…but there is no way I’m asking for directions.
Because I am a bitter man and a stubborn person, I would much more prefer to get lost on my way somewhere than to ever ask someone for instructions. I have wandered the streets of downtown Seattle aimlessly for hours, got lost in the mountains overnight and even got lost on my way from the TV room to the kitchen. Maybe there is no excuse for me to get lost in the mountains overnight, but the others ones…totally acceptable. There is never a reason to ask someone else for directions. How many times did someone force me to ask for directions and I got more lost than I originally was? I’d rather trust my really bad gut instinct than trust even the most trustworthy, mapmaker or professional gas station direction giver, because I know that if I got lost, then I got lost on my own terms. Point being, I’ve completely lost all of you, so let’s just get to the lost post of this week.
I actually completed this post, but it was for a guest post long ago for someone and it never got published on this site. It’s been a long time since I wrote this one, and I’m not rereading it because I’m lazy. So it is probably a jumbled mess just like my other posts. Regardless, read below…if you dare. Cue Agent Smith laughing gif…MUHAHAHAHAHAH!
MUAHAHAH!
Million Dollar Room Bitterness
Not just million dollar houses, Million Dollar rooms.
Let me just tell you a little about me. I am what a PC (politically correct, not personal computer) type person would call economically challenged. However, if you are like me and are okay with just calling something like it is, you can just call me not rich. As one of the 99% of this country, I enjoy some of the less fine things in life. While I do have a house, and a car, and a television, some of the most important things that I am in need of have slipped carefully through my fingers. I don’t ask for much really. Just a room that has insulation or a heat source and a toilet that flushes every time.
HGTV, TLC, Garden Television. They are all the same. It was one of these.
That is why, when I discovered a show on TLC (or one of those home remodel or improvement channels) called Million Dollar Rooms, I felt like I could relate. These people struggled just like me when building these innovative rooms. For example, one of them was talking about how they had to struggle to find a rare type of mosaic tile that was only found in a Mongolian mountain top. Though they didn’t have to climb the mountain, it was an uphill struggle to call their assistant to call their general contractor to call the store in Mongolia to have a person climb the mountain. Then there was the wait of approximately 3-4 days for them to ship that over to their home. I mean if this guy can wait for that excruciating amount of time to get the mosaic tile from Mongolia that will line his 40 foot ceiling I can, then surely I wait a couple of months to have my ceiling to be scraped of my absbestos laced popcorn. What a shining example (like the shiny abestos all over our house) to us all.
Not the rare tile of Mongolia. But close enough example of the lengths that people will go to fill that empty space on their ceilings and thus filling their hearts.
There was another go getter who had a garage problem. He only had a 50,000 square foot home, but he wanted a place to store his collection of 100+ vintage cars that were worth $100 grand or more. This guy didn’t mope around the house and wait for something to happen. He got to work using his good old fashioned brain and came up with the idea of calling someone. He thought outside the box and decided that he would have someone create a cave, much like Batman, where he could store his cars underground! What innovative thinking! He didn’t stop there though. He made sure that there was a hydrolic lift that acted like an elevator for his cars. Here I was thinking he would have to park them outside and risk exposing them to an element (a ray of sun or a drop of rain), but no. This guy simply refused to allow his cars to be treated that way. If someone was going to cover him with an umbrella when it rained, he was going to make sure his cars would be treated the same.
A garage for those that don’t have enough space to store their vintage car collections in their living rooms.
Finally there was a third person, struggling to survive on only $300 million per year. He had a large family of four that were dying …of boredom. They had struggled long enough eating out in 5 star restaurants and staying in the painfully low end of the luxury 5 star hotels, which affored them only the most boring of luxury pools. The man couldn’t look at the apethy in his children’s eyes anymore. So he explained how his children would not have to go to the ends of the earth to find the most luxirous pool. He would not only build the world’s largest pool, but he would build his kids an ocean. He faced scathing criticism from his fellow 1%ers about how his ocean was not even half the size of the Pacific Ocean like most of theirs were, but he proceeded against all odds to build an ocean that not only his kids and wife would be proud of, but his father too. It was the internal need to please his father that gave him the strength to include in his ocean not only animals of all kind, but to make sure that it was salt free, so when his kids surfed they would have to taste the nasty salty taste. His kids would suffer not suffer in mere pools anymore. They would have their own ocean.
Though this looks eerily like the Pacific Ocean near Hawaii, it is actually just a man made ocean by a guy with a dream…to please his kids and his father.
I want to say that I am pretty bitter about myself because I have not suffered like these people for their homes and their dreams. Perhaps one day, when I want my home to be better badly enough, I will fight like these people did for their dream homes. In the meantime, I will just deal with my drafty windows letting in the cold air.
Arrrgghhh
Bitter Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
omggggg ui so lve youmn
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OOOkkkaay, III ssee wwwhat youu meannn.
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My husband shares your bitterness about asking for directions.
As for the million dollar rooms, I have a cousin who I was close to growing up. A year ago, I saw him in town before he could pretend he didn’t see me and run away. He showed me photos of his new home that is still under construction. One was of his million dollar ballroom. The sun was shining on his cell phone so that I couldn’t see a thing. Did I tell him? Heck no. Was I bitter? You bet. He will never invite me to his home, because I’m not upper crust.
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It wouldn’t be that bad to ask for directions if the people that gave them were any better at knowing how to get there then you were.
Trust me, I would be like your cousin in most situations, avoiding family and all, EXCEPT if I had a million dollar ballroom. Then I would be bragging it up and inviting them to come visit anytime.
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This kind of stuff makes me pretty sick. Just saying. Scary to think it actually happens. O.o
By the way, that moving picture of Agent Smith would be so appropriate to use almost half of all the times. ALL THE TIMES.
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So it would be appropriate almost half the time, but also ALL THE TIMES. Sounds like your math skills are as sound as mine. 🙂
It makes me ill that people with that much don’t share more with people. Maybe they do, but it seems like they have a whole lot more to share if they can afford those monstrosities.
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Yeah, I don’t even want to get into math . . .
‘Monstrosities’ would be . . . yeah. Accurate. O.o
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I want to avoid all the maths.
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Do you want the Golden bidet or Million Dollar RV?
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I want the golden mullet. So I can look even more ridiculous.
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Good one!
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Not that I need any help being ridiculous.
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On the one (moisturized, manicured) hand, if you earn your money (of which the gov’t will get 30% anyway), it is yours to do as you like. You have the freedom to be a good witch or a bad witch, focused on helping others or focusing inwardly on all your inane obsessions with Mongolian tile, if that’s what you need to validate your worth. On the other (chafed, wrinkled) hand, you can sponsor a child in extreme poverty for the cost of only one cup of coffee a day. When you meet your maker, is He going to give you props for the well-conceived design of your rooms or props for giving a hundred children the gift of making it to age 12? My guess is hell doesn’t have Mongolian tile. But at least you have the memory.
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I wonder what kind of flooring hell will have. I guess I will find out soon enough.
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Linoleum, Ben. You know in your heart.
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At least the floors won’t freeze on a cold winter hell morning.
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Dear Bitter; I am disappointed that you did not close the loop on this important subject, and offer up a fundraising plan or a charitable group where we could go and donate to. Perhaps Habitat for the Insanely Rich or something..
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I don’t forget to leave the address for donation for No Cure for Bitterness, my favorite foundation. I hope you will consider that for your favorite donating needs!
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I’ll give what’s left over after I install my gold-plated toilet seat….
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Only gold plated? I want a solid gold lou.
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Humor woven into truth lightens the day!
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I wish that was the intent but it just came out in a jumbled mess.
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Imagine if we put these go-getters up to more trivial tasks like curing cancer, ending threats of nuclear warfare, or gaining independence for Scotland ya know? Like what a waste of time that would be when they’ve got shacks for homes to remodel?!
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But you have to realize that need to build a new 1500 square foot closet for all their shoes! They don’t have the time or money for curing cancer!
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Definitely not the money.
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Poor guy. Mongolian tile is so hard to come by. He should have thought ahead and had some mongolians shipped to his house to make the tile there, directly for his ceiling.
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I don’t even know if Mongolian Tile exists. Maybe it doesn’t and that is why it is so rare.
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Wow. That’s deep Bitter Ben. If there’s no Mongolian tile, what do all the rare mongolian tile makers do for a living? Think about what you’re saying here. It’s the butterfly effect, man.
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It’s deep only because I used to collect baseball cards and the ones that were the rarest were the most valuable.
As far as the rare Mongolian tile makers, they rarely go to work.
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Dude, your funny! I’m clicking the follow button as long as I don’t get lost.
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It can get a little confusing around here, so make sure you bring your GPS. Whatever you do, don’t ask for instructions.
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LOL, that was really funny, thank you. I love the people who spend more money remodeling their bathroom than my house is even worth and then call it “decorating on a budget.” My other favorite is, “how to prepare a simple meal for only 50 bucks.” What planet are these people even orbiting on??
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The planet of First World Problems. If they had an idea how much money they could donate to a good cause…like my bitter takeover of this world.
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