As you may know if you are savvy at looking at calendars and assessing the difference between days (What’s the difference between Monday and Tuesday again?), you would see that it is Thursday. Since I am such an expert at being bitter, and some of my readers really struggle with being such, I thought I would sit down(my favorite exercise position other than laying down) and dispense with some advice on how to be bitter or bitter ways to do things. In my experience, there is nothing more annoying than being given advice that you just didn’t want or ask for, which is why I am offering my unsolicited Bitter Advice to you today. You can let me know if the comments how annoyed you really are. So ready? No? Good.
Always cross both ways of the street before looking.
Make good eye contact with bears.
When meeting someone for the first time, always ask their name, then immediately forget it, so you can say “What was your name again?” Also, choose at least one thing about that person that annoys you. Make sure to keep that in the back of your mind whenever you see them again.
When trying to achieve a dream, always give your least half-hearted effort.
Make sure that whenever you make a decision, you have at least some regrets.
Whenever someone does something that offends you, passive aggressively get your revenge in slow and subtle ways until they are completely destroyed as a person. Or completely trash their house.
Life is a sprint, not a marathon. Get thoroughly frustrated about everything in a hurry.
Life is about the little details. Like why did that guy just cut me off? I’m really angry about being late to my job that I can’t stand.
Always lack a clear vision of where you are going. Either get some glasses that don’t work, or get botched eye surgery.
Hire a lawyer. They will gladly charge you lots of money per hour to do not much. Plus, you can make really bad jokes at their expense that they have totally heard before.
Wrestle sharks. Cause they are kind of arrogant about their wrestling skills against humans and need to learn a lesson or two.
Always go into a long race unprepared, except for the prepared food you eat right before it. Pasta is always a good pre-race favorite.
Always bring a steak knife to a gun fight. You know, in case they miss and you need something to cut your steak with afterwards.
Be arrogant without being talented. That way people will despise you even more.
Always expect the world without having to work for it. Then you will almost always be bitterly disappointed. Except if you win the lottery. But then be upset because you didn’t win more.
Be bad, or be bad at it.
Always buy stuff that you have no intention of ever paying for.
No amount of credit card debt is too much.
Watch the news so you can be more informed…about how messed up other people are.
Stay up late, wake up early.
Whenever someone makes a mistake, remember, criticize them, because everyone makes mistakes and you want to cover up yours by putting the emphasis on other people’s mistakes.
Always listen to other people’s advice.
I know there is a lot to think about, but remember, you shouldn’t take things day by day. Try to cram all these things in one day, because if you don’t do them today, there is no tomorrow. So get out there and obey. Heed my terrible advice so you can ruin someone else’s day.
Bitterly Mistaken Ben