Ben’s Bitter Algorithm BFG’s

If I was Marty McFly and had access to the Delorean and could move forward to the year 2022, I certainly would not. As we learned in March 2020, nothing good has ever come past that date. In 2019, we had just passed the Golden Age of movies, and life itself. Avengers End Game was breaking records, Lion King, Toy Story 4, Frozen 2, Captain Marvel, Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker, Joker, John Wick and dozens of other hits were setting box-office records. For goodness sakes, Bumblebee was the 51st most successful movie and it made $100 million that year.

Nowadays, a $100 million movie would be like 2nd or 3rd highest of the year.

However, if Biff held a gun to my head in 1989 and said that I had to go to December 2022, and visit to Old Bitter Ben to get the intel on what I could take back to 1989 to give high school aged Bitter Ben, here’s what I would tell him. First, don’t get a Sports Almanac, because you are only 16 years old in 1989, and your parents will know if you go to Vegas. You live in South Dakota and Vegas is to expensive to drive to for someone that makes $2.30 an hour working at Little Caeser’s. And the internet hasn’t been invented yet, so online gambling is off the table.

I might tell him about some really hot stocks in 2022, but I don’t really follow the stock trends, so I would probably tell him to invest in sure thing stocks like Enron, Circuit City, Bernie Madoff Investment Securities, and of course, Toy R’ Us, companies that are thriving in 2022. But again, I was only 16, so that wouldn’t help. I assume Young BB wouldn’t listen to me anyways and invest in stupid stuff like Apple and Tesla. Young BB and current BB don’t have a lot in common, but I do know for a fact that we neither one of us listen to authority figures. (Now I get why my kids don’t like listening to me.)

So here’s what would I tell Young BB in order to get ahead in life in 2022. I would have to fool him into doing it, because again, he doesn’t listen to authority figures. So I would tell him, “Whatever you do, DO NOT pay attention to algorithms. They are boring and stupid and would not help you at all in 2022. Instead, I think you should work on sports and basketball.”

He would drop sports right there and start paying attention to math and algorithms (because I know him pretty well). When he did, he would learn about them early and with passion, even though he hated it the first time he went through high school. By my current age, I would be running Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Tik Tok. Which would be bad, because all of those companies are having trouble.

But you know me, I would have jumped ship and started my own algorithm company that made even more money, because current BB always knows how to stay out of trouble, right? I see you shaking your heads no right now. I’m ignoring you though, because you are an authority figure. The point is, the algorithm controls the world right now, because it controls what people can and can’t see, and what they should believe or not believe. Don’t believe me, well that because the algorithm told you.

The future isn’t social media now anyways, it’s AI. And do you know what controls AI? The Algorithm. We know what’s going to happen with AI thanks to The Matrix. The machines will eventually take over and we will be living in an underground city or on spaceships fighting against the machines. But little old me, that gave Young BB the one thing he would need to save him in the future, was gifted his secret weapon against the machine. Nope, it isn’t NEO. It’s the power of the algorithm. And I gave it to Young BB to save me and the world against the machines, by using my algorithm powers.

I’m sure Marty McFly wishes he chose the algorithm instead of the Sports Almanac. What was he going to do? Throw the Almanac at the machines? Now that I gave you the secrets of the universe, I suppose I should probably give you a few Bitter Friday Giftures…

If I was given access to the Delorean Time Machine…

…the first thing I would do is put it into a Lamborghini, because Delorean’s suck.

The second thing I would do…

…is not choose 2015 or 2022, but 2019.

But if Biff bullied me and said I had to go to 2022…

…I suppose I would try something to make me rich in the future.

But what could I do…

…buy a sports almanac? Nah, not old enough to bet in high school.

How about telling Young BB to invest in…

…the world’s biggest toy store?

Or perhaps tech giant…

…and state of the Art service giant, Circuit City?

Or huge energy company…

…Enron.

All solid moves…

…that could in no way end in disaster.

But I’m thinking of something way more exciting for Young BB…

…Math!

Don’t worry though…

…Young BB would never fall for something like that.

Eventually, he will learn about Algorithms…

…and start hugely successful companies like MySpace…

And start Facebook, Twitter, and Tik Tok…

…but that is just for fun.

Because the real goal is…

…is to protect myself from the machines, not with guns, but to control them with the Algorithm.

You see, here at the Bitter Blog, we don’t think small picture by getting rich from a tiny little Sports Almanac. We think big picture of control, because we know that the machines are exactly like humans and as soon as they got control they would get bitter. So with my weapon of the Algorithm, I not only control humans now, but the machines later when they take over. Which makes me…go ahead and say it, controller of machines and mankind. All I have to do now is invent the time machine. But I’m sure past self will be here soon to give me the plans for that…or is it future self…Now I know why Time Travel movies are so confusing.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Algorithmic Ben

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4 thoughts on “Ben’s Bitter Algorithm BFG’s

  1. My advice to younger me would be bang-based.

    Don’t bang her, definitely bang her, shoot yourself in the head before letting your genitals within 500 miles of her, etc.

    I’d still fall prey to the Algorithm, but I’d be MUCH, much happier when it happened.

    (Toys R Us: that shit *had* to happen when I had kids, didn’t it?)

    Like

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