I’m always giving instant feedback to pizza.
Instant feedback is kind of a thing now a days. Each of us are now little businesses and personal brands and everything we do and say get instant analytics. We post a picture of our family and we get likes. We listen to a song on Spotify at work and all our friends that follow us know what song we are listening to. We buy something on Amazon and Facebook, Instagram and Google have little pixel elves that follow around the web and we give us ads for things we just looked at.
Back in my more innocent and still bitter younger days, I had to wait for feedback. I took a picture on a camera and I would have to wait 6 months until I completely finished the roll of film, and then a couple more weeks until I remembered to get the film processed. A few more days under the intense red lights and I would get my terrible, blurry, completely out-of-date picture that I would throw in a shoe box to collect dust for the rest of its sad, pathetic life. We were used to delayed feedback.
Then there was the clothing choices. I would get clothes on Christmas day. I would be like, yeah, great new clothes. There were probably purchased at 1/2 price store, were probably not so flattering to my boyish figure and about 1 year out of the fashion of Sioux Falls, SD, which was four years behind NY and California. So cutting miles from the edge. I would have to wait like two weeks until school started back up before I would even know what kids thought. And of course, they were too busy praising other people to get around to me until mid April.
Back in the day, I would tell terribly unfunny jokes and I would have wait out, terribly uncomfortable moments of people completely ignoring them and cause my face to flush the same red as Valentine’s Day.
I know I’m not so funny. That is pretty evident by the comments given on this blog. But that is something that will change. Not so much the level of funny, but the feedback I will get. I will be hiring of crew of hangers on, brown nosers and constant laughers that constantly follow me around. They will think everything I say is funny, every roast I make is the best ever and every stupid decision the best I’ve ever made.
These guys will be following me everywhere.
The instant feedback starts right now. Every blog I post, every offhanded remark I make, every unfunny things I mention will get an, “OOOOHHHH, sick burn, Ben!”
No more will a bad pun fill an empty silence. No more will there be an uncomfortable silence when I talk to people. No more small talk with people on the elevator, break room, or salespeople at a store. No more Instagram photos going unliked, Facebook posts ignored, or bad decisions questioned.
Every terrible blog post I make will be published in the New York Times, every sentence I utter will go on the news and every time I make a good kill on Gears of War, it will make the nightime news. Get used to seeing this bitter face more than D. Trump’s everywhere in 2018, cause everything I do is going viral, people.
Bitter is going to be the theme of 2018.
I bet you all just can’t wait.
ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Boom Roasted Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Like I tell my 13 year old students – it is good to have clear goals. You go, Ben! Knock ’em dead!
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I have barely any goals except to be as lazy as possible.
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I am definitely for sale — $10 per hour as a “hanger-on” and $25 per hour as a “brownnoser.”
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Those prices are a little high. I was thinking permanent unpaid internships.
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Can I apply on-line or would I actually have to meet you? My parole officer said it would probably be best for both of us if we never met. Also I would prefer only playing your lackey during daytime hours. Are weekends necessary? And do you offer a generous hiring bonus, paid time off, and a family health care plan? I have a great many skills. I can even help you set up your sofa as a real estate office S-Corp to help you save on taxes and launder all the money you make from this blog. Call me.
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These are some intriguing ideas. Talk to my manager for answers to those questions. Of course he gets 15% of my nothing, so he is making bank and very motivated to get people on board.
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I best be careful around here, lest I become…
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Nahh, you should definitely become a part of this bitterness. We have a lot of work that needs to be done, and I’m not doing it all.
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“OOOOHHHH, sick burn, Ben!”
I am a good brown-noser AND a good snort-laugher! Can I join your crew?!
Yes, I laugh at your bitter bitterness! 😀 “At” not “With”. 😛
HUGS!!! 🙂
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There you go. Now I need you to be a little bit louder. Then I think you have a spot on the team.
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In honor of this blog, I’m going to let you know what I think….tomorrow!
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I appreciate people showing the initiative to wait until tomorrow. Procrastination is a sport that I excel at.
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It’s going to cost you a fortune, but I laud your ambitious approach to lifting your self-esteem. In fact I’ll laud it even more if you send me a check.
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It’s not about the self esteem, it is more about putting others down. It will be for the good of mankind and YouTube.
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Huh? Did you say something? Or was it gas?
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Nope. I definitely didn’t say anything. It was gas.
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I thought so.
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It almost always is.
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Now you’re cooking!
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Of filling my gas tank.
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They’re gonna need some aloe for that burn, Ben!
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There you go, that is what I’m looking for. Why don’t you apply for a position on my boom roast team?
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Are these paid positions and where do we send our resume? I used to perform this type of work for my ex boss… her death around the time of my failed wage claim was purely coincidental.
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These are “internship opportunities” ie not paid. But there are benefits. You get exposure on YouTube by being bossed around by me while we go around filming and make bank on YouTube.
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No one says it like you Ben!
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Yeah, most people wish I wouldn’t say things at all.
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Hah 100% true, Ben, but the fact that you do in spite of them is . . . is . . . noble?
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There is nothing noble about me. My parents are not of royal heritage. I am royally bitter though.
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