I’m not a big fan of mystery movies, because the ending is usually pretty stupid. The killer was usually someone you suspected from the very beginning, but they just made other people look slightly guilty somehow. Or the ending is super lame because if you just knew one thing, you would have figured it out from the very beginning. Or the mystery was made of completely unrealistic things.
Last night my wife purchased some Mystery Oreo’s. Wow, I thought. Finally a mystery I could dig my mouth parts into. So I wasn’t sure what the mystery would be, whether it would be the color, or the flavor, or if every one would be a different color. And I wouldn’t for a little while. We had to go away for a little while. The mystery would have to be a mystery for a little while longer. And let’s be honest. That is what some people like about mysteries. The thought that they have to wait to find out what the unknown is.
I was patient, but only because I had the distraction of my favorite thing to eat. Pizza. I can hold off just about anything when it comes to pizza. So we dined and drank and feasted on the pizza and went somewhere else for a while.
When we got back, my son finally saw the mystery Oreo’s. He is less patient than anyone I know and proclaimed, “We got Oreo’s? Can I open them? Wait, what are mystery Oreo’s?”
My wife gave in and let him open them. I was a little curious, but would wait until he tasted them.
One bite and he got this face. Scrunched up eyebrows, wrinkled nose, squeezed mouth.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It tastes…like orange.”
“Orange? That isn’t one of their flavors!”
My wife said, “Orange and chocolate don’t go well together!”
I’m sure the next one will be better.
My wife tastes a second one.
“Orange! Gross! We need to return these! That isn’t right!”
Oreo’s just pulled off the best marketing job ever. Not really. Others have done this before, but this is my guess what happened here.
Some Oreo employee: The boss says we need a new Oreo flavor. Hey, we’ve tried all the other flavors. How about we try orange.
Some other Oreo employee: Yeah, good idea. I can’t think of any other flavor either. Oh, how about orange double stuff.
First Oreo employee: Great idea, let’s do it.
Oreo flavor girl: Here is the orange flavor. It’s terrible. What do you think?
Oreo taster with a cold: It’s fine. Send it on the line! Double up the creme!
The next day….
Oreo taster finally over his cold: Oh gross, what is this?
Oreo flavor girl: That is the orange creme you said was good yesterday!
Oreo taster over his cold: I had a cold yesterday. Why didn’t you tell me!
Oreo flavor girl: I did, you idiot!
Oreo taster over his cold: Oh crap, I’m gonna get fired. We have 80 tons of this stuff!
Oreo flavor girl: Talk to marketing. They can figure something out.
Oreo Marketing Team after days of deliberation: Oh hey, what about uh, Airheads, they do that mystery flavor. Maybe we should do that for this orange crap.
Oreo Marketing Manager: Genius. Everyone loves a mystery. Tell manufacturing right away.
And thus, these crappy Mystery Oreo’s were born.
So, if ask me for my review of the mystery Oreo’s, they are crap and should be melted down into a fiery furnace or burned at the stake, or drowned in the depths of the deep blue milk. Rest in bitterness, mystery Oreo’s.
Bitter Mystery Oreo Ben