If I ruled the world…it would be a Bitter Place

I was reading the post of a fellow blogger, Alanna, a couple of weeks ago and she wrote a short post about what she would do if she ruled the world. Of course, I thought it was a great idea for a post so I am stealing it because I don’t have any original thought. I thought it was appropriate to take over the world as it is kind of a bitter place, but not bitter enough. This isn’t a comprehensive list, because I’m not that organized, but things will be added later.  For now, here are the things I will implement right away.

First things first.  My face will be the international symbol of run.  Caution, danger, run for the hills.  If there is a disaster waiting to happen or has happened, post the international symbol of bitterness.

The cloud will be a place where I store all my bitter thoughts until it gets so full, it will rain down bitterness enough to cover the whole earth.

Phones would be banned as a form of communication.  You can carry around a smart computer that does everything else, but there will be no phones.  Text, speak face to face, Skype, or Facetime, or invent something else that takes the place of phones, but they are banned forever in the Bitter World.

You can be rich and famous, but if you are a jerk about it, I will send you to be with other jerks to Rich People jail in the bottom of Antarctica,  where Wi-fi doesn’t work and your money is no good.

Job interviews and layoffs are a thing of the past.  If you know what you want to do and you can explain it to someone in clear manner and you and the employer agree that you would be a good fit, fine.  But if you are an introvert and you can’t stand to talk to people about what you are good at, you are allowed to get a brain scan that will show all the employers what you are good at, and they will be able to come find you.  No scraping for jobs if you want one.  You can work from home if you want, or get a bonus to work at the office.

This one is for me. My weak pathetic limbs like my knees, shoulders, feet and hips are to be replaced by far superior robotic technology.  That way if I am sore, instead of taking 2 Aleve’s, I just get some Wd-40 and I’m good.  I want to be able run, jump, and dunk at the age of 85.

One language for goodness sake.  The dictionary will not have all these freaky unnecessary words that no one uses.  Just like the clothes in our closets, if no one has used a word in over a year, it’s gone from the bitter dictionary.  And if we find a cool combo word that makes sense, like snarcasm, add it to the mix.  But if it becomes so tired that they are starting to name shows after it, like Selfie, or no one knows what it really means even after consulting the Urban Dictionary, it’s out.  If you don’t like it, you can go to helfie.

Everyone is born with BS meters.  When they get full for the occasion (work, party, watching football commentators) you are free to leave the conversation immediately and without question, or stay in it for entertainment value.  For goodness sake, you should only have to take so much crap.

Fame won’t be determined by how well you dribble, throw, or hit a ball.  It won’t be determined how well you screw up laws in a country or how well you perform in front of a camera.  It won’t be about how rich you are, but how good you are at grinding out a 9-5 for 50 years, or how you stay in marriage for 50 years, or how good you are at showing up when you say you will be there.  Cameras will be outside capturing a guy that worked for an entire year without getting sick or a kid that stood up to a bully or a person that fought cancer.

They will be a car cool lane.  If it has been determined that you have been a good driver (only getting ridiculous speeding tickets cause you couldn’t cry your way out of one) and avoided accidents over a sustained period of time, you get to use the car cool lane.  In the car cool lane, there are secret tunnels, warp zones, force fields and you get the use of awesome sports cars and Monster Trucks.  There is no bribing, bullying or intimidating your way in this group.  It’s only for the good responsible drivers over a long period of time.

A second lane will be for the “crash causers”.  The distracted, the excessive speeders, the ones that never learned how to use the breaks or a stick shift, or a mirror or blinker.  The ones that break into cars, forget to leave notes when they run into yours, that ones that apply make up or eat breakfast, or text the whole way, or drink while driving.  In this lane, the cars are only junkers with big bumpers.  It is a no holds barred, bumper car like, speed fest.  You can’t hurt the good drivers in the car cool lane (forcefield) or harm the slow lane (also forcefield).  Items are reigning down like Mario Kart.  Fireballs, boomerangs, blue spiky tortoise shells, banana peels.  You can’t drive, then get ready to be with others that can’t drive either.

One last thing before I go to my first legislative meeting.  Work weeks will be shorter.  That is a must.  4 days max, no crazy overtime, more vacation time, and for goodness sake, more holidays.  6 “official” holidays is not near enough.  And by the way, if there is a holiday, it will be a day off.  St. Patrick’s Day, Flag Day, Veteran’s Day, Easter.  If they are a holiday, we won’t be celebrating those at work.

Alright now I have to go.  The world can’t become a bitter place without me.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Ruler Ben