I’m going to go ahead and go off script a little for this time of year. I’m not going to talk about my resolutions or how I’m going to improve myself. We all know, I never do that anyways.
What I am going to do is go ahead and tell you all about what I did for Christmas. Cause you know you want to hear about that.
You know I can’t go anywhere without a little drama. So we decided that we were going to go visit my parents. They live in the same state as we do, but in the much nicer weathery part down south. We figured since it was December, the weather would get better the closer we got to the equator. When the weather is nice, it would take us about 3 and 1/2 hours. But if you add snow, rain, hail, fog, ice or anything not so nice, then it becomes considerably longer.
As one who never catches a break, because I’m bitter and I earn it from being bitter, we did not catch a break. We got snow, rain, hail, fog, ice and everything not nice. So it took us a while. But we made it thanks to the driving skills I forged from driving in South Dakota all those years.
We floated in on a broken wing and a not so nicely uttered prayer. We landed safely and crankily in my parent’s retirement community. Almost immediately, we had a reverse Cocoon situation on our hands. If you’ve never seen Cocoon, don’t go see it. Just know that it was about some alien force making old people that entered a pool feel young again.
I almost immediately transformed from Middle Aged Bitter Ben, to Old Bitter Ben. I expected quiet around the community, or I would crank about it. I started enjoying riding my dad’s golf cart around. I started yelling at little kid’s to get off my artificial turf. I started turning up my hearing aid at the movie because the Dolby 7.1 surround sound blaring at full blast just wasn’t loud enough.
I complained about how about how the plot to Rogue One didn’t make any sense. I started taking every pain pill known to man, just to get up in the morning. Limping slowly was my only mode of transportation. I was even starting to crave prunes and cole slaw.
When we went swimming, I got mad at the dang kids who were splashing and getting in our hot tub that the rules clearly stated were for us 55 and over people. And for goodness sakes, the road sign showed that people are not supposed to be dragging mud on Old Marsh street. I’m so irritated, I’m going to strongly word a letter through the Pony Express to our HOA organization.
Somehow I made it through all those naps and the 4pm dinners, and the waiting around in my recliner chair to be woken up for my 6 pm Jeopardy that I would mumble incorrect answers to, then get my cane so I could to sleep for 12 hours. I then woke long enough to tell a long, drawn out story about the log hut I grew up in.
But soon, our vacation was over and we had to go back home. Almost immediately when we left the retirement community, I started to feel younger already. Strength was restored to my bones, hearing came back to my ears, rational thoughts entered my brains, and I started getting a few Jeopardy answers right.
Man was I bummed. I longed for the days when I could be Bitter Old Ben again.
Bitter Old Ben