I’ve always taken great pride in being really bad at things. I joke about how bad I am at math, but it really is amazing how I can’t even help my 6th grade daughter with her homework. She isn’t even to Algebra yet. I think it’s humorous how bad I am at fixing things or building things. The only thing I build is animosity.
Dad, can you help me with my math. Uhhhh…yeah of course. As soon as that probe comes back from Jupiter.
I’ve only recently discovered that I can change a tire. But ask me to build a piece of furniture or change my own oil, screw something together or change a sparkplug and you’ve got one confused look on this face.
The thing I find most amusing about how pathetic I am is that my last name is Gardner, and I’m not gardener. In fact, I’ve probably gone out of my way to be bad at gardening, just to set up that sad irony. I don’t even know the difference between a plant and a weed. I’m a complete fail when it comes to anything remotely green and grassy. On the other hand, weeds are really good at their job. So well, in fact, that weeds are way more successful than me in general. For instance:
Showing you how I do it.
They grow fast – I’ve been around for 43 years and I’m still figuring out how to grow successfully. I make mistakes all the time and don’t learn from them. I still drop dishes, I haven’t learned to consistently throw my clothes in the hamper, and I still tell my family and friends the same jokes that aren’t funny again and again. On the other hand, weeds grow daily. Sometimes they even outgrow the plants.
They have persistence – You can’t get weeds down. Cut them down, insult them, mow them down with a weed wacker, lawn mower or weed killer and they are back up in a week, growing right along with the plant. But tell me no in an interview, or when I ask for a raise or even a new video game and my little feelers get hurt and I bitter things up so much that I dig myself a grief hole and bury it with dirt sadness.
They are good at camouflage – Weeds are so good at hiding that unless you have a horticulture degree, with a grass identification minor, you won’t be able to figure out which is which. And even if you think you know the difference, they make it dang near impossible to search and destroy them, by hanging out near all the good plants. I, on the other hand, would be the equivelant of a bright pink vest in a forest. If my life depended on me blending in a party, by pretending to have a good time, I would be the big Red Bullseye at a Target store with arrows pointing directly at me saying “Shoot here first! I demand that you shoot me!”
Weeds be like…
They easily adapt to their new work environment – Weeds are the equivalent of a new guy coming in, telling a funny story and instantly being invited to an after work party. They find their new plant, learn the new color, shape and size of the plant and grow right along with them. Get a 401K, stock options and a corner office. As opposed to me, still trying to get someone to answer an email I sent 4 weeks ago or getting a word in edgewise when not sleeping in the meeting.
They have protections to keep people away – They don’t even have to be ninja’s if they don’t want to be. They can be brash and belligerant and downright rude if they want. Because they have an abrasiveness that you won’t want to deal with. They have thorns. Sticky thorns, that can tear your flesh up! You can mess with them, but they will give you the thorns. On the other hand, I can’t even get a door or a ceiling. I have no protection from the outside predators called co-workers except for my steely resting bitter face, which oblivious co-workers blaze right past.
They are good at enticing you to keep them around – They can continue to hang around even if they are worst jerks ever. You know why? They have blackberries. They are like that guy in the office that you want to beat to a bloody pulp, but they continue to be employed because they make the best brownies. Or every week they bring pizza and share. Or they continue to give you just enough of a raise to stay for “just one more year”. Me? I can’t even get my family to listen to my boring stories. Hmm, maybe if I told my co-workers my boring stories they would go away.
Please don’t cut me down…I’ll give you blackberries…..
The moral of the story? Weeds are the worst. They annoy the heck out of you, they are always ruining your garden and they aren’t kind of prick..ully. But somehow they are successful and you are not. Maybe there isn’t a lesson here. Because bitter blogs don’t teach lessons. They just complain about how weeds are more successful. UGGGH.
ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Weed Be Better off as Enemies Ben