I will stare wistfully up at the sky(or become part of the clouds) for you.
I’ve been reading the Giver with my daughter because it is required reading. If you haven’t read it yet, then you need to go back to junior high again because you missed the required reading. Have fun with that by the way, the girls in your 7th grade math class are the cliquiest and they hate your hair. So just get in there, read the book really quick and get back out before your popularity plummets to its all time low. When you are done you can come back and we chat about the book, and how you need to get a haircut…soon.
So the book is about this lame Community that expects everyone do stuff and be productive by the time they are 12. Like really? Who wants a lifetime job by 12, when you should be playing video games and railing against society on Twitter? Anyways, this community has this really important job called the Receiver that no one really knows what they do. It’s basically their job to not let dangerous information get out to people like having a choice what they want to do and feelings and color. When the kid takes over, he is given the knowledge about stuff from the Giver.
So I decided that I would volunteer myself as the World’s Bitter Receiver. You probably have bitter feelings toward someone or something and either can’t admit it, or don’t want to show it and I, on the other hand, have a need to be more bitter. So I will the bitter absorber or receiver all your bitter feelings.
I will take all the bitter feelings you have buried deep in the roots and be your Groot.
Before you get all skeptical on me, just know that I’m uniquely qualified for this. I’ve always been a great receiver. When I was in elementary school is was dopest, bombest, wide receiver ever to have graced the 3rd grade that year. Many thought it was my slickery coat that made them not able to tackle me, but really it was amazing ability to not want to be near other people that made me almost untackleable.
So, if you got a really bad gift and don’t want the giver to know how bitter you are about it, send your bitterness my way.
If you have been wronged by an old enemy, don’t plot out your revenge. Let me take the bitterness and I will be able to plot a much greater revenge for you.
If you were the next in line for the millionth customer contest that would have given you the million dollars, send that bitterness my way. As an expert of bitterness, I will easily be able to take that off your hands.
I’m available for anything from your first girl crush gone awry to being left at the alter on live TV in front of millions (get my number on speed dial, Chris Harrison) .
Anything from losing that first penny from your piggybank, to losing your winning lottery ticket to your bitterest rival on the way to the lottery office.
Did you get fired by your partner at the lemonade stand? Not as sweet a job as you were expecting?
Anything from getting fired by your lemonade stand partner to losing your dream job as bed tester for hotels because someone sleeps better than you.
Anything from skinning your knee, to getting struck by a meteor on the way to Hawaii.
I’m also available for taking blame. If you want an excuse for not getting a job done, blame me. Think you studied really hard and missed the cutoff by one question? Forget to take out the trash, or do the dishes, or lose a valuable ring down the drain? Already given up on your New Year’s Resolutions? Don’t rail your fists against the sky and blame the universe, be more specific and blame Bitter Ben.
Let’s just say this works out for all of us. You finally get to make excuses and I get your bitterness.
So what bitterness do you have that I can receive from you?
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Receiver Ben