Bitter Fluorescent Fights

One of the other scourges besides Justin Beiber.

One of the other scourges besides Justin Beiber.

There have been lots of scourges in this world.  Tornadoes, hurricanes, Godzilla, earthquakes, Justin Beiber, trillion dollars debts, Donald Trump, Donald Trump’s hair and even the summer holiday drought.  But there is a secret scourge that hides in the shadows.  One that haunts us everyday at work, in public buildings, in old dusty outhouses, in jails and even dark alleyways.  Every day, in the worst years, in the worst days, worst hours and worst moments,  this semi-silent menace to society haunts us at our lowest points; it is there for all our darkest  internal tragedies.

This isn’t just any light.  This is the fluorescent light.  If you don’t believe me, just go and try to spell the word fluorescent without the aid of this post, Google or watching the National Spelling Bee(I sure couldn’t).  It just isn’t spelled right.

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Don’t even think about it.

 

Fluorescent lights have always been there for me…in sickness and in non-health, forsaking me and all others, till death do they part(actually they last past my death)  They were there for my first nicked up, bloody shave. They were for my first, second, third, and every last zit.  They were there for me when my dentist drilled my first cavity.  They are there in the morning, rushing its unhealthy and unnatural light directly to my sad, vulnerable eyeballs.  There are there at night, tucking my bad self esteem into bed.  They were for my first lost hair, my first ear hair, my first grey hair. They have been my  worst critic, stealing away every good thought I have of myself, there to over emphasize my every flaw.

The Fluorescent light bulb was there to shatter my confidence for my first day of school, there to ruin my first date,  there to ruin homecoming and prom, there on my first day of college, and my first day on the job.

The Fluorescent light bulb is there in every dark corner, every dark alleyway, every barely lit jail, every insane asylum I’ve visited.  Blinking like a liar being interviewed by Barbara Walters.  Blinking like the television on the its last few seconds of life.

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The lovely buzzing and blinking afterglow of the amazing fluorescent light bulb.

Buzzing like a mosquito hopped up on too much sugar.  Buzzing louder than TMZ when a Kardashian scandal breaks. Buzzing louder than the movie industry around Oscar time.  Buzzing like a busy bee, bitterly basking in its barricade.  Buzzing like a light sabre fight between Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, Yoda, Count Dooku, The Emperor, Darth Maul, and Obi Wan Kenobi.

And as much as they could be the foundation of a great light sabre fight, they lack two very essential elements that make a great light sabre.  They only produce light when plugged in, and they break at the slightest touch.

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I present to you the useless light sabre fight, brought to you proudly by fluorescent bulbs.

 

And instead of helping the hero in his quest to track down the villain, it only serves to make the villain more menacing. How can the Dark Knight be the Dark Knight, when the glowing buzz of the light keeps blinking?

This menacing Joker shot brought to you by Fluorescent bulb.

This menacing Joker shot brought to you by fluorescent bulb.

Menaces will come and go, but fluorescent light bulbs will always be there for you.  Whenever you want to feel bitter.

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Fluorescent Ben

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28 thoughts on “Bitter Fluorescent Fights

  1. And then there’s the bitter act of having to RECYCLE when the fluorescents die. (I CAN’T **BELIEVE** THE “U’ COMES FIRST IN THAT WORD!)

    I’d like to thank you for this post, as I always thought the worst thing about public school buildings was the painted cinder block walls, but I think with good lighting, even THOSE wouldn’t look so awful.

    Thanks for the work break.

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  2. In Italy we had Silvio Berlusconi and his salacious Bunga-Bunga parties that he regularly organized between one political gaffe and another in order to inflate his huge ego and lust, and that for a nation is much worse than the Godzilla, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, fluorescent lights and even Justin Bieber.

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  3. Regarding fluorescent tubes:
    When we were in college (i.e., drinking school) a friend and I found that we could amuse the stoners by holding onto the ends of fluorescent tubes and shufflling our feet to produce static electricity. The tubes would glow and flicker, and the stoners would say things like, “Whoa. Dude. That’s awesome.”

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  4. Right off the bat I immediately thought “high school” and now I’m having painful flashbacks. No one asked for these flashbacks… No one wants to remember me trying to attempt science classes… America is not pleased.

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    • The flashbacks to high school are bad. The hair, the terrible awkward crushes, the bad school lunches, and science. No one wants to have to do freshman science a third time. Hopefully you can turn America around with some funny stand up, or perhaps some good Buzzfeed?

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      • I think my large file folder of posts shitting on BuzzFeed may have shot that job for me, but I sometimes do dream about doing standup about how terrible my high school was just to level their smug asses. Did you know that instead of learning about sex ed you can watch your elderly health teacher do yoga while Googling pictures of gonorrhea?

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        • Another dream that might almost come true! Doing stand up about your old school teachers! I dream of doing stand up about my co-workers and customers that I hate! And also doing a whole book with sentences that only end in exclamation marks!

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        • I like to write really troll-y things where everything ends in insane amounts of exclamation points but other than that I don’t really like using punctuation aside from periods at the ends of sentences so when I text my friends/family my texts come off as emotionless statements of indifference that are really confusing because they run on and on and no one really know where one thought ends and another begins apple

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  5. That buzzing, pulsing light when you’re supposed to make a speech and suddenly you have no words… yep that buzzing sure fills the silence well.

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    • Only the one I was in for a while. Actually none. But I’ve seen movies with them. There was the Island one with Leonardo DeCaprio and there was Sucker Punch, and also the classic Accepted where they made a fake college out of one. I just have so much experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Yep, the first thing I thought of were school dances. When you finally get to dance to “Stairway to Heaven” with the person you like, and it ends with the damn fluorescent lights turning on, and then the person you danced with realizes who you are…

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