I was today years old when I realized that I’ve lived in not one, but two places that had forests on the property. When I was 6-8 years old, we lived in Long Island, NY, in a house that had a forest in the back yard. I’d like to say that I explored that forest like I was Frodo in Lord of the Rings, but I was more obsessed with baseball cards and riding my bike in our big cul-de-sac. And of course, digging a hole to China. I only got about 6 inches toward my goal there, but if the Chinese kid on the other side of the hole had worked a little harder, he could have closed the gap and we could have shared the credit for making the first NY to China tunnel.

20 years later, I got married, and my wife and I moved to Seattle. We lived in a house that had a small strip of forest between our house and our neighbor to the east. I’d like to say that I explored that forest with my son and daughter while we were there, but I did not. Neither the Ring of Power nor Big Foot called upon me to explore that small forest (Let me know if I’m talking about this right. I’ve never read or seen the Lord of the Rings or Harry and the Hendersons.) I guess I was the wrong person to be placed by forests, because I’m a lover of the Great Indoors, which provides me all the luxuries of the forest, while also allowing me to not freeze to death or being eaten by a bear or sasquatch. I love that about the indoors. If I was meant to be in forests, I would have been born as a Viking or a Scot. Instead, I was born as a kid that explored the concrete jungles of Southern California and New York and the dirt farms of South Dakota.

But mostly I’m meant to explore the indoors. I enjoy the fresh air of air conditioning, the beautiful vistas of 4K television, the bright starry lights of glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, and the feeling of shagged carpet below my feet.

Speaking of the feeling of your feet on the carpet, I’m going to tell you something obvious. When you walk on carpet with your bare feet, they create a footprint. Same if you walk with dirt on your feet, or if you walk around outside with your shoes on the dirt.

Hunting mythical creatures has always been an obsession for people. When I was in Scotland, there was Legend of the Loch Ness Monster. When we went there 2 years ago, that was my most disappointing part of the trip. When I lived in Seattle, some people were obsessed with finding Bigfoot. That wasn’t the most disappointing part of my time there, but it was rather disappointing. The way you find Bigfoot is obviously, by finding his footprint.

More and more, people are obsessed with footprints. Not so much the ones we leave in the carpet or the forest, but these new things called a carbon footprint. I was watching the Apple Presentation the other day, where they announced the new apple products (by new, I mean they announced that it had a new camera hole on the back of the phone) and they kept obsessing about Apple and the carbon footprint they were not leaving with the world. I’m not sure why carbon is such a big deal.

I did a quick Google search, and it says that carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas that traps heat in the atmosphere. That sounds good. Yesterday in my office, it was so cold. I could have used a little bit of those greenhouse gases in there.

I know some people are much better at creating carbon footprints than others. I hear Taylor Swift does a lot of trips on her private jet, which is a lot of carbon. I even saw a funny cartoon on Tik Tok where she had her private jet and a Starbucks on her property. She would hop in her plane, start it for the several feet away to get to her private Starbucks, stop the plane, go inside the Starbucks, get her coffee, then get back in the plane, and back it up back into her property. And of course, she threw the cup off the side of the mountainside cliff she was living in. But then soon after, she lectured everyone else about lessening their carbon footprints.

I thought it was funny, but don’t tell my daughter. She’s a big fan of TSwift.

Just so you know, I’m doing my best everyday to reduce my carbon footprints. It’s pretty simple how I do it. I simply reduce my footsteps. If I’m at work, I stay at my desk all day, only moving when it is absolutely necessary. Instead of going on walks to stretch or get fresh air, I simply stay at my desk and operate my computer, with its two screens, its really inefficient processor, and keep it running all day. Then I make sure that all my devices, including my smart phone, are running all the time.

Of course, I like to keep my car running all day, because do you have any idea how much carbon footprints I would add to the environment if I had to start it again? Instead, I like to let that thing run all day. The nice thing is that my car doesn’t emit any black smoke, so that do any damage to the environment. You’re welcome.

I’ve heard that you can buy carbon credits in order to reduce your carbon footprint. I’ve looked into that, but it doesn’t seem to be a very good deal. I called the Carbon Footprint Credit hotline, to sign up, but they didn’t offer any SkyMiles, Rewards points, or even a good interest rate. I might have tried to get a Carbon Credit card, but they didn’t even offer a royal discount for Burger King, Dairy Queen or Prince Pizzeria. They could have offered at least an Ace Tavern or a Spade’s Restaurant and Lounge Discount.

When I called, they said that carbon footprint credits are only for big corporations or celebrities as a method to remove their guilt.

I told them that I would sell my footprints to them for whatever money they would’ve paid the government, but they said it didn’t work that way. It was just a way for the government to get more money. I told them that’s what I would be doing too. And if they gave me more money, the government would get more money from me.

They didn’t like that I was talking about something that made sense. The government isn’t really into common sense solutions, I guess.

They know where I am though. I’ll be sitting on my couch, watching my TV, playing games on my phone, and not using up my share of carbon footprints.

While I’m waiting for my carbon credit card to arrive, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures for you to view…

A depiction of my house in New York…

And what it actually looks like now…

A depiction of our house in Seattle…

And an actual picture of the property…

I was not like Frodo…

I preferred the Great…

Hunting Mythical Creatures has always been an obsession for people…

And Big Foot…

But other people are obsessed with Carbon Footprints…

And would just like to buy some carbon…

But I would be glad to sell her my carbon footprints…

Because I prefer sitting on the couch…

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Making Footprints Ben