It’s kind of hilarious that some people claim that I’m not a writer. It’s true that my pièce de résistance, my epic masterpiece of writing, has never been published, or that I’ve even written the second draft yet. I’ve never even had a piece of writing published except for one short story in a magazine that I probably helped go out of existence (no, I’m not talking about Life magazine). Just because I haven’t been published doesn’t mean I’m not a writer. Let me prove it to you.
For all you writing snobs that are on word #14,604 for NaNoWrimo, consider this. I recently wrote and created an outline for an argumentative hero essay. You fancy NaNo writers may have also received a 100% on an outline too, but you can’t do better than 100%. And I bet you probably made some mistakes while writing your novels. Just because my outline was for my 9th grade son’s English class, doesn’t make it any less impressive. Also, consider that I took that outline and made it into a really good argumentative essay and my son’s grade increased a whole grade level. On the other hand, your published novels may have given you a little street cred, but my outline and subsequent essay increased his grade one whole letter. Your novel didn’t do that. So, who is the real writer here anyways? Let’s just all agree that I do excellent outlines and I’m changing the world.
It’s important for all of you to know these facts, because according to Evagrius Ponticrus, a fourth century monk, I should be dead right now, which would make my outline much more valuable right now. (Dead writer’s works tend to sell really well.) If you aren’t familiar with Evagrius Ponticrus, I wasn’t either until about five minutes ago. He was a 4th century monk, and he was somehow able to outline things in the 4th century, which I think is pretty impressive, because I didn’t even know people could write back then. Good thing he saved it on his laptop.
What Mr. Ponticrus did outline was the seven deadly sins. If you aren’t familiar with them, go watch the movie Seven (I’ve actually never seen the whole thing), and it will help you become familiar. The seven deadly sins are as follows: Pride, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Lust, Envy, and Gluttony.
If you were like me, you saw this list and thought, yeah, there are two or three on that list that I’m guilty of and I should probably get better at. And you would go about your life trying to fix them and be a better person. Which I did. I was also very relieved that Bitterness wasn’t on the list. (Don’t go saying that it is similiar to one on the list, or I will accuse you of Envy or Greed or something.)
But then I started reading the list and it didn’t really take long to realize that I’ve committed acts on every single one of those. So, like I said, Mr. Poticrus thinks I should be dead right now. In fact, I’ve probably committed two of these sins just in the last few paragraphs.
PRIDE – Remember way back up in the second paragraph when I said, “Let’s all agree that I do excellent work and I’m changing the world”? That sounded a little bit like pride. You know the expression. Pride comes before September 21st (First day of fall is September 22nd). While I escaped certain death this year, it looks like I won’t survive until September 22nd next year. At the very least, don’t expect a bitter post that day.
NV – Again, just earlier in the post, I exhibited a little bit of envy of these imaginary people who actually completed the write (or is it right?) number of words to keep up with NaNo. Most people get green with envy, but mine of more of a purple grey. It’s not like I want those people lives, I just want their words. Is that so much to ask? Oh, and the royalties they get. And their accolades that they get from their parents. Oh, their parents don’t give them accolades? Never mind then. I don’t Nevada (NV) them.
GREED$ – I’ve never been greedy. Because I’m definitely not watching the news every day for the record amount of money that the lottery winner will get which definitely isn’t $1.9 billion and wasn’t delayed for any reason. I’ve never talked about what that money could do for me, like building my castle with fortifications and my private bunker that had all the snacks and video games I could ever want, and full-time security and a mote with alligators. I have no plans for anything like that. I’m not greedy at all.
WRRRRAAATTTHHH – ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? I HAVE NO WRATH! ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF WRATH? THEY CALL ME REVENGERMAN, YEAH, BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WRATH? I ONLY SEEK FOR REVENGE AGAINST ALL FOR EVERY LITTLE SLIGHT. REVENGE IS A WAY DIFFERENT WORD THAN WRATH.
LUST – YOU KNOW I GO TO THE GYM (sorry, my caps lock got stuck) because I want to get in shape. It has nothing to do with all the other people’s shapes I’m looking at. That I want to be in, of course.
Gluten – Actually, if I’m really being honest, the real reason I go to the gym is because of my gluttony and because I want to continue to be a glutton. Whoever named gluten was probably a glutton and was just not creative enough to come up with a word that was any different. Besides, anyone who has lived through the holiday quadrant of the year that we are currently in (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.) and hasn’t been a glutton is either lying about their diet, or is lactose, gluten and everything intolerant and that is just cheating.
Lazy (Sloth) – I guess it’s named after the animal that is really lazy, but they could probably name it after me because sloths don’t have anything on me. One time, I woke up at 4 o’clock. PM. I’ve spent entire weekends on the couch. I was so lazy that I didn’t even go to sleep. Just layed there not moving. One time instead of going to pick up a pizza, I had one delivered. Homer Simpson once called me lazy. Sometimes I don’t even finish m
Seeing as I am still able to write this from my living body, I’m thinking the Seven Deadly Sins Justice System has fallen down on the job. Either that or they have added more sins, and subsins. Or there are so many people breaking the laws, that they just treat it like speeding, and they only pull over people that are sinning way faster than other people. They’ve probably told their Seven Deadly police officers to just issue warnings and tell them to slow down their deadly sinning. They are probably just sentencing people to Seven Deadly Sin probation and sending them to Seven Deadly Sin rehab to get Seven Deadly sober.
Which is to say to just make sure you are Deadly Sinning a little slower than your neighbor and you should be just fine. Because it ain’t cheating if you don’t get caught.
Bitter 7 Deadly Sins Ben