Come siteth down in a semi circle around me in the courthouse bitizens, as I Bitterian Ben, the court bitterian, regale you with a true tale of a King’s two goats, some bitizens, and some blackberries. And when I say goat, I don’t mean G.O.A.T. as in Greatest Of All Timeth, but goat as in those filthy creatures that eateth everything. But let me noteth get too far aheadeth in the story.
One day the King wanted to travel on a boat, to restesth his weary bones on a faraway mote. He tired of sitting around and judging people all day and living off all the taxes people would pay. He had a problem though. He had two goats of his own. With no one to tend them he needed to put them on loan. He sent out a call to all through many 1’s and 0’s, in hopes of finding someone to be a hero.
One lovely bitizen, had a problem, a scourge. Her land full of blackberries that she needed to purge. Though the fruit was sweet, the sticky bushes made her very sour. She tried poisons and cutting and working many hours. Nothing worked, not even her husband, and now she had the scourge growing all over her land. A solution she needed and that right quickethly, the weeds were taking root and growing quite thickethly.
She decide to answer the king’s desperate call, though her husband wasn’t on board at all, no not at all. A week later, they had two goats with two ropes and two spikes, if posted on Facebooketh, wouldn’t get even two likes. “Are you jestering me, we’re really doing this?” the husband said, knowing full well the work that was ahead. They placed them near the blackberries in hopes that they eateth, and eateth they did, making the whole yard their treateth.
Other problems arose, the goats started bleetething, whining and complaining because the rain turned to sleetething. They needed to be moved almost hourly noweth, and the husband complained and started having a coweth. Then one goat started foaming at the mouth, and it was then they both knew how far this had gone south. Though their daughter found the goats to be such a special treateth, all the parents could feel was massive defeateth.
All over their lawn, in their shed and their house, were droppings much larger than any big mouse. Exhausted and weary, and ready to give up, the week finally ended and to the brim was filled their cup. The king came back and asked “Was there any trouble?” No, not a one they said, “Except maybe a bubble,” and by bubble I mean everything went wrong, sire. Everything about this experience gave me ire. From the moving, and pooping and sleeping in our shed, everything made me want to cut off their…beds. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken a whiffeth, but their smell makes me want to push them off a cliffeth.
Do us a favor and never ask us again, to watch these vile creatures that smell like sin. The goats had one job and couldn’t even get that right, they didn’t even eat one blackberry in sight.
Thanks for nothing goats, thanks for eating all our snacks. Here’s a lesson for all looking for a life hack. Don’t ever expect goats to solve any issues, they will only leave you with problems than can be solved with tissues.
I’m sorry this story ended in tragedy son, I’ve got 99 problems and goats are more than one.
Until next time bitizens things are getting stale, when the Court regales you with another bitter tale.
Bitter Goat of Many colors Ben