I bid you a bitter welcome, Bittertarians. Or Bittermaliens. Or Bitter people? I’m not sure what to call you, but you bitter come up with something, because it makes me bitter not knowing what to call you. I’m putting on my Professor Bitter Ben hat so I can be your boring lecturereer for the today. Let’s talk some statistics. I know. I dread them so much that when I was in COLLEGE (Yes I went to college. They were happy to take my money.), I took a stats class by one of the biggest jerks in our entire school, maybe even the world (I don’t remember if he was in the World’s Biggest Jerk finals with me, cause I’m a jerk and didn’t acknowledge any of the other jerks there.) and ended up getting a 10% FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS. He gave us 11% just to fill out our names on the test, so I probably even spelled my name wrong, but that is besides the point. What I am trying to say is I don’t like stats. How they work, how they relate to me at all, whatsoever, how they are added together, nothing. I see the stats on my Page and while some of them are impressive, mostly they don’t mean much. Let me give you a fer instance.
At this moment in time it tells me I have 5103 BLOG followers (meaning WordPressians) and I have 5,600 total followers (which include my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc.). You might look at that many that I have and feel envious, and you should be. But I’ve worked hard to obtain this many followers, including bribery (my parents and family) shaming people, guilting people, blackmailing people and pretending to like people. And I’ve also written over 400 posts. I don’t know if you know this, but I have barely ever even done anything in my life 400 times. Brush my teeth? Maybe. I’ve been a fan of the San Antonio Spurs for over 26 years and I don’t think I’ve watched 400 games in that many years. Work? I’ve probably been to work 400 times, but I doubt I’ve actually worked that many hours total AT work.
So here is what makes me bitter about ONLY 5000 followers. Do you have any idea how little percentage of the entire world 5000 is? .0000007142857%. If you figure there are 7 billion people on planet earth, not only am I not getting a passing grade, I’m not even getting an Z-, which means I’m way worse at blogging then I was on that statistics class. See how bitter it makes me that there are only 5000 of you?
And of those 5000+ none of you are loyal. Alright some of you may claim you are, but you aren’t. Sure you may read every post from the time you started following me, but have you read all my posts? I’m not statistician, but it didn’t take me long to figure that not one of you have read all 400 posts. Not my mom, not my wife, not my kids, and not one of you. I haven’t even read them all, as you can tell by the all the mistakes in editing. And that’s just reading the posts. Have you purchased any of my bitter blog T-shirts? Went to any Bitter Ben restaurants? Bought the books, or read the magazine, or seen the TV show or the YouTube channels or watched The Bitter Entertainment Network, or bought any Ben’s Bitter Chocolate Bars, or bought my album on Itunes, or stock in BBB Incorporated? Have you stalked me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or at my house yet? Have you started a Bitter Ben Fanclub? I barely less annoying than Justin Beiber and he has millions of followers on all those things. If you’re not even one of those things, how can I consider you a loyal follower?
Don’t go hitting unsubscribe either, because you may not be a loyal follower, but I am an incredibly great stalker. I know where all of your blogs live. If you even think about it, I will leave a positive comment on your blog that will destroy your blog’s credibility, because everyone knows, you don’t want nice comments from me. In fact, in my mind, I just saw someone think about it, and their blog was shut down, their Facebook was cancelled by Zuckerberg himself, and their Twitter has become a ghost as we speak.
I see that I just passed 20,000 comments, which is a very poor showing by you guys, especially considering that I did half those. And your views of ONLY 73,000+, a joke. I have viewed 70,000 just this morning, though I have to admit most of those 70,000 things were the back of my eyelids and the red and blue lights of the cops behind me while I was driving while viewing the back of my eyelids. Some cops are so picky about the awareness of people while driving. I swear, some cops. At this point, I am disgusted by how few of you listening to my lecture. Just go back to sleep, you slackers. I’ve got work to avoid and I don’t have time to babysit you anymore.
Bitter Bad Statistician Ben