Bitterness for me has always been a gift. It started at such a young age, that it was my first memory. Before I could walk or talk or even babble, I remember the first time I was bitter. I was chilling in my mom’s stomach for about nine months, rent free, warm, posing for pictures every once in a while, you know, lifestyles of the young and famous. Then, all of a sudden she decides to kick me out, without notice or reason into the cold. I remember just screaming, “Whhhhaaaaatttt is up with this!” “It is so brrrrrrriiiiiigggghhhhtttt and cold out here!” “Hooooooooowwwww could you do this to meeeeeee!” They put me in some crappy hospital blanket and then cut my food supply off. “What’s next? You gooooonnnna throw me out in the street?” Then my mom and dad had the gall to smile at me, like I was happy to be out. Ever since that day, I’ve been bitter. About being here, about getting kicked out.
Since then, I’ve expanded my bitterness to other people besides my parents. My parents got so tired of me using the screaming and crying way of communication that they tried to teach me how to speak. So words became a way to express my bitterness. At first, people found it charming that I would say, “You’re a poopy head!” and “Leave me alone, I’m brooding!”, but people didn’t find it as charming when I graduated from high school. So I had to learn new ways of communicating with people that would show them my bitterness.
While not everyone is smart enough to figure out how bitter I am without me telling them the exact reason I am bitter, most people can pick up on these favorites of mine.
The Aggressive Sigh. This technique is subtle, but a favorite of mine. It works best when it is pretty quiet, and a boss or co-worker is walking by, that knows that they make you bitter all the time. This isn’t just a typical sigh, where you are just expressing bitterness to yourself, but a really loud, almost condescending tone that shows that a task has been assigned to you that makes no sense, is completely innane or stupid, or if you have all kinds of work when all your co-workers and standing around gossiping like they’ve never had an assignment to do ever.
The Death Stare. This one takes a lot of practice for some people. If you are born with a natural smile and pleasant looking face, this will take some work. You will need to get into a fight that messes up your face or own a cat in sub zero temperatures that continually wants to go out into the cold, but when you open the door it freezes up because it can’t stand to go out. This cycle will continue all night. The stare will move naturally from the cat to humans who will ask for a report, get it, then tell you they didn’t need it. That cycle will also continue.
Eye roll. A correctly used eye roll is hard to pull off. It requires just the right amount of movement of the eye from the center position to either the high right or high left of your eyelids. The key to the eye roll is timing. It must be seen by the recipient of your bitter rage. But it must be just as they are walking away and it should only be in their peripheral vision. It must create a sense of “Was that guy just rolling his eyes at the stupid thing I just said?” but enough to create reasonable doubt that they were just seeing things. Also, remember that a left eye roll is for stupid things said and a right eye roll is for useless things. To really emphasize an eye roll, a subtle headshake will really bring your point home.
Aggressive downward look. This is when you get extra bitter at someone. It must be someone that your normally at least give a passing glaze at. This should also be someone who “thinks” somehow that you are friends or even aquaintances. This one has to be when you and your victim are the only ones in a longish hallway. It is a gutsy move, because common courtesy(I’m gonna have to speak to this common courtesy person) is that you at least acknowledge the existence of others in a one on one hallway situation. Be brave in your bitterness and remain strong. Don’t make eye contact with this person even once. Just as the moment seems right to nod your head, say hi or at least look at this person, aggressively thrust your head down to the ground. The best results are if the person awkwardly says hi, or tries to nod when you can’t see them. It will cause them confusion and question why they ever messed with you.
Pounding keyboards. Obviously this one only works when you are at a keyboard, but will work on a phone in a pinch. When your boss, co-worker, family members or parole officer has assigned you with a difficult task like sending an email, taking out the trash, or remaining under house arrest, you can show your displeasure by finding the nearest keyboard, and pounding on it. For realism’s sake, you can have a computer monitor attached to the keyboard, or better yet, something on the monitor that suggests you are actually typing the aggressive thing that you want to say. This one works the best when the rest of the areas is quiet and is combined with the Death Stare, Aggressive Sighs, and Eye Roll techniques.
I know that you will never master the techniques I have spent a lifetime perfecting, but these tips and tricks will deliver you the results you want it show your passive aggressive rage to all the idiots in your life. And if they aren’t working, I encourage you to give up. Because you are lame and practice will not make perfect.
Bitter Sighs 12 Ben