Over the last 5 years of blogging, I’ve noticed a few disturbing trends. One of the big ones is that my audience (the ones that have been tricked into reading this crap) don’t really share much in common with me. Most of my readers are female (which is a demographic I don’t really understand) and most of them don’t like the things I do, IE video gaming, sports and being lazy. So I’ve realized that I need to explain things a little more when talking about sports and video games.
So, if you haven’t heard of Lavar Ball, he is this brash, arrogant, stupid talking dude that thinks because he has three sons that are really good basketball players, he can start saying completely ridiculous things and people will just accept him. Anyways, his son Lonzo is entering the NBA draft this June, and he is already starting his own company called Big Baller Brand and within that brand he is selling some $495 shoes. I guess you can overprice shoes when your son hasn’t proved anything in the NBA yet.
He’s using the Dennis Rodman business model. By saying ridiculous things and stupid things he gets attention (mostly negative) and people call him a brilliant marketer. Mostly it’s because people hate you, but you get lots of free publicity, I.E. I’m writing about him on my blog that 10’s of people ready
Here are some of the ridiculous things he has said.
“Back in my heyday, I would kill Michael Jordan one-on-one,’’ Ball told USA TODAY Sports. “I would just back him in and lift him off the ground and call a foul every time he fouls me when I do a jump hook to the right or the left. He cannot stop me one-on-one. He better make every shot ’cause he can’t go around me. He’s not fast enough. And he can only make so many shots outside before I make every bucket under the rim.”
Talking about a shoe contract for his three sons, two of which are still in high school:
““A billion dollars, it has to be there,” Ball said in the same interview. “That’s our number, a billion, straight out of the gate. And you don’t even have to give it to me all up front. Give us $100 mil over 10 years.”
He’s better than Steph Curry:
“I’m gonna tell you right now, he better than Steph Curry right now,” LaVar said on the sidelines of a UCLA-USC game. “Put Steph Curry on UCLA right now, and put my boy on Golden State, and watch what happens.”
Okay, so now you know what kind of dude we are dealing with. Now, what does that have to do with me? Cause it’s always about me right?
Well, I’m starting my Bitter Baller Brand. We need clothing for people that aren’t going to be in sports for a living. My brand is dedicated to those who either were so bad that their parents didn’t bother in spending any money after fifth grade, or those whose parent’s put all their childhood failures into their kids.
I’ve got T-shirts for that one kid who sits on the bench because he clearly doesn’t care about lacrosse or listening to his coaches lectures on maintaining the baseline.
I’ve got shorts for that kid that got picked second to last because the captain’s just stopped caring and they just picked a random kid they didn’t know.
I’ve got hats for the kids who is more interested in the grass growing in the outfield than running to get a ball that all the kids and coaches are screaming about.
I’ve got warm up jackets for the kid that enjoyed getting splinters in their behinds that playing the last few minutes of a 40 point blow out.
I’ve got shoes for those that chose to be a goalie on a world class soccer team, so they could daydream and look at clouds and most importantly not run the whole game, and get kicked in the shins. And so you could use your hands.
I want to sell these to the bitter sports people. The ones that were dragged to a game on a date, or forced to watch a 9 inning torture fest of a baseball game, or a preseason game.
I have gloves for those who will become widowers of the football season, and banners to put on the wall right next to their partner’s Fatheads.
I am the champion of the sports bitterest, not because I care about them at all, but because I want to make money from a segment of the population that is super bitter about sports. Because getting from suckers is how I like to do business.
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Bitter Baller Brand Ben