When I lived in Seattle the weather was much milder, and there were a lot more trees, the birds loved hanging around there. When I lived there, I was raising young kids, so there was a competition between the birds and the tiny humans about who could be louder and prevent me from sleeping the most.

Their favorite thing to do was tag team me. The tiny humans would keep me up from 12 – 4 am and then the birds would take the next shift of 4-6 am and start chirping as soon as a REM cycle was ready to kick in. Birds are pretty horrible at most things, but when it comes to timing their loud chirping, their timing is impeccable. I’m not sure why they need to talk so loud, but then I realized that they are like humans at a party. There is a competition to see which bird can be the loudest or fastest chirper, so they can get the most attention. The loudest male chirpers are the ones that get to make eggs and build nests with the female birds. It’s just…can you do your mating in the forest so I can get a little sleep?

If the constant chirping weren’t bad enough, they think that our cars are their toilets. It’s strange that people are so forgiving of birds of pooping on their cars, but somehow if a human ever did that to a car, they would lose their minds. Andy from the Office did that to David Wallace’s car, just so he would be permanently fired so he could pursue his dream of becoming famous. And somehow, he was banished from society for doing what birds do all the time.

Some people think birds are amazing because they have the gift of flight. Still, we’re humans and we are superior in every way to birds. Orville and Wilbur Redenbocker studied birds for about 5 seconds and figured out how to make a plane. Another human invented the space shuttle, and then another human invented drones. Birds have been around just as long as us, and they still haven’t invented anything. No TV, no VCR’s, no cars, no lightbulbs, and they are still living in nests. They haven’t even tried to build a two-story nest yet. Not one new innovations in their entire history.

This all leads to me my theory that birds aren’t real. Sure, they look real to people. But have we ever really studied birds? They are too fast to observe for very long. I think they’re just miniature drones created by the government, aliens, or another powerful some other entity to study us or spy on us. Why else would they “fly south for the winter”? Because the bird “drone operators” know that in the north, nothing ever happens in the winter. People stay indoors, and no crime or anything interesting is happening. They go south to surveil people in the warmer climates that are committing crimes and doing interesting things.

They are also using the birds to test us. In cities, where there are less cows and roosters waking us up, they use birds to wake us up in the morning. How else would we wake up on a Saturday morning, if it wasn’t for the constant chirps of annoying bird drones? What else would wake us up? Alarms? The Sun? I think not.

And if that weren’t enough, the government uses them to take ease the power grids. Whenever we use too much, birds land on the power lines to cause the occasional “power outage”. Ever notice how they like to blame “downed trees”, or “heavy storms”, or “vehicles colliding with utility poles” or someone in the neighborhood “digging unauthorized holes” in their yard? Likely excuses, but we know that it’s the bird drones that are causing them. They like to cause outages whenever there is an important show on TV, or some really damaging news to them. All of a sudden, there are a larger number of birds in the area.

Of course, you can claim to be an ornithologist, or a bird watcher and claim to be certain that you know birds are real and they are for our good. How many ornithologists do you know? How many bird watchers do you know? And don’t they seem a little over cheerful and shady? It’s because they are.

I’m posting this at great personal risk. In fact, I already see more birds gathering outside of the office. I’m going to publish this before they fly me away. If I don’t post something next week, or if next week’s post seems suspiciously more “birdy”, you will know. Either way, after you read this post, crumple it up and burn it so they don’t get start following you.

I’m at least hoping that by placing some Bitter Friday Giftures here, it might confuse or hypnotize the cameras in their little beaks…

You think we litter on this planet…

Trees were also responsible for most…

The birds…

And my kids…

Often competed to see who…

They…

I kept wondering why…

But then I realized it’s because…

They are just created…

And are just sent here…

To take out…

And attack us…

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter “This post went to the Birds” Ben