Storage Unit Bitterness

"I know how to fix it!" Get a new one!

“I know how to fix it!” Get a new one!

There is the younger and shorter individual in my house that has a philosophy about junk that is broken.  You take all the hard earned money of someone else, preferably someone taller and older and you brow beat them into submission until they buy you a new one.  If I did happen to like trees and I took a tiny speck of gold from a piece of jewelry made of a speck of gold and buried it the backyard and if that tree were nurtured by rain (which we have plenty) and didn’t need too much sun (which we have very little of) and if that tree grew to maturity (which I have none of), and if that tree grew branches that had leaves, and if those leaves were made of solid gold bricks, and if those solid gold bricks could then be made into seeds that would produce more solid gold trees, which could then be converted into solid green $100’s, then the younger and shorter person that lives in my house would have a solid philosophy.  But since we don’t have one of those things yet, we have to find a bitter way to deal with junk.


This is what you waste every month on your storage unit.

Some EPA philosopher decided the “replace with new” idea wouldn’t work for everyone, so they came up with a “clever way” to deal with junk by giving us three words that started with R’s.   Reduce, reuse, recycle.  That was too many letters for me, so I decided to come up with my own philosophy. Obtain a storage unit, and put all the junk somewhere else.  This is a much more efficient, creative and lazy adult way to waste money. You only waste $50 a month, you can go into denial about thinking you may need an item by storing it away(out of sight, out of mind) and someday, if you are lucky, your locker may appear on a reality show, where you can be embarrassed in front a maybe a million or more people(plus repeats).

It’s a win win win win proposition.  You get to continually pay $50 a month for the rest of your life to store things you will never need again. There is a peace of mind knowing that you could have spent that money on something way more valuable like a potato gun for your next white elephant exchange, a foam finger, dance lessons on groupon that you will never actually use, or $50 a month on your 401K that you will waste at a later date.

This is what people hope is in the safe in your storage unit.

This is what people hope is in the safe in your storage unit.

Then, there is the satisfaction of knowing that someday, you will lose the locker, because of not paying for it for several months.  Then, you get the satisfaction that some idiots on a reality show will that buy your “locker” for several thousand dollars more than they should have, because they saw something in the corner, a safe, that had nothing in it.  But they didn’t know that.  Your idiocy of buying a $1500 safe without having anything of actual value to put in the safe, has prepared you for this moment.  A moment on national TV, where the bidder had to admit they were taken by the hope of the safe, and at the end of the show, in the summary, they were the big loser, because they banked on your storage unit.

The best part of all though, is telling that shorter, younger individual that you couldn’t afford to buy a new Nerf gun because you only have $50 at the end of the month and you haven’t paid your monthly storage unit fee.  He doesn’t need to know that you haven’t been paying that for months and it has been seized and your storage unit is now in the possession of a reality show guy that is getting mad about it right now.  All he needs to know is that we don’t have enough money for the Nerf Gun.  He also doesn’t need to know that I will be buying a new $50 video game that will be in our future storage unit.

Make me your second place! (or first loser)

Make me your second place! (or first loser)

Remember to visit the Weblog Award Page and help me meet my goal of second place finish in the 2015 Weblog of the Year. A VOTE FOR ME WILL BE ONE STORED IN YOUR STORAGE UNIT OF FAVORS I WILL NOT PAY YOU BACK FOR.


Bitter Storage Ben


58 thoughts on “Storage Unit Bitterness

  1. I have the perfect religion for you: Zoloftarian. Worship of Zoloft, God of Tranquility. I worship it every day. Weeeeeeeee. I do the Eucharist as well, with Cabernet. The combination is . . . heavenly!


  2. In another life I would be one of those offering ot help you with sorting. I’m too busy drowning in social media. 🙂 Loved this post and definitely voted. good luck! If there is a prize you can put it in the storage locker.


  3. I stored garbage in a storage unit once cause I was too lazy to drag the Damn dumpster to the street every week. Bit then, I must not be too lazy if I’m willing to work and pile my crap in a stinky storage unit. Hmmm I probably should’ve thought about this comment before I wrote it but I’ll submit anyways.


  4. As someone who loves to organize, I’d like nothing better than to go with you to that storage unit (on a sunny day); make 3 piles: 1 to trash, 1 to recycle and 1 to keep; absorb the KEEP pile into your own home and then save you the $50/month so you could buy even MORE video games.

    Hi, Ben!


  5. Speaking of video games . . .
    Are you planning on getting Borderlands for XBox One? Or are you just going to leave it? Have you beaten those two yet?
    I really wish they would’ve redone the first one as well. I decided I really don’t care much for the Presequel. 😦


  6. Yeah, dude, that is totally awesome. I read the whole thing out loud to the family at the breakfast table. I’ll be back, bro. Great stuff.


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