Comparison Shopper

If we can do a side by comparison of TV's, why not people?

If we can do a side by comparison of TV’s, why not people?

The best thing about online shopping, other than being able to do it in your PJ’s while sitting on the couch, is the ability to compare the pricing and features of your tacky jean shorts, or a totally outdated 1080p only HD TV to a cutting edge UHD TV’s on different websites. Back in the old days, I.E. when I was young, you had to turn 14, take Driver’s Ed, fail, beg your parent’s to give you another chance, fail again, decide to just wing it, get lucky when you are not asked to parallel park, finally get your driver’s license, waste your life until you turn 30, can finally afford a big screen TV, then drive all over town to the different stores to get just the right kind of false information, to THENΒ finally make a decision.

Compare that to now, where false information can be easily obtained at the touch of a few buttons on the internet. In fact, now you can thousands of conflicting opinions from all kinds of people, from trolls who just want to make your buying decision a misery, to technonoobs that can’t even figure out how to turn the TV on, to audiophiles who will bury a TV for even the smallest sound flaw, and mix that in with the experts to even farther muddy the waters. All these things can help you make an even more ill informed choice of your purchase of a planned obsolescent product you are about get that will soon be lemonized. It’s an exciting time to live.

Exciting except that the internet doesn’t help us comparison shop for the one thing we really want to comparison shop. Other people. How are we supposed to find just the right person for us as a mate, or as a best bro, or as a sister from another mister, or as co-worker that will drive us just crazy enough that we will actually want to go home and be pathetic by eating ice cream for dinner and watching Netflix.

How are we supposed to be fully bitter, when we can’t compare our bitterness to another’s persons horribleness? Or how can we compare our vapidness with other person’s vanity? Our shallowness with other people’s arrogance? Our back stabbiness with another person’s vindictiveness?

Bitter person vs..

Bitter person vs…

...horrible person.

…horrible person.

Why can’t we comparison shop people? It just seems a little frustrating and random that we are mostly matched with people we live nearby or that happen to work in the same company as we do. I hate inspirational quotes, but even they tell us that we should compare ourselves to our future selves. So if we are allowed to compare ourselves to our future self, shouldn’t we be allowed to compare other people?

I suppose there could be an app or website for that. There is probably some really snooty mathematician girl out there that could come up with an algorithm that would help you compare people. And I’m sure there is some genius app developer the framework for that app in a few minutes, and I suppose there is a probably a really bitter blogger guy thinking of genius ideas like this right now, that could tell his idea to those two people and sell a billion of these apps to people. But unfortunately, there is no freaking app that helps put these geniuses in one room. That’s probably a good idea though, because if you compared these people’s personalities, they would grate on each other nerves so much that their company would never get off the ground.

But at least there would have been an app that would have told them that.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Comparison Shopper Ben

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24 thoughts on “Comparison Shopper

  1. azz yoozYooUhl, i have nothing relevant to add, or even/oddly subtract furrum whuddever kawMint(disin)tery which continueth.

    however, i saw a lot, too much, all of, myself in your comment “co-worker that will drive us just crazy enough that we will actually want to go home and be pathetic by eating ice cream for dinner and watching Netflix”. that, and drinking. and occasionally thinking about adding cannabis to the mix. its not frequent, yet (*) for the cannabis, but i do stop drinking (while watching Netflix) because i need some non-beer calories and go get a big bowl of ice cream mixed with crusht cookies. if this duzzn’t do the job, i’ll start in with the whiskey. sometimes this isn’t a “start” as i had a prior episode earlier in the evening, or, if i came home early enuff from work, afternoon then. so far i have avoided whiskey before noon. you might think i’m trying “to be funny” but (sadly?) enuff all the prior rambling (it doesn’t exactly qualify as “raving”, duzzit?) is mostly true. except sometimes the spouse will make a non-ice-cream dinner, which i hope she does later today because left to my own devices (whudder THAT! means) i wouldn’t eat tonight because i HAVE TO DRINK because it’s hockey night and just last week i discovered a “new” MID-GAME ENERGY DRINK (which rhymes with “que-teel-ya”).

    i also “came over” hoping to be on the “bitterlings” space but wasn’t just now. yoove suck-seedid! i’m more bitter now than i wuzz when

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    • two more things … i’m in/amungst the bitterlings again, (i must’ve gotten bitter “enuff” as XXXpresst in my prior response) and

      sigh. ;you were going on about comparison/daughter schawpeeing betwixt the varying HDTVs ‘n such. Betty has wanted to become bigger (and ostensibly better) and recently has upped the urgency of us attaining larger/betterness, especially in face of the soonedly upcoming DRYING OUT OF FUNDS. yes, as most anyone knows, the drying-up of $$$ makes bigger (and HD, also with that sound bar, or two) much more attractive. i probably will have to relent. seeing as how we’ll be eating more ice cream huddled up insighed the haus, we’ll save money by NOT trying to keep the yard up, for-going auto maintenance, expensive dog food, etc. the probability of the BITTER KWO-SCHIENT ascending into hitherto unimaginable depths (i wuzz gonna say ‘heights’) could be staggering!

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  2. As noted, you hate inspirational quotes, but have you thought of their potential use in determining bad traits of people? I mean, I’m pretty sure that at least 70% of those posted actually reflect exactly what the person posting them is not doing with his or her life. And the other 20% are likely annoying because they actually do reflect what they’re posting. As for the other 10%, no one said I was good at math. I don’t know what is going on with them.

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  3. I hate choices, esp when it’s impossible to compare them. For instance, toilet paper. Is a single-ply mega-roll equivalent to a two-ply double roll? The number of sheets is a red herring because sheet sizes can differ. Softness and sturdiness are factors as well. Throw in a coupon or promotion and I could be in the TP aisle all day trying to get the best value. I hope my TV never goes kaflooey! I don’t need an app to compare people; I’m an introvert and, in most cases, happier if I just steer clear of them. It would be interesting to know how I compare to other introverts, though. πŸ™‚

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  4. I think there is actually an app that lets people write reviews on people. I saw it on a talk show. The down side was that people could write awful things about someone and they could not have it taken off the site. Imagine you have someone who is just plain evil and they decide they don’t like you because you won’t waste your time with them. What do you think they’d write about you?
    No matter what the traits of a person are, I don’t want to be in traffic at all. πŸ™‚

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  5. Sounds like you’re proposing a dating site with reviews, expert recommendations, and of course, a comparison feature, such as is found on some vendor sites. I’d also like to see free shipping, so you don’t have to drive anywhere to pick up your date.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Not a dating site. A person website. A place where you can compare your bad traits with other people’s bad traits (or good if you must) and find out who is a really bad match for you, whether it be someone you want to date, or person you want to be in traffic with, or run into the grocery store with, or clash at work with.

      Liked by 3 people

  6. Oh I agree with what yourself. And you know when I’m shopping online, they can’t see what kind of pig I really am. That goes a long way my friend. Snorts with piggy laughter. XOXO – Bacon

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