A community of Bitter People.
I am a huge fan of Community. Not the people in my community, or going to community events or community gatherings. That requires people skills and being a grown up, both skills which I choose not to have. I’m talking about the former NBC show that was so highly rated that it became a Yahoo Screen show (yes, you know the Yahoo equivalent Netflix or Hulu, except no one has heard of it). The show that is about people that are so sarcastic and bitter that only the elite bitter among us get it. Jeff Winger is the like the richer, more handsome, funnier, smarter version of me. He cares not what you think and just wants people to leave him alone.
Other than Jeff, my favorite character is Troy Barnes, the other half of the best friend combo of Troy and Abed. He is naive, funny and in one episode has a falling out with Abed so intense that it has to be settled on the battleground of the Pillow Forties vs. and Blanket Forties. (Who said the Fourties were so bad?) In real life, he is played by Donald Glover, who also plays a rapper called Childish Gambino, which he came up with using, no lie(according to Wikipedia, which does not lie), a Wu-Tang Clan name generator. I should probably change my name using that thing, when I get a chance to see what it is.
One of titles of Childish Gambino’s songs, is Life: The Biggest Troll. I know it was a stretch to get here by this long intro, but here we are. The internet has created things that never could have been conceived of, but internet trolls are one of the worst. But without the internet, these trolls would still exist. Just in real life.
Here are just a few that I will share with you. Then at the end of class, you can comment and tell me your favorite internet trolls that have invaded your real life.
First graders – How in the heck did these guys become smarter than me? Not at math, because I could totally destroy them at long division, but in real world useful things, like knowing who the internet trolls are. I asked my first grader last night what a troll was and he educated me on the subject like he had written his master’s thesis on it. He sited examples, “Well, there in Minecraft there is M3rkMUS1c40 and there is GBTRollSkillz. They are always spawning Zombies, and pushing people off tall buildings.” Me: “Oh yeah. So you’ve seen that on YouTube.com?” and he’s like, “Dad, you don’t have to call it YouTube.com, just YouTube.” Well, he taught me.
Birds – Okay dude. Birds. You know they have places to poop just like us, right? Birdbaths, forests, other places that aren’t me. You know they can control when they do it right? Just like we can? Yet, on an almost daily basis they leave it on my car. Or on my lawn. Or on my face. Not all birds do it, just the troll birds. And talk about show offs when it comes to flying. They sit there in the road, right in from of our cars, making us think that we are going to hit them, so we hit the brakes, just before we hit them, and then they fly off at the last second like they don’t have a care in the world.
The DMV – They know you need a license in order to drive your beat up stupid car. They know that the only day you can get your license is on Saturday. They know that you like to sleep in on Saturday. So they set up the DMV like a Black Friday sale, but without the chance of a stupidly low price on a TV, or a six pack of socks. The only prize is waiting with other bitter people just like yourself who waited until the last minute. They give the least amount of customer service possible, because what are you going to do? Get them fired? They work for the government, and they hold a really bad picture with your most important document in their hands. Don’t mess with these trolls.
Troll Bridges – Some people call them Toll Bridges, but honestly a troll probably does live under there and well, he demands to be paid. They say it is for the necessary construction so the bridge doesn’t collapse into the sea, but those were supposed to be paid for by that gas tax increase we paid years ago. And also that food tax we paid for the year before and the tax on our cars and the tax on our houses. I guess they just gave all that money to the troll under the bridge. So he could make Troll House Cookies?
Made by trolls on the bridge, or the internet.
Nestles Troll House Cookies – I used to think these tasted good, until I heard they were made by the trolls under the bridge and those aren’t really chocolate chips.
Lay’s Potato chips – According to the press release they made a while ago, “Bet you can’t just eat one.” Maybe that was true a while ago, when they just had the regular flavor. But then they did a contest called Do us a Flavor, where people got to submit their favorites and then they actually used them. They are totally trolling us with flavors like Wasabi Ginger (a Wasabi without a soul I guess), Cappuccino and Chicken and Waffles. Yes, I can just eat one of those.
Yes, give me just one.
Alright, your turn. What are some internet trolls that came to life for you?
ARRRRGGGHHHH
Bitterly Trolled Ben