I don’t really like people telling me what to do. Kind of a freak about that, but it started early in the old Bitter Man’s life. My mom told me to come out in March, but I was not having it and decided that I was going to chill a little longer in the warmth. Besides, I had a bit of a following on my first blog, Ben’s Bitter Birth and wasn’t ready to lose all my followers just yet.
Then when I got into elementary school and was introduced to Transformers, and I was hooked. A toy that allows me to change it when I don’t think it looks cool as a car? A multi-functional robot with feelings? Now we are talking. But then some kid told me that I should stop liking them because I was in junior high. Well, how do you think that turned out for him? I still like them now, and probably just to spite him.
People telling me what to do just doesn’t work. But inanimate objects, well they seem to have some sway with me for some reason.
For instance, the other day after all my final classes were complete and I was trying to leave campus for the last time, I walked outside and it was cold. Really, cold. Not only that but it was windy. And the wind was blowing directly towards me. It was almost like the wind was saying, “Nope, you aren’t leaving. You’re staying right here. So get right back in there and do some homework or something. Even if you don’t have any. Oh you think you are headed home? I don’t think so. I’m pushing you around.” Man, I thought people were the worst, but wind is even pushier.
I’ve often talked about trees being jerks before. The like to litter, they like to fall down and pretend like they are dead so they can block your path to work, they can even take out your power lines so you are deprived of the most precious resource that has ever been invented. TV. And if that isn’t enough, they can even steal your soul. I wish I was kidding. I just finished half watching an amazingly horrible movie on Netflix about a guy that dies, and a tree takes his voice. All of a sudden, he is able to talk to his daughter through the tree. The tree then starts “attacking” the guy that is trying to date his wife, by tripping him with his roots. He even falls on the house when he finds out she kisses the guy. I wish this was made up, I really do. Because then it would seem less absurd.
But the inanimate object that betrayed me the most recently was my remote control. Ever since we were introduced many years ago, the remote has been my one constant. Through all the bitterness and rage, through all the bitter battles, and all the bitter fights, remote control has always been there for me. Not once has it ever not listened to me. When I want it louder, I press the buttons and the remote obeys. When I want it on another channel, remote is there for me. When I want to watch a Blu-ray, remote is there to push play. And want I want to control the fate of Sera (in video games), remote answers every A, B, X, Y, shift, motion, start or select. He never lets me down. Until today that is. I pushed a button to stop the insane Tree movie and he wouldn’t listen. It was like he was trying to make me continue to watch a movie about an inanimate object that was calling the shots.
Luckily, I found batteries and that remote started paying attention again. He better started listening or I will have to go get a replacement friend. And he doesn’t want that. Because I will throw him right into the land of replacement remotes and that is a harsh place in the winter. Especially without a Remote Control Coat.
Bitter Inanimate Objects Ben