As a sign of appreciation for feeding her for 18 years, and allowing her to stay rent-free in our house, my daughter abandoned us to go to college. Pretty great gesture if you ask me. Then she decided that she didn’t want to go to college right across the freeway from us so she could get some distance from us.

Why would she not want to live with us for the rest of her life? Seems to me like the best thing she could do to repay her really generous parents that did everything for her is to stay in our basement and take care us for the rest of our lives. We make sure to call her all the time and tell her tall tales about all the interesting things we are doing so she will get FOMO and want to move back home immediately.

So far, she isn’t biting because she is telling us tall tales about dating fun and interesting boys. And she’s talking about all the interesting classes she is taking (we know she’s lying about that because there’s no such thing) and fun activities she is participating in, and how having freedom from all the restricting two rules we had. She can’t believe how great it is that she doesn’t have all these restrictions of getting money whenever she needed it.

Sounds like I need to start being more aggressive in sabotaging her college experience. As you know, my legal name is Bitter Ben, but I have some nicknames as well. My favorite one is one that I invented myself and I’m the only one that calls me it, but it is Revengerman. It’s mostly because I’m kind of a bad cook and don’t really cook food all the way, so when I serve it the temperature is slightly lower than warm. In other words, Revengerman is a dish best served cold.

My academic credentials are perfect for this situation. I have a masters in manipulation and a doctorate in the subtle arts of subterfuge. I have multiple ways of persuading her to come home. Unfortunately, my superpowers have one weakness. My wife has the power of guilt tripping, which stops my bitterpowers cold. She has guilt tripped all around the world, and it is equal to or greater than my power of sabatoge.

It’s not like I need her to come home because it is best for her, or because we do each other’s hair (I don’t have any) and gossip. It’s mostly a financial issue. I used to call her my cute little tax deduction, but now she’s 18 and in college, and instead of making me money, she is costing me money. Big Bitter Daddy needs some money to pursue his selfish pursuits. How am I supposed to break into her piggy bank and waste her money on my underground fortress and hidden doors, when she is up there at college trying to make herself a better person and an asset to society?

I heard there was some money in the banana stand. If only she had a banana stand…

Since I need to make more money than my current job pays, I need a side gig. I’ve looked to the newspaper for some, but newspapers keep referring me to new technology call the internet.

I’ve heard of this website called Go Fund Me, where people give you money. But for some reason the only people getting money on there are people that get hurt or people’s whose apartment’s burn down. Maybe I’ll talk to my wife and see if we can burn our house down later so we can get money on Go Fund Me.

In the meantime, I keep seeing signs for get rich quick schemes where you can sell calling cards. I bet that would be a quick way to make money. I mean, who doesn’t need a card where you can call other people long distance for only $.11 a minute? If someone ever invents a cheaper way to call people long distance than that, they will probably get really rich.

I think the only other way I know of to get people to give me money is a paywall. It’s this magical thing where you pretend to offer people exclusive content and then they have to give you money in order to view it. Newspapers do it all the time. They start and article, get you really invested in the words, and then just when you are ready to finish the article, then throw up a paywall screen.

Something like this.

Since I write lots of words, and you guys have been benefitting from them for years, it’s time to make you pay. Why pay for the milk when you’ve had the cow for free, right?

I bet you would like to know, wouldn’t you?

I’ll start you on the fun and exciting words, and then…put up a paywall for the Bitter Giftures…HAHA got you.

Insert your debit or credit card here to continue to see the Giftures….

Congratulations, you have given me all your money…

Here are your bonus Bitter Friday Giftures…

Let’s start with this…

The best part about being behind the paywall…

You can also show them…

And no matter how badly you want it…

They can try as hard as they want to break through…

It’s so strong…

Not even Mr. Incredible…

Here’s what we do…

Not only that…

So they better make sure….

Or they will be stuck outside the paywall…

While we’ll be inside the paywall…

Make sure you get in early though, because the paywall club is exclusive and once it sells out, there will only be unlimited spots left. Since Halloween is coming on Monday, you’ll want to get your least favorite person a gift to put under the Halloween tree. Who wouldn’t they want a key that is a password for an invisible internet wall that is worth nothing but costs a mint under the Halloween tree on Halloween Eve? That’s right. Nobody. Or is it Everyone? That was very awkwardly phrased. Anyways, get poorer so I can get richer.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Driving you up the Paywall Ben