Friends, Family and other Bitter People I know:
This year was so exciting, I almost forgot to send out my Christmas Letter. I know you guys aren’t my family, but you ignore me just as much as my family does, so I consider you just like them. I couldn’t afford postage to send this to you, so I’m just going write this and hope that you and my family realize I’m not sending it to you.
On Tuesday, January 8th, while laying on the couch, I noticed a speck of dust on the ceiling. I tried to swipe it off for my dust collection, but it got lost in the carpet. I officially gave up on the year 2015.
On February 17th, I started chewing a piece of gum. It lasted a few minutes, then it wasn’t so sweet so I spit it out.
The gum got stale.
On March 14th, I realized that this day suucked, so to spice it up, I went to get some Cheetos out of the vending machine, but they were out.
On April 6th, one of my Christmas lights went out, so I finally decided to take them down, but the tape was to strong, so I just left them there.
On May 13th, one of my pens ran out of ink. I went to the storage room and got another pen.
I hate when they run out so quickly.
On June 9th, the sun appeared for the first time of the year, so of course I had to complain that it got in my eyes.
On July 15th, I saw a raccoon. On July 16th, I saw the same one, but this time he(she?) wasn’t moving.
On August 24th, I had a soda. It gave me a stomach ache and heart burn. Just like it had done for the last 42 years. On a completely unrelated note, someone told me, “Someday you will learn.”
On September 3rd, I was at Target and looked through the video game section. All of the games sucked, so I didn’t buy one.
On October 31st, it was raining outside. I thought I saw a ghost. Some strange kid came to my door and asked if I could play a trick on them. I couldn’t think of one, so I told him maybe another time…not.
On November 27th, I got a hole in my sock, so I went to Wal-Mart at midnight. A bunch of people were waiting in line there. I guess a lot of people got holes in their socks too, so I decided to leave. On the way out, I found a penny in the parking lot. Bunch of suckers missed out on a penny, even though a haypenny would have done just fine.
On December 18th, I was at the movie theater to see the Chipmunks Road Chip with my kids. I was amazed that so many people dressed up like Star Wars characters to see a Chipmunks movie.
People dressed up just like this for the Chipmunks movie.
And those were just the Blockbuster VHS Moments. There were other things that happened too, but I don’t want you to get so overly excited that you have a heart attack. Maybe just a bit of slight heart burn for the holidays though. Have a Bitter Christmas and an even the Bitterer New Year.
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Christmas Letter Ben