I’ve always wanted to be famous. Since at least 2012. That’s why I created this blog. I want my face on every billboard, my name in lights on broadway, on every credit in every television show, my name in every movie’s IMDB. I want to be so famous that you won’t even be able to mention anything in pop culture without hearing my name. I want every entertainment magazine to start off their show with my name, whether it is for my new movie premiere or my latest visit to McDonald’s drive thru. Extra, ET, Access Hollywood, E! New, Inside Stuff should have camera people camped permanently outside my house. Bitter Ben should be a name you should hear more than a Kardashian.
But you may ask, “Why would you want to be famous, Bitter Ben? You are an introvert and a low key guy that only writes on the internet because you want to spread the bitter word of Bitterness. You would rather sit on your couch and watch TV, than go outside. You would rather hide under your desk at work than attend a meeting with other people. You would rather spend a whole day, not showering, wearing a hat and hiding inside a house than ever embrace the harsh world of fame.
Exactly. I can’t stand cameras. I can’t stand people and pushy salesman and stalkers in my lawn waiting for me to say a word or screw up epically. I despise people who seek attention and manufacture scandal or problems or shock value in order to get any more attention. Any chance I get to stay away from people I take it. So why would I want to be famous? Because it would make me bitter.
The whole circle of fame just oozes of bitterness. I would rise to fame for doing nothing more than disappearing on a boat for a while , having 19 kids, or winning the lottery. I would start to get really full of myself, ignore my true friends, start being rude to everyone, showing up late and feign humility when I got awards and free stuff. So basically like how I am now, but in front of a way bigger audience. I would continue to use my fame to get other things, until one day I decided to stay out of the limelight for a few moments and then people just start forgetting about me. Then I would start eating too much ice cream and pizza, getting out of shape for my role in the next big YouTube video and trying to pathetically get on a reality show and get famous for one more cycle before going bankrupt and realizing that the only way I can make money anymore is by acting, but I can’t act, so I live out my days in obscurity.
That is how it will all end. But here is how it will all start. I officially announce my candidacy for a quick rise to fame. Behold, the most famous way to get famous on YouTube. A cat video:
This is going on YouTube as of last night. Before you wake up in the morning, I will be the most famous person in the world. See you on the other side of fame Bitterians!
Bitterly Almost Famous Ben