publisher will decide to quit, because their boss doesn’t believe in them, go home for Christmas and find the love of their life at the annual Christmas Cupcake festival, and write their story as a Hallmark Christmas show and forget they ever read my book.

Then, a down-on-their-luck recently unemployed scientist who was fired because she couldn’t discover how to split atoms will be walking down the street in despair, and she’ll find the book that the Hallmark girl put in the trash and read it. She will be so inspired by the book, that she will discover fusion, change the world, and get accolades of Nobel proportions. She will then meet a guy at her hometown Christmas lighting festival, and get engaged after two weeks. She will meet the girl that fell in love at the Christmas Cupcake Festival and she will write the Hallmark movie about her love story.

Then they will discuss with each other the reason why they both ended up with similar stories of reading a book, going back to their hometowns, meeting the loves of their lives, writing a story about their love stories and then getting movies about them on Hallmark.

They will be casually talking about what started them on their paths to becoming that way, and they will mention that they read a book once by a bitter author that sparked them to change everything. They will wonder what happened to the book, because they never heard about the book becoming famous. They will then embark on a journey to find the lost book that changed them forever, and they will scour bookstores across the nation to find the hidden relic, only to discover they could have just found it on Amazon.

The one girl that used to be a publisher will want to start a new company just so she can get the book published but won’t have the resources to get it started by herself. Then she will remember that the other girl that she went on a nationwide with to search for the book was the lady that discovered fusion, so of course she had money to help. Then the scientist will reveal that she never got any extra money for discovering fusion. The company took all the credit and money.

She will remember that she did, however, get some money for selling her story to Hallmark. Then the publisher lady will also remember that she got some money for selling her story to Hallmark. They will put their money together, and create a publishing company, call it Christmas Movie Publishers, get the rights to my book to publish it, and make it go on to be a New York Times Best Seller for over 10 years. They will then make a Hallmark movie about that experience.

Unfortunately, I will have been dead for a few years before that happens, so my kids will get all the credit and money that I would have got. Just like most famous authors.

As all novelists like myself know, the key to any book is Chapter 11. If your book doesn’t have a killer Chapter 11, then it has no chance to succeed. My book has a pretty terrible beginning, a pathetic climax, and has little to no character development, but it has an amazing Chapter 11. That is all it needs to be a success.

As Michael Scott from The Office said, “I declare Chapter 11!” and Oscar says to him, “Michael. I want you to know that you can’t just say the word ‘Chapter 11’ and expect anything to happen.” to which Michael says, “I didn’t say it. I declared it.”

Again, we learn that the key to success either in writing books, or avoiding paying people that we owe money to, is Chapter 11. Just remember, that you can’t say it. You have to declare it.

I wish that I knew about this when I was younger. My dad was an executive at Citibank, so he drilled into my head that you should never have any debt except for your house and maybe a car. If you use a credit card, ALWAYS pay it back every month. Live frugally. Don’t buy nice clothes, fancy cars, or big houses.

Now I learn from the most responsible and reliable show on television, The Office, that all I have to do to get rid of all my debt is declare Chapter 11? It sounds like my dad was feeding me all kinds of misinformation my whole life. What else has he been telling me that was a complete sham? He told me that Santa wasn’t real. Guess that was wrong too. Hey dad, is the Easter Bunny fake too?

I spent my whole life thinking that I couldn’t buy anything. That changes now. Guess who is going on an Amazon buying spree after work today? Me. Guess who is going to buy a bunch of pizza tonight? Me again, although I do that every Friday anyways. But this time I’m not paying for it. I will just get to the drive through and declare Chapter 11 and they will have to give me the pizza.

According to Creed from the office, “You declare Chapter 11, all your problems go away.”

Since my Chapter 11 is so great, I can be just like the Government. They spend all this money for useless stuff and then never pay it back. Thanks to Chapter 11, I have a new spending strategy going forward. I feel bad for all the people that I owed money to. Sorry mortgage guy. Sorry, Brad that I borrowed a quarter from when I was 12. You’re never getting any money back.

They say life is a story. If that is the case, this is my Chapter 11. And as authors all say, Chapter 11 is the key to your story.

The rest of my story is just a bunch of Bitter Friday Giftures…

Some people might know…

And that my novel is the same age…

It’s not published yet…

But before it is published…

It will sell a few books on Amazon…

Some will use my book…

While others will use it…

But someday, a famous publisher will read it…

Then a few Hallmark movies later…

But then it will be too late…

As all authors know, the key to success…

But you can’t just say Chapter 11…

Once you declare Chapter 11…

And no one will ever make you…

Bitter Chapter 11 Ben