Bitterness is at an all time high these days and I would be a really bad bitterperson if I didn’t at least put in a mediocre effort to take advantage of the situation. And what better way to exploit other businesses that have been way more successful than all my failed business ventures, than to just blatantly copy what they did and replace it with one thing.
So here is what I propose. I propose that Loot Crate (a monthly box of pop culture goodies), Birch Box (bunch of make up and stuff), Geek Box(Video game box), E.L.F. 10 Piece Mystery Box (I think it might be a mystery box) give me their email lists of suckers that actually pay real money currency for those things and then I start a business in which I send all kinds of crap I find around my house to people for like say, $50 bucks a month?
That sounds like a reasonable amount to me. And with our true focus on customer dissatisfaction, we will make sure that all the people that call in and complain about how their box was not to their satisfaction will get an earful from our customer disservice agents.
We promise that each box will be carefully crafted to look disorganized, disheveled and guarantee that you will get just the kind of bitterness that will match the kind or horrible day you had at work, so your unlucky streak of a bad day will continue.
We want to assure that your box gets ripped, lost in the mail, or items are lost each and every month. We feel that if you aren’t upset, angry, or calling the Bitter Business Bureau every month, then we aren’t doing our jobs. We want you to be upset. We want you to frown, we want you to feel like you just got punched in the gut, or chosen last for teams in gym class.
We want you to feel as if you are in junior high all over again. We want you to feel awkward, confused, or fearful. We want you to feel like you are on your first date, your high school prom, or getting in groups in class for the very first time.
And we want your feedback. We want you to call our 1-900 number with a massive phone tree that will never get you to an actual agent. We want you to like crawling up in a ball, or like you are in crippling debt, or you at your first session with your therapist. This box should be one that you will dread every month, knowing that you accidentally signed up for something you won’t legally be able to get out of and won’t have the time to try to figure out how to get out of.
We want you so bitter that you can’t concentrate on anything else. Work will seem easier in comparison. Relationships will seem less complicated. Math will seem like the easiest thing in the world compared to this box.
So, if you want to blown away by how bitter you can be, let Bitter Box, a box filled with bitterness, be your next purchase for Christmas, birthdays, anniversary or the most important person in your life, you.
I will be taking pre-orders for $50. Reserve your box today, and be ready for the most disappointment you have ever felt. Our Slogan? Like Loot Crate, but way more bitter.
Our vision? To make you more bitter about life than you have ever been.
Sign up. Sign up now.
Bitter Box Peddler Ben