The Ultimate Bittersurvivor

Okay, yes Tom you made fire, but you didn't do so well on the challenge.

Okay, yes Tom you made fire, but you didn’t do so well on the challenge.

Remember that game show Survivor? Do you remember how they placed people on an island with only a few provisions? They had to fend for food, and make their own shelter and compete in challenges against another team of survivors and then they had to vote one off every week. I think Tom Hanks was one of the originals and for some reason he only chose a volleyball and a Fedex package, which he never opened. Could have been a freaking knife or a pizza. Why didn’t he open it?

Anyways, I can’t remember if he won or not, because he wasn’t very good at the challenges. But the concept kind of reminds me of a bitter situation that is going to happen tomorrow whether we like it or not.

Things got a little heated in the Elephant tribe.

Things got a little heated in the Elephant tribe.

It all started about two years ago with a bunch of people (shall we call them the Elephant Tribe?) and it was a cutthroat situation between a former champions brother, a real estate mogul, the head of a state of Jersey that was New, a lawyer and a bunch of other jokers. They yelled and fought and slung mud at each other and talked about how unqualified to lead the tribe each other was, while not looking into the mirror because they couldn’t find one on the island. Eventually the real estate mogul became the leader of the tribe because he either yelled so loudly at the other tribe members that no one could hear anything, or he had more coconuts (or was it him that was nuts?).

The donkey's are a little out of control too.

The donkey tribe race started getting away from them too.

The other tribe (we’ll call them the Donkey Tribe) had just two contestants. An old man wearing an old suit and an old woman wearing an old pant suit. The old man and woman fought about the coconut distribution and the fact that the warmth of the fire should be shared more equally, while the old woman was busy talking about how she had more experience dealing with the monkeys in the white hut at the top of the hill, and how she was responsible for taking out the biggest threat of the island(the Smoke Monster) while she was in the white hut. She was also the wife of a previous Survivor winner, so she should get the job, even though her private hand scrawled messages to the monkeys were compromised.

The old pant suit woman and the overtanned real estate mogul made it to the finals and slung even more mud at each other. We are left with two finalists that are deplorable for reasons. Unfortunately, it is too late for anyone else to come and intervene, unless somehow, just like in the Epic Rap Battles of History, Abe Lincoln comes flying down on a bald eagle and tells us that this was just a funny prank the nation played on us.

Tomorrow is the finale of Survivor: Washington DC and the vote will be aired live. Most of the time in this game, there is a contestant who has played the game more admirably and while we don’t always agree with the results of the contest, at least we feel safe with the person that will get then new white hut on the hill. But this season, I’m not sure I want to know the results. Is it possible we can just cancel this season and start all over with a revote?

So who will OutDimwit, Outoverplay, OutbLast their competition? Let’s hope we never have to find out. How about tomorrow we vote for best pizza topping!

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Rock the Pizza Vote

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38 thoughts on “The Ultimate Bittersurvivor

  1. Oh my Bitter friend! Yes, this episode is really making me bitter. Look at it this way, we will have either 4 years of the shouty, orange man or the horrible dictator pantsuit woman. Then we can have Kanye West to look forward to in 2020. Does that make you even more bitter?

    Like

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