Walking the Bitter Plank


I get most of my information about the world either from the Today show(but only at 8 am – 8:20 am during my morning break), Twitter, my wife’s Facebook, (I don’t get much from mine, because lack of Facebook friends, or ones that spread gossip like butter on bitter.) or sports talk radio.  If real breaking news doesn’t happen during those precise times, on those precise platforms, I have no idea what is happening in the world until I get home.

And as far as all those murders that happen, well, I might find out 40 days later when they are on Nightline. I’m like that murder happened next door? When was that on the news? And she’s like, every day for like a month. And I’m like, so what happened? It’s probably a good thing you come here for bitter, because if you come here for current events, well I stopped delivering that in 8th grade when we were required to pretend to care about the world around us and cut something out of the paper that sounded important.

Last time I did current events.

Last time I did current events.

So, I was watching the Today last week and they had that guy from the Biggest Loser on the show. By the way, The Biggest Loser is a not a great name to call your show (brings back memories of junior high). Wouldn’t a better name have been The Amazing Weight Loss Race, or something better? Anyway, they asked the Biggest Loser guy if you only have time to do one thing during the day for exercise, what is the one thing you would do? He said planking. I kind of laughed because I thought planking was kind of a dead trend from 4 or 5 years ago and honestly a little dangerous, especially with Dwight Shrute around.

Planking: Dangerous especially when Dwight Shrute is around.

Planking: Dangerous especially when Dwight Shrute is around.


Also, don’t allow Dwight to have access to the fire extinguisher.

Regardless, I wasn’t doing it in the office and Dwight wasn’t around, so I decided to try it. And honestly, I’m not sure why people think it is so hard. I mean, I’ve essentially been doing it on the couch for hours at a time every day. All I have to do if flip over, and I’m doing it. I figure if I just keep doing what I’m doing I should lose 100 pounds by the end of the year. Which probably isn’t good, because that would be way below the target weight of a male in my height category. So, to counteract all the weight loss from planking I will add in a lot more pizza into the mix. It’s a lose-win situation for everyone (and by everyone, I mean me.)

So maybe when I start losing all this weight, I will start sending pictures. But you probably won’t recognize me (except for the visual clue of me stuffing my face with pizza.) Plank on, bitter people.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH gotta go do more planking.

Bitter Planker Ben












43 thoughts on “Walking the Bitter Plank

  1. Ooooo, Ben, it’s harder than you think. I tried it along with a bunch of friends. The leader looks like a Barbie doll and coaches people at the gym in her free time. We’ll hold the position for one minute, she said, just one minute. It was the longest f**king minute of my life, I swore her watch must have stopped. And since I refused to be the first to cave, I hung in–shaking, muscles burning as I prayed for death 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve never heard of planking before. I guess I watch less news than you, if that’s possible. Just the same, I have done quite a bit of planking in my life, at least metaphorically. That’s when you mentally lie face down in the metaphorical mud of this world, and let people walk all over you. But it’s great for diets, because I must admit I carry very little weight in the circles I frequent.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was suggested to do something called the push-up as it also had that additional perk of using a similar maneuver perform better in bed. Sadly, I have not been able to test the latter theory for a long time.
    I still do one each day, almost every day in the morning as I push myself up to release myself from the gravitational pull of my comfortable bed. Yet, I have not reached my fitness goal of 150 pounds which is 50 pounds less from where I am currently at.
    Your article has inspired me to try planking and hopefully, I shall be able to manage my weight like you have.


  4. Such a good idea. Plank and eat at the same time by keeping the box of pizza in front of your face while you’re on your stomach. You’re probably creating the next exercise/diet program!


    • I assume that this new program will be the next big diet fad that will sell millions of units and then get recalled after it is proven that you might gain weight, but it will be too late for me to have all my millions.


      • Um… Since I helped you realize that this should be The Next Thing, will I be getting a cut? Like, a cut of pizza and a cut of the cash. Enough to buy an RV to live in, maybe.


        • Of course. It might be a while before you get a cut. I hope you like pepperoni, because that is the kind I like to work out with, so I get a volume discount. And it just so happens that I pay out finder’s fee’s in RV bucks. I think you will get just enough to get one that will fit in your back yard.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Oh. My backyard? From movies, I’ve learned that you have to empty out the, y’know, waste from RVs, so I was planning to park it in other people’s backyards, sooo… It just needs to be big/small enough to fit in the average backyard. Or front yard. I’m really not picky.

          Anyway, yeah. I think working out to pepperoni sounds good. K, thanks!


        • Yeah, seeing that RV movie gave a whole terrible perspective on renting one of those. Hopefully they take care of the crap before they rent it to you. But yeah, having one in your neighbor’s yard is a good solution. Then they get the leftovers.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. RE: “I get most of my information about the world either from the Today show”
    That is not too bad … I know a lot of people who only get their news from late-night TV comedians.
    : (


  6. Doesn’t it just suck when you can’t sleep on the job? Why is it that people insist on calling you at the office between 8 – 5. Don’t they know you need some shut-eye? 🙂


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