The best thing about online shopping, other than being able to do it in your PJ’s while sitting on the couch, is the ability to compare the pricing and features of your tacky jean shorts, or a totally outdated 1080p only HD TV to a cutting edge UHD TV’s on different websites. Back in the old days, I.E. when I was young, you had to turn 14, take Driver’s Ed, fail, beg your parent’s to give you another chance, fail again, decide to just wing it, get lucky when you are not asked to parallel park, finally get your driver’s license, waste your life until you turn 30, can finally afford a big screen TV, then drive all over town to the different stores to get just the right kind of false information, to THEN finally make a decision.
Compare that to now, where false information can be easily obtained at the touch of a few buttons on the internet. In fact, now you can thousands of conflicting opinions from all kinds of people, from trolls who just want to make your buying decision a misery, to technonoobs that can’t even figure out how to turn the TV on, to audiophiles who will bury a TV for even the smallest sound flaw, and mix that in with the experts to even farther muddy the waters. All these things can help you make an even more ill informed choice of your purchase of a planned obsolescent product you are about get that will soon be lemonized. It’s an exciting time to live.
Exciting except that the internet doesn’t help us comparison shop for the one thing we really want to comparison shop. Other people. How are we supposed to find just the right person for us as a mate, or as a best bro, or as a sister from another mister, or as co-worker that will drive us just crazy enough that we will actually want to go home and be pathetic by eating ice cream for dinner and watching Netflix.
How are we supposed to be fully bitter, when we can’t compare our bitterness to another’s persons horribleness? Or how can we compare our vapidness with other person’s vanity? Our shallowness with other people’s arrogance? Our back stabbiness with another person’s vindictiveness?
Why can’t we comparison shop people? It just seems a little frustrating and random that we are mostly matched with people we live nearby or that happen to work in the same company as we do. I hate inspirational quotes, but even they tell us that we should compare ourselves to our future selves. So if we are allowed to compare ourselves to our future self, shouldn’t we be allowed to compare other people?
I suppose there could be an app or website for that. There is probably some really snooty mathematician girl out there that could come up with an algorithm that would help you compare people. And I’m sure there is some genius app developer the framework for that app in a few minutes, and I suppose there is a probably a really bitter blogger guy thinking of genius ideas like this right now, that could tell his idea to those two people and sell a billion of these apps to people. But unfortunately, there is no freaking app that helps put these geniuses in one room. That’s probably a good idea though, because if you compared these people’s personalities, they would grate on each other nerves so much that their company would never get off the ground.
But at least there would have been an app that would have told them that.
Bitter Comparison Shopper Ben