My Bitter Stunt Double

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Nature is so good at things that don’t involve growing.

I’ve been waiting to say something mean to my co-workers all day.  I know it is only 6:05 am and none of them are here yet, and they haven’t said their morning stupid thing yet, or had a chance to avoid doing my work for me yet, but I am primed and pumped to ruin their day and they are making me wait.  I can’t believe they were so rude as to not come in early today, so I could insult them.  The nerve of some people.  In the meantime, I am going to have to go on the internet and find someone that has done something good or creative or special and demean them while I’m waiting.  Because how can they learn and grow and make better stuff, if there isn’t a critic or naysayer to bring them down to their lowest of self esteem.  I should know. Someone I don’t know once said something mean to me and look how bitter I became because of that one thing.  Look how this collection of hundreds of posts that have had no impact in your life except to pass the time until another good blog comes along seconds later in the Reader.  I am here to fill the empty space in your life and in your head until something WAY better comes along(which is anything). I’m kind of like TV that way.

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My stunt double is the one in the shirt. He is so much more emotional than me.

 

As you know, in television sometimes there are action scenes.  You know, like on say Keeping Up with the Kardashians when Kim is forced to get out bed by ‘gasp’ 11 am IN THE MORNING? As you all know, actors never do their own stunts because they are so valuable.  So they hire someone that is either insane in the head or just really looks like the actor or actress and make them do the hard things, I.E. the stuff that doesn’t involve talking at someone else.  Whether it is to step in front of a bus, jump off a building, or wake up before 11 am, actors and actresses need their stunt double.  Not only that, but they ask their stunt double to do the most vile thing ever in Hollywood.  That’s right.  They ask them to wear the same outfit as them, knowing that no one in Hollywood will ever respect them, knowing that they wore the same thing as a celebrity after the celebrity wore it.  Joan River’s will mock and taunt and squeak in some high pitched tone that only the devil understands and their career will be over.  They will be forced to be stunt doubles of ordinary people.  Or of even really bitter people.

 

My stunt double's portrayal of me getting over the door was way too coordinated.

My stunt double’s portrayal of me getting over the door was way too coordinated.

My stunt double is one of the worst in the business.  He couldn’t even get a job with a C list celebrity because he has been working for me for 41 years.  I don’t know if you have ever seen this guy, on my blog, Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, but he is a mess.  Have you seen this guy’s double chins? Have you seen the dark circles dominating his tired, dead eyes?  Have you seen his hairline quickly disappearing like the fading sunset? Have you seen his incredibly weak back struggling to hold up such a formidable front (looks like he is storing a soccer ball in that Buddah belly)? Have you seen the scar on his jaw from falling off his big wheel when he was 6 (or 16, I can’t remember)? Have you seen his weak pale arms that have done the sum total of one pull-up in his entire life? I know, he looks amazing compared to me.  I fear that I will have to fire him someday soon if he continues to show up to work and Facebook looking so good.  People are only willing to suspend their belief so far.  I need him to step up in dressing down.  I’m also going to need him to step down the performance at work or people may expect something of me someday.  That just cannot happen.

My stunt double getting knocked out. If he isn't more pathetic next time, no one will believe he is my stunt double.

My stunt double getting knocked out. If he isn’t more pathetic next time, no one will believe he is my stunt double.

 

I would tell you more about this hideous wanna be actor stunt double, but I have to brief him more on what he needs to do for me this morning.  He has to make me look believable as a slacker who only does the minimum and that isn’t something that you just fall out of bed doing.  It takes work, dedication and a really bored look on your face.  Some sighing, eye rolling and chin securely resting on your palm takes some practice.  By the way, stunt double, I think a period goes at the end of the sentence.  Do I have to tell you everything? Geez.

ARRRRGGGHHH

Bitter Stunt Double Ben

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50 thoughts on “My Bitter Stunt Double

  1. Pingback: In case missed it…because you were busy ruining your knees at your Father Daughter Dance | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. I promise I read this, but I keep thinking . . .
    That dude punched that kid in the face. While essentially wearing underwear.
    I could say more, but I think that covers it.
    (Does that count as a pun?)

    Like

    • Yes, that counts as a pun. It was so subtle I would have missed it and I am the pun master. So good on you!

      And you are right. Though it looks like an accident, I’m sure that kid has a right to sue that guy or at least get some swag. (I’m guessing he is a popular wrestler or something.)

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      • Thanks. 🙂

        I don’t watch wrestling, so I wouldn’t know.
        Just seems weird to me, to have all those kids sitting around men with pretty much no clothes on.
        Maybe I’m just weird. *shrug*

        Like

  3. A bitterly terrible space-filler of a post. I now feel relieved… oops… sorry, I’ll mop that up. Some of us can’t afford the luxury of a stunt double, some of us have to do everything ourselves… tsk!
    😉

    Like

  4. Man, I wish my stunt double was on hand right now to get cracking on that ironing while I go shop for shoes and look at shiny stuff on the internet. The slacker is busy stalking fellow bloggers and “reading posts” (so she tells me…). THAT’S MY JOB!. It’s so hard to get good help these days. Especially when you put zero effort into your search.

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  5. I was reading along, smiling, chuckling, enjoying, UNTIL I came to your sentence: ‘Joan River’s will mock and taunt and squeak in some high pitched tone that only the devil understands’ and I spewed tea all over my desk. Dang you crack me UP! Thanks for ruining my keyboard.

    Like

  6. Always bitter. We can rely on you for that. Personally, I need that bitterness with my sickening sweet coffee every morning. Bitterness and english muffins with jam. If there’s enough bitterness I won’t need the jam. And my evening drink? Well, I’ve never liked gin (smells like perfume) but I have found that a gin and tonic with bitterness is quite bitter. So, be bitter–I’m counting on your bitterness. Lucy

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