There are like a thousand different languages being spoken every day. In my office alone, there is English, Spanish, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean, sarcasm, Texas drawl and the one I speak, Bitterness. Those are just the ones that I can think of. There is also the written languages that can be easily misinterpreted like email, texting, tweeting, Facebooking and LOLing(whatever that means). With so many rules, dialects and tones that come along with each of those languages as well as the the non-verbal language that I excel at, it is a miracle that we don’t misunderstand each other more. Though some days, it seems like two dogs sniffing each other’s bitter ends understand each other more than humans do. I watch the news and I don’t understand half the things they are talking about. I try to help my son do his first grade math and there is just a huge red question mark above my head. He usually has to explain it to me.
On the other hand, I speak a language called Bitter, with the sarcastic undertones and with a passive aggressive dialect. Most people have no clue what I am saying. I could use the right bitter tone, I could tell them I was kidding, I could even use the commonly known sarcastifont on an email and some people I know still wouldn’t get it. As the leading expert in the language of Bitter with sarcastic undertones and passive aggressive dialect, I thought about doing one of those translation dictionaries (a Bitter-Rest of the World Dictionary) to help explain my very specific language to most of the rest of you, but I am of course, really lazy. I have neither the time (laying on the couch takes a lot of my precious hours) nor the energy (again, most energy is devoted to not doing things).
I do have a moment to lay here and type up a few phrases that I use and how they should be translated correctly.
When making small talk, I might say, “Wow that’s really funny! (Add in awkward chuckle.)” Translation: “You are so unfunny, that laughing hyena’s had to be renamed Grumpy Cat.”
In a conversation I might say, “It’s really nice to meet you.” Translation: “I hope we never talk again and the memory of meeting you is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mined from my mind.”
You might say “Hi.” to me and I would say back to you, “Hi.” Translation: “You are the worst. For saying that word to me, you have forced me to know say hi back to you. I hope you get caught in a bathroom stall while the all three toilets are overflowing.”
You might say, “Wow, it’s really hot outside today, huh?” and I would say, “Yeah.” Translation: “Are we really talking about the weather? I hope I faint and do a Rumpelstiltskin on you, because falling asleep for 20 years would be more interesting than talking about the weather with you.”
You might say,”How was your weekend?” I would say, “It was fine.” Translation: “I spent all weekend doing my best to forget you in the hopes that you wouldn’t be here today and ask me how my weekend was. Clearly, getting amnesia still wasn’t enough to get you to forget about me and here I am talking about my weekend with you. Leave, now!”
You might say, “Hey, I know you are really busy, but could you help me with something really quick?” I say, “Actually, I was just headed to lunch. But when I get back, sure.” Translation: “You better pray that you forget that you ever asked me to do anything for you ever. After all I’ve already done for you (showed up to work), so help me if you remember that I said I would help you, I will get Voldemort himself to cast the Cruciatus Curse upon you until you never bother me again.”
You might say, “Hey, we’ll talk to you later!” and I would say, “Okay,” Translation: “Nope. I will go full on James Bond meets John McClane meets Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to make sure we never talk again. I will spend 20 hours painting my self in cubicle colored camouflage just to hide from you.”
While there are many more phrases that you would have learned had I had any sort of ambition to make the Bitter-Rest of the World Dictionary, you guys just can’t pay me enough money to do one. Translation: “This is a stick up! Get down on the ground and throw down all your passwords and bank account numbers, or your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram account will be highjacked!”
Besides, I’ve always been about miscommunication, disharmony and discord, and translating all my words for you would create some sort of way for you weirdos to “come together for a common cause,” and we just can’t have that.
Bitter Translatador Ben