I know this is a controversial subject, but when have I ever shied away from controversial subjects? All the time, you say? Well, yeah I guess you are correct. It bothers me when people are so proud of their accomplishments that they do in the early morning without a little coffee. Just today, I overheard a co-worker bragging that he accomplished something at 8 am without the aid of his coffee. I’m like, I accomplish more bitterness by 6 am than most people even attempt all day.
If I was coffee.
So let’s get a little controversial today. I don’t drink coffee. Never have, never will. I honestly don’t think many people like the taste of it (so few actually drink it black), but they more adore the way it perks them up in the morning. A vast majority of people add creams and foams and sugar and candy and ice and everything but the kitchen candy store. I’m probably wrong about the reason people drink it, but don’t really care. Maybe there is someone out there who really does like the flavor of straight up coffee, but I’ve tried the really strong chocolate that is made from the cocoa bean and it’s not good. I don’t even like the smell of coffee. I know I’m in the 1% of people in this country (and especially in this city) that don’t drink coffee. So send the hate mail. Coffee is as bitter as I am.
Maybe if they talked and cleaned up after themselves. Then again, too much talking…
Here’s another I will probably get hate mail for. I don’t like pets. My kids have begged for years to get them one and this is one of the few stands I have taken against them. They have tried every technique. The doe eyes, the whine, the pout, the “I promise I will take care of them every day and feed them and…” and no you won’t. The dad always ends up walking them or letting them out or cleaning the cage, and paying for the expensive organic, grain fed food, made of duck and salmon food. And cleaning up after them. And getting rid of the hair everywhere. If they can’t even clean up the darts after a Nerf war, do you think they are going to clean something stinky? And enough with the PetCo commercials calling real people “Pet Parents”. I’m sorry but unless you are cat yourself, you are not a pet parent. I’m sorry. And don’t tell me it’s because I’ve never had a pet before. I had both a dog and a cat growing up. I know your all love your pets, but it’s probably because you’ve gone nose blind, just like I have to my own scent.
Father’s day. I never really understand the bitterness people had for Father’s Day until a few years ago I was sarcastically answering a tweet from one of my followers that just happened to have had a total stranger tagged on the tweet that I answered. The moment I made the indication that Father’s Day was a good day(because, you know, I am one) she tore me a new hole in my head. Ripping into every fiber of my bitter soul. Luckily, I have no soul because I’m a father, but I had no idea how little it took to incense someone who didn’t have love for Father’s Day. On top of that? I wrote a post two years ago, called Father’s Day Bitterness for Me, and it got more views for the title than my 2015 one for my tribute to my dad. So to all those offended by fathers, I’m really sorry for being a good one to my kids.
Yeah dads!
I don’t love football. I don’t spend my whole year watching football, reading about football, betting on football, participating in fantasy leagues and honestly I only really watch the SuperBowl for the commercials. I know it is the most popular sport in the US by far, but I just don’t get all the love for it. I grew up in South Dakota. We don’t have a football team there. I went to two colleges, one which was a junior college, which had a team, but didn’t really measure on a national scale and the other one didn’t have one at all. And to me there are so many complicated plays, different positions, who I am only learning what they are supposed to do, etc and did you realize that only about 15 minutes out of an actual 60 minute game there is actually action? There may be a lot of flaws in basketball, but at least they are moving most of the game.
Can we just move on?
Kids. I have very little love for kids. I have two of them, which I like most of the time, when they aren’t being whiny and obnoxious. But other’s people’s kids? No, I don’t really want to hold your baby. No, I don’t want to watch your kids for free. No, I don’t have an open door policy to the neighborhood kids, even though apparently they think I do. People in general are the worst, but when they are kids and they don’t really understand manners or that fact that I don’t want their germs or to clean up after them or to feed them, kids are just miniature versions of really rude, arrogant, loud, non-stop talking, irresponsible, never ending spending, self-centered adults. You know, the kind of adults I like least.
Sounds good to me.
So, yeah. Clearly I needed to wake up this morning and since I don’t drink coffee, I have to wake up with a little controversy this morning instead. Can’t wait to hear all the bitter comments! Or all the silence (which I actually prefer more!)
ARRRRGGGHHHH
Controversilly Bitter Ben