In addition to opposable thumbs and brains that do high level coding, one of the other things that seperate (along with the ability to use spellcheck) us from the apes, is the fact that we shave. Ourselves. I guess apes try to shave themselves, but then they would have big bloody cuts all the time, and would always be irritated every summer when they had to start shaving every other day again so they could wear their swimsuits.
Shaving is one of the most irritating things about being adult humans. Babies and young children get a pass and that isn’t cool. They get all the privileges and none of the responsibilities. I wonder why they are all in such hurry to be an adult. Yeah, we get to have jobs and pay money for everything, and get ulcers and visit therapists and shave all the time. Why wouldn’t you want to be an adult?
Why would you want to?
I used to shave most everyday, until I realized that I had sensitive skin that needs coddling or it get irritated with me. It throws a fit and runs to its bedroom crying because I won’t let it stay up past 5 o’clock shadow. Sometimes I just think my skin needs to grow up and toughen up a little and stop being such a baby. I mean really, just because a razor with 5 sharp blades comes into contact with it, it starts itching and gets red. From embarrassment. I guess I would be embarrassed to be my skin too, but chill out, epidermis. I mean, you act like you are a bullet wound or something. Has it met other parts of my body?
My head may not think thoughts or anything, but at least it is as hard as a rock. My eyes may only see things, but you don’t see them crying all the time. My nose gets stuck smelling all kinds of stinky things, but it doesn’t get red and irritated every time a smell enters its nostrils.
The thing about my beard is that for 42 years, brown had exclusivity rights on the color. It paid a lot of money to get to the rights, and yet around year 43, gray thought it was okay to sneak in a hair or 2000, without paying or a contract or anything. Gray was sneaky enough to let brown think it was still in charge by letting him have a few courtesy spots on the beard, but gray knew it was taking over for good and there was nothing brown could do about it.
Silly, brown. Beards are going gray and there is nothing you can do about it. It is every shade of gray including brown gray.
I could try to get some of that beard coloring, but gray knows that when I stop coloring, its still there ready to come out of hiding, just like Micheal Scott’s surprise appearance as a grey year old in the Finale of the office.
…What any parent would wish for their kids.
It’s chasing me down, and there is nothing I can do about it. Except maybe….
ARRRGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Graybeard Ben