The big summer holiday around these parts is July 4th, or as us Amuricans call it, “Independence Day”. It’s based around a war between US (or us) and some other country and it was all about who could have the biggest fireworks displays. Whoever won got to keep ownership over the Boston Starbucks Harbor and Times Square. Then they sat down for a Turkey Dinner and made peace and included in the feast was Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and Mother Time. Ben Franklin was out flying a kite and discovered electricity because someone needed power for the the TV so they could watch the parade with Spongebob and Garfield balloons. After that, they all went shopping at Amazon.com for Green Friday sales, and sat down for a long summer’s nap. When they woke up, Leprechauns delivered gold to each table using bald eagles, and Paul Reverie and his marry men rode in the Kentucky Derby. It was such a huge day, that Congress named it Independence Day after the original Independence Day movie where aliens blew up the White House and Napa Valley. Because of the explosions, we always get hot weather for the 4th, except in Seattle, because the aliens couldn’t find any tall buildings interesting enough to blow up.
In celebration of our mid summer night’s holiday, I want to talk about the main thrust of the holiday: Independence. Let’s talk about some things that I need independence from.
Work – It is about time I stopped being so dependent on my jobs. The only thing it provides is money, and insurance, and maybe keeping me from being bored from playing video games all the time. All in exchange for shortening my life, keeping me away from vacations and holiday, and forcing me to use my brain, and interact with people.
Shoes and socks – My feet are pretty important. Kind of VIF’s. They are always transporting me to places that my car is too lazy to go, and even pushes pedals on my car, that my hands are too lazy to operate. The hands are always getting the props, but the feet are always doing all the work. The feet are stuck in the prisons called shoes and socks, while the hands get to roam free. And they only time they get washed is in the shower once a week, while the hands get washed every time I go to the bathroom. I think it’s time to feet more than 2 week of vacation every year.
Hikes – You know what else can take a hike this Independence Day? Hikes can take a hike. Clearly they are so bad that whenever you want to banish someone, you tell them to take one. They are hard work, you get all sweaty, and usually every step you take, every move you make, someone is watching you. Creepy right? But mostly, every step is higher than the last. And there is rarely a good payoff at the end. One time I went and all there was at the top was like a view of things. Like far away. And on the way down, all I get was to carry my son on my shoulders and I got to hear my daughter asking, “How much farther?” That sounds like fun time.
Hot Cross Buns – 34 years ago, I was introduced to the brain worm of a song and it hasn’t left my brain since. I’ve tried catchier songs, but nothing can seem to override it. And the recorder. Whoever invented this thing should be tied up in the town square and made to listen to someone play that song on a recorder for all eternity. The only thing about the song that makes sense is that it makes me very cross. sl
Knowledge – So overrated, this knowledge thing. So you can spell a few words correctly. Who determined the right way to spell stuff, some Latin professor named Webster that couldn’t come up with a thesis for his master’s so he came up with the right way to spell stuff? What what he thinking with exercise and rhythm anyways? I can think of a few examples, but now all his hard work has gone the way of Blockbuster because of spellcheck and Google. You might as well get work at Burger King or Wendy’s with all the usefulness your spelling. Your life’s work is all for nothing.
Speaking of life’s work being for naught. How about Lord Fireworkington who invented fireworks? All that work and the only thing that has come from his work is a few days a year, people are allowed to set things on fire, spend their life savings, and being compared to a kids self esteem on a Katy Perry song. Big success he turned out to be.
Have a Bitter Four of July. Try not start a forest fire.
Bitter Fourth of Independence Ben