Senior Recruiting Bitterness

The other day, someone mentioned to me that I don’t look a day over 50. I found that rude, because I’m three days over 50 now. If I was a more violent person, I would’ve taken him to the closest wrestling ring and wrang his neck, but my son is stronger than me now. I make a lot of bad decisions, so getting wrecked by him, would have been just another day for me.

On the plus side, I now have a license to fake injuries now. I received my over 50 “fake injury” license in the mail. It’s a bad picture, but when you’re over 50, every picture is bad, and now it’s expected instead of frowned upon. The license grants me full access to senior citizenship.

So excited to get my fake injury license.

Speaking of senior citizenship, my parents are now 80+, so they have access to use an even older card. They are moving to a senior care facility this week, and they “need help”. As a 50+ citizen, I am claiming exempt from helping, but my much younger 40-year-old siblings are using weak excuses to get out of it. One is claiming they live in a shoe (Idaho) with 5 kids and can’t exactly pick up and leave. The youngest 40-year-old has to “work” that day, so somehow he gets out of it. That leaves the guy with the bad back, bad knees, bad shoulder (me, if you didn’t guess) to do most of the moving.

Just because I’m going to help because they have seniority on my, doesn’t mean I’m not going to make them regret it. I’m going to use some fake injuries to justify how little I will be doing. I might try to find a way to use the “I forgot” excuse, because my “memory is going.”

Looking forward to “losing my memory” to get out of work.

My mind is pretty sharp when it comes to old memories though. Back in the day when I was a mediocre basketball player, I dreamed of being so good that people would actually come to the sophomore B team games. I imagined girls swooning and cheering for my epic 5 point, 4 rebound, 1 assist nights. A triple single if you will. Nights when I was so on fire, I would only miss a few easy layups, get blocked twice and on defense only allow my opponent to be the second-best scorer. That didn’t mean the girls would stop wanting to be my girlfriend.

On those nights, I would daydream about scouts being in the stands, scribbling down notes on my Michal-Scott like free throw ability. Or how I shuffled my feet just right so I could funnel in my defensive assignment to a better defender. And how THEY would get blamed for the offense scoring because he had to defend two players. I daydreamed of that kind of savvy landing me a scholarship at the end of the bench of a local community college.

Unfortunately, scouts were looking for players that actually played basketball as a senior. They also hoped for players that had stats in the double digits. I tried to get double digits in fouls, but every time I made it to 5, the coaches and refs stifled my growth by sitting me on the bench for the rest of the game. It’s like they literally benching me to keep me from making the NBA.

Never achieved my dream of sitting at the end of an NBA bench.

Because the high school team suppressed my full potential, I decided to switch to a more valuable league called the YMCA. I set a bunch of records in that league. Least number of scouts (zero), most fouls in a game (6. We were only allowed 5, but the refs lost count.) and most shots without making one. I went 0 for 16 in a game. How’s that for double digits? NBA scouts still regret missing that game.

I never actually thought I would be heavily recruited, but somehow it started happening on Sunday. I don’t know what I did to deserve it all, but it started with a letter.

It was from AARP. They heard from a little birdy that I was turning 50, and they sent me a recruitment letter wanting me to join their team.

Being heavily recruited by the AARP.

Then, a bunch of doctors started faxing me. They heard my shoulder was a little sore and were curious who would be operating. They started pitching me on their operating skills, and how I could sit at the end of their operating table.

Aspercreme became very interested in me. They saw a lot of potential arthritis in my shoulders, elbows and knees. They thought I had just the right to be an Aspercreme influencer. They were looking for a particularly bitter 50+ guy that couldn’t act for one of their “before” pictures. They saw my profile picture on the bitter blog and thought I would be perfect for the part.

A bunch of non-active 55+ communities started reaching out as well. They were looking for lazy seniors that are potentially looking to move in the next 5 years. They were looking for seniors that didn’t want to use the pool, workout in the facilities, or attend the HOA meetings. They wanted couch sitters that were willing to make permanent dents in their couches. They thought I might be a good fit.

I even got a couple of offers from people in the movie industry. Big players like AMC, the Larry H. Miller Megaplex, and the Cinemark theaters. They informed me that in 5-10 years they would offer me discounts to come watch movies. It’s pretty clear they’ve been watching me for my whole career, and they think highly lifetime movie watching stats and experience.

Must be able to exhibit lots of emotions.

As a movie MVP, I would like to offer advice to the younger generation of movie watchers. I know you like to stream everything illegally and watch movies and shows on your 5-inch phone screens. Trust me, there is nothing like wasting $10 for a movie, $20 for a small popcorn and 3 hours on a horrible movie in 7.1 surround sound in 3-D. Get used to wasting a lot of time, money and brain space, and you could be a mid pro movie watcher.

But to be a real MVP like me, you need to learn how to not sigh through a horrible movie, and be able to endure a 3-hour movie without a bathroom break. Learning how to shush kids and tell teenagers to turn off their phones is a skill only true MVP’s can master.

With that discount, you might even get priority seats near the front, where you can actually see a 400-foot-tall screen, even with your failing vision. But get started now kids.

I haven’t been this heavily recruited since the infamous dodgeball game at recess in third grade. I was tall and new, so they didn’t know how bad I was at dodgeball, but for that brief moment in third grade, I was the most heavily recruited dodge ball player of the 15-minute recess.

Now I’m beginning to think they wanted me as a target…

Now, I’m being wooed by some of the biggest corporations and communities to join them. All the haters that told me being a 50-year-old dude was like being sentenced to Azkaban while wearing an invisibility cloak were wrong. I’m not invisible.

I’m more popular now than Lebron James when he was a 15-year old high school basketball player.

Everyone wants me to join their team.

But just like Lebron James, I’ll blow every opportunity I was given and end up just as obscure as he is.

Hey, not everyone is good at taking advantage of things.


Bitter Senior Recruit Ben


51 thoughts on “Senior Recruiting Bitterness

  1. My Lord, you have me and the other servants to work you for you and ensure that you will be protected and served as as if you were an elderly disabled man! Oh Lord Revengerman we shall form an army of evil squirrels and other animals! I got the idea from watching Man of Steel last night and said,

    “We need to make an evil paramilitary army led by a General like Michael Shannon,”

    So I will find you a Michael Shannon among the Squirrels!!!!!


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