Bitter Baller Brand

Disturbing Trend

Over the last 5 years of blogging, I’ve noticed a few disturbing trends. One of the big ones is that my audience (the ones that have been tricked into reading this crap) don’t really share much in common with me. Most of my readers are female (which is a demographic I don’t really understand) and most of them don’t like the things I do, IE video gaming, sports and being lazy. So I’ve realized that I need to explain things a little more when talking about sports and video games.

So, if you haven’t heard of Lavar Ball, he is this brash, arrogant, stupid talking dude that thinks because he has three sons that are really good basketball players, he can start saying completely ridiculous things and people will just accept him. Anyways, his son Lonzo is entering the NBA draft this June, and he is already starting his own company called Big Baller Brand and within that brand he is selling some $495 shoes. I guess you can overprice shoes when your son hasn’t proved anything in the NBA yet.

To shock and awe, change your hair color.

He’s using the Dennis Rodman business model. By saying ridiculous things and stupid things he gets attention (mostly negative) and people call him a brilliant marketer. Mostly it’s because people hate you, but you get lots of free publicity, I.E. I’m writing about him on my blog that 10’s of people ready

Here are some of the ridiculous things he has said.

“Back in my heyday, I would kill Michael Jordan one-on-one,’’ Ball told USA TODAY Sports. “I would just back him in and lift him off the ground and call a foul every time he fouls me when I do a jump hook to the right or the left. He cannot stop me one-on-one. He better make every shot ’cause he can’t go around me. He’s not fast enough. And he can only make so many shots outside before I make every bucket under the rim.”

Talking about a shoe contract for his three sons, two of which are still in high school:

““A billion dollars, it has to be there,” Ball said in the same interview. “That’s our number, a billion, straight out of the gate. And you don’t even have to give it to me all up front. Give us $100 mil over 10 years.”

He’s better than Steph Curry:

“I’m gonna tell you right now, he better than Steph Curry right now,” LaVar said on the sidelines of a UCLA-USC game. “Put Steph Curry on UCLA right now, and put my boy on Golden State, and watch what happens.”

Okay, so now you know what kind of dude we are dealing with. Now, what does that have to do with me? Cause it’s always about me right?

Well, I’m starting my Bitter Baller Brand. We need clothing for people that aren’t going to be in sports for a living. My brand is dedicated to those who either were so bad that their parents didn’t bother in spending any money after fifth grade, or those whose parent’s put all their childhood failures into their kids.

I’ve got T-shirts for that one kid who sits on the bench because he clearly doesn’t care about lacrosse or listening to his coaches lectures on maintaining the baseline.

I’ve got shorts for that kid that got picked second to last because the captain’s just stopped caring and they just picked a random kid they didn’t know.

I’ve got hats for the kids who is more interested in the grass growing in the outfield than running to get a ball that all the kids and coaches are screaming about.

I’ve got warm up jackets for the kid that enjoyed getting splinters in their behinds that playing the last few minutes of a 40 point blow out.

I’ve got shoes for those that chose to be a goalie on a world class soccer team, so they could daydream and look at clouds and most importantly not run the whole game, and get kicked in the shins. And so you could use your hands.

I want to sell these to the bitter sports people. The ones that were dragged to a game on a date, or forced to watch a 9 inning torture fest of a baseball game, or a preseason game.

I have gloves for those who will become widowers of the football season, and banners to put on the wall right next to their partner’s Fatheads.

I am the champion of the sports bitterest, not because I care about them at all, but because I want to make money from a segment of the population that is super bitter about sports. Because getting from suckers is how I like to do business.

Sign up today for my newsletter for only $9.99 an issue, so you can pre-order stuff for only 120% down so you can then get items for only 0% off when you use the promocode:Bitterbenmoney

ARRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Baller Brand Ben

 

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42 thoughts on “Bitter Baller Brand

  1. Lavar Ball is a complete tool. I saw him on Colin Cowherd’s show today dissing Cowherds co-host. He has no contracts to speak of with Under Armour or Adidas, etc but he walks around acting like he is the next Mark Cuban. News flash: he is more like Kanye West. That is the business model he follows.
    Good luck with your sporting ventures, Bitter Ben. I can see that you have a bitter future ahead of you.

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  2. Ben-
    I think more women follow you because we experience more bitterness than men do. In fact, men make us bitter a lot of the time. I adore your bitterness! When I read your posts, I want to be bitter right along with you.
    You are the King of bitterness!

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    • I’m pretty sure that is true. We do cause most of it. You should ask my wife about that. I just think that I was born with a bitter spoon in my mouth and just never recovered. That is why I can write so much about it. I’ve never been the King of anything, but if you type in bitter.com you get Burger King, so maybe that is why I am so bitter. Because they stole my website. Ugggh.

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  3. So a guy who averaged 2 points in his playing days is going to be Michael Jordan one-on-one? I don’t know about the kid, but Lavar is on another planet. I would be real concerned about drafting any of his kids-he’s a whack-job.

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  4. It’s kind of weird that Dennis Rodman was a much better ball player before he started being so weird. Guess weird doesn’t play as well in Detroit as it does in LA

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  5. I admit that every time you post about sports, I glaze over. However, this one did include some fashion so…I’m guessing all of these items are haute couture since it’s clearly for children that don’t care about sports…as in, fur windbreakers and 5 inch stiletto cleats.

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  6. That sounds like a brilliant, bitter, but fair offer. However, I’m forbidden to spend money I haven’t acquired yet so I will sign up for your program right after the sports seasons end.

    If you find that there is too much money coming in for you to effectively launder…er, ah… *administrate!* I’m happy to provide my bitterly expensive services.

    ~DM (today it’s short for da money…come to think of it, so am I.)

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      • I am also available for debt collection head cracking…erm…kneecap baseball-batting….er, ah… “*services.*” And I know all about getting a head start in debt, which is why I’m not at liberty to divulge certain activities, and the others are too traumatic and embarrassing to disclose. Suffice it to say the head I nearly lost getting started was my own.

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  7. Well first of all that man is bat shit crazy! And so are his shoes! I love sports! And I have perfected the art of being lazy to unheard of heights! Go Cubs! And whoever is playing Golden State! ( shakes head bitterly) lol

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    • Yes, he is crazy, or a genius. One can never tell with these people. He may never make his billion dollar contract, but he will live off his son’s money and fame. All for being the dad of talented sons. Though it looks like he may spin his son’s careers before they take off.
      And yeah, the Spurs are playing Golden State and I’m super bitter because that jerk hurt Kawaii ankle.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Understand completely. It’s the american marketing model. Pay some schmuck a zillion dollars before they have played one minute of professional sports. I was a horrible athlete – if not picked last during my best years – elementary school – I got a BLUE RIBBON for bench sitting. Ha. Showed them. Full of vinegar, I excelled in all the non-competitive sports. I’ll buy your lazy man’s brand – but someone has to pick up my contract for Grumpy Navy Chief’s sports management – field day, in-door marching party, and “sensitivity” – NOT training, So do you do IOUs?

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  9. As a female who doesn’t like video games or sports but is lazy as hell, I’m liking the point you are making and I would totally be eligible to have at least one item of your clothing line because I majorly, embarrassingly sucked at high school sports. Good message.

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