I’m blogging to you from the Bitter Past

Too legit to quit.

I’m coming to you live from the cruise ship. Cause I’m too legit to quit. 

Hello Bitter Blog Followers.  It is I, Bitter Ben, and I come to you from the Past, because when you read this, I will be soaking in the darkness and bitterness of the moonlight on a cruise ship.  I am obviously complaining to some poor, sad ship worker about something bitter or another and trying to hunt down Mickey Mouse for all the bitterness he has caused me in my life, from waiting in long lines to overpricing all his merch, to providing the highest of expectations of “The Greatest Place on Earth” and underdelivering every time.  To explain this to the slow, I am actually writing this before vacation, and then using some real WordPress magic, as opposed to fake “Disney magic” to transport this post into a future date.  So just so you know, though Disney has more money making ability in its Empire, the WordPress Empire(23% of the web is powered by WordPress) has more practical magic.

This post is to explain that you will be not hearing from me for a week and a half.  I know that is inducing a lot of clapping all across the 23% of the web using WordPress right now, but don’t get too excited quite yet.  I will be having some very bitter Guest Posters covering for me.  Though they aren’t near as bitter as me overall, they do have a lot to offer in some specific bitter ways, and also some are bitter in more broad ways.  Regardless, you will be bittertained.  In fact, after having read all the guest posts presented to me, I imagine that most of you will probably defect to these other blogs, and I will probably return to find my blog as empty as a MySpace Fan Convention.  Also, just because they are substitute teachers, doesn’t mean you should treat them as so.  They will be reporting back to me after this is all over and if I hear any word that you have been anything but bitter about their posts, there will be a Bitter Reckoning.

You're scared now aren't you?

You’re scared now aren’t you?

Speaking of Reckoning, I assume that the Ship of The Mouse will probably not be too pleased to hear all my bitterness, as I don’t think it is allowed there.  So if you hear of a bitter blogger thrown over a cruise ship on the news, you know that is me.  Assume that I will either be lost at sea forever, eaten by sharks, or lost in the Bermuda triangle.  If you do sea(get it?) that, go ahead and contact my family and tell them my WordPress password, and keep sending in Guest Posts to them until my daughter reaches the right age to take over the bitter blog.  If Disney doesn’t throw me over, I will be back Thursday the 17th, and I’m sure I will not be feeling it that day and not want to post anything.  Regardless, I’ll be back and with a bitter vengeance…sometime.

I thought the Carib was supposed to be warm.

I thought the Carib was supposed to be warm.

Until then, I will be having scouts watching you, and…enjoy the time you have away from me.  It will probably be your least bitter time for a while.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH of the SEA

Bitter Crusin Ben

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38 thoughts on “I’m blogging to you from the Bitter Past

  1. Watch the sea for there under the currents is a world that can be very bitter. Do the fish taste the meat of fish? Are there any veggie fish? Do fish use sea salt for condiments? Can fish be bitter?

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  2. I’m not scared. See, I’m sticking my tongue out because your back is turned and I am ready to give out wormy apples and put the stapler in a jello mold. See if I care. What are you going to do? Suspend me? Give me detention?? Oooh, I’m shaking!!

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  3. I feel extremely bitter that you used the term “merch.” IT’S MERCHANDISE, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! Shortening words is a breezy, chipper, annoying, young, UNBITTER thing to do (to show how inappropriate that is, my computer seems to feel that “unbitter” is not a word) (neither is “merch” now that I mention it). It is not worthy of you. Hang your head in shame.

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  4. Oh, oh, now I am bitter! The Bitterest man on the internet simply cannot take a cruise to the happiest place on Earth! That is just all wrong. This is great offense. Also, am I the only one that never, never gets to take a vacation??

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