Why do I watch Bitter TV?

Me, but way creepier, and a lot less attractive.  Also, more man like.

Me, but way creepier, and a lot less attractive. Also, more male like.

Some people might know me as a person that works and does things and when I get the time, I watch television.  The fact of the matter is that I’m not so much a really lazy person, but more of a semi-ambitious couch.   I do get up on occasion to feed myself and check and see if my kids are still alive, but mostly I just pay about 98% attention to the TV and 2% to my kids mortality.  Like a band aid from a really hairy arm, I need to be surgically removed from my couch to sleep, eat and work.  It’s painful, it’s nasty and it is only done out of complete necessity.  If it were possible to do all those other things from the couch by remote control (this is the future I am praying for) then I will someday just become 100% couch.

Me, but with less breathing and blinking.

Me, but with less breathing and blinking.

I love “idea” of television, the fact that you can sit in a comfortable chair and stare at a box of lights and pretty pictures and you don’t have to do a thing, but eat sugary snacks. I also love the picture of television (they are so HD these days you can almost feel the breeze from a show about Hawaii).  The best of all is the social aspect.  This is especially true of dudes or introverts.  If there is a television on and people are around, you either have the buffer of the show you are watching, so you don’t have to say anything, or you can just make bitter witty comments about the program.

While the idea, picture and social aspects of television are key to making it my go to entertainment option, I have a big problem with television.  The shows.  I have had some must see programs that I would never miss, but they are screeching to a scary car crash halt.   I used to literally(not literally) push an old lady in a walker down some steps and out of the way if she made a noise or got in the view of the television when I was watching Smallville, Chuck, Heroes, or Community. I know they aren’t your favorite show, snobby HBO, Showtime, AMC snobs, but they were my must watch TV shows. Deal with it.(Sorry, not sorry HBO, Showtime, or AMC snobs).

Now that all those shows are over and I have no replacements, I sometimes wonder why I watch television at all (besides the aforementioned reasons).  Probably because there are other humans that live in my house that like to watch stuff, so I was just go with the flow, watching their crap shows because I’m couch bound.  Also I can write blog posts, check scores on basketball games or making really rude and bitter comments on other people’s blogs.  But why do I get invested in some of the shows they were watching?  Why do I actually look forward to watching programs that I don’t like?

Cause it is fun to trash other people's creations.

Cause it is fun to trash other people’s creations.

Then it hit me.  I like to watch TV now to trash it.  You are either a creator or a destroyer right? So instead of creating my own TV show that would just get cancelled after two episodes, I make fun of other people’s shows that will be cancelled after two episodes.  Or I make fun of the Kardashian’s and their nasally whining over their severe first world problems.  Or I say, “You have to be joking!” every time I hear the newest, absurdest reality show premise that comes out that you think could never be topped in insane ludicriousity, until next week when a more absurd one comes out.  This is why I keep watching TV.  If I ever become invested in a show that I ACTUALLY like, I would have to pay attention, I would have to think and I would have to actually plan my life around a time when I could watch the DVR of it.  And that just is not acceptable anymore.  If I watch, I must mock.  There can be no more favorite show.  I can’t have anymore appointment TV.  Or I would become bitter and “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

I sure don't.  I got TV to watch.

I sure don’t. I got TV to trash.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter TV Show Ben

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59 thoughts on “Why do I watch Bitter TV?

  1. See I love the trashy shows because sometimes I just want to turn my brain off for a while. My boyfriend, on the other hand, loves watching the reality shows I like just to make fun of them.

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  2. My mother is obsessed with trashy shows, It drives me nuts. She will even text me updates. Show about multiple lives? She is right there. Show about a trailer park? Yup, she’s there too. Show about 19 kids? Yup, there as well.. Basically TLC was made for her.

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  3. Lately my eyes are getting a good workout from constantly rolling up into my head every time a new show is announced – take Marriage Bootcamp Reality Stars. I can’t even watch because of the fear that I will develop severely muscular eyelids or something, making me freakishly weird; or that I might die laughing at the POP-OFF! antics of Tanisha. Is there such a thing as laughing ’til you cry because something is Just. So. SAD!? Or, ANNOYING!?

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    • My eyes need more of a workout being closed on the couch. I get such a headache watching these idiots get any of my time, but can’t look away. It’s funny that you mentioned that Marriage Bootcamp, because my wife ended up on that one and like you said that screaming lady was on my last nerve the moment she walked in the house. I just couldn’t watch any more of it.

      I just watched one last night called Escape Resort or something on E channel where some losers that “couldn’t deal with their lives” got sent to a beautiful resort so they could fight, drink and hook up with each other and go home even bigger losers.

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      • LOL You had to see her on Bad Girls Club – OMG, she made me want to deny my hometown (she’s from Brooklyn and I’ll be damned if everybody thinks all Brooklyn girls are like THAT one).

        “Even Bigger Losers” is a good name for a new reality show; it’s like they all wind up there anyway…

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        • I’m glad I never made it to the Bad Girls Club. It would have injected bitterness into my veins directly just to end it, if I had to see any more of her on my TV.

          They just need to come up with a show called Biggest Loser Lord of the Flys and just put every reality show contestant ever on the island and make them all hunt each other down until only none of them survived.

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  4. You could do a Mystery Science Theater 3000 show where you watch other peoples’ shows and make bitter comments about them!
    I would subscribe to that YouTube channel.

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  5. I saw somewhere a while back that they were starting Heroes back up, for a miniseries I think?
    I LOVED the first season of it, but then it just went downhill (in my opinion). That bummed me out.

    Husband and I watched a random episode of Community the other day, and I made the same comment I’ve made probably thirty times or more.
    “The first season was so good. Why did they do this to it?”
    You might not agree with me on that (I know how you love that show), but I don’t know. I guess it just got too weird for me, with no plausible excuse as to how/why the weirdness was there. Still made me laugh though, but it always disappointed me after the first season. :/

    Now that you were talking about TV shows (and your favorites), it’s sent me into another bout of Merlin withdrawals, so thank you for that. XD

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    • I sure hope they do. I think there was so much hate for the way the finale of Season 1 and the next season went that it started affecting the performance of the show. What people don’t remember about that time was that there was a writer’s strike and shows were getting thrown together quickly or by writer’s that weren’t “in the guild”. I’m guessing that if the writer’s of the show had more time, things may have gone way differently. As for me, I’m a pretty loyal TV watcher, regardless of how bad things get. I watched every episode of Smallville ever, the first time they came out and they went over 200 episodes.

      As far as Community, to me it was never about the absurdity of the episodes, it was always about the relationship of the Greendale 7. They had some pretty epic episodes, like the one that became a video game, the GI Joe episode, and numerous others that were pure genius. Sure they had a few misses, but for the most part, the worst Community episode was better than 95% of other crappy comedies on TV (especially CBS). I just know that I’m gonna miss it severely, and will always be bitter that more people didn’t watch it, thus getting it cancelled.

      You should be rewarded to go watch some Merlin after having to read my stupid rant about Community.

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      • I’d totally forgotten about the writer’s strike. That second season of Heroes was shorter than the first, if I remember correctly.
        I know what you mean. I tend to keep watching things regardless. Smallville was kind of an exception. I don’t even know why I stopped watching it. I think that was right around the time I met Husband, got distracted, etc. I tried to get him to watch the first season, but my DVD for it somehow got defective (even though I’d watched it before) and wouldn’t play the first episode. So that never happened.
        I can’t remember if I stopped on season four or five, but I think I have up to the sixth season on DVD. But I pretty much can’t watch DVD’s anymore . . .

        I think that was why Community fell off for me (along with the absurdity, which didn’t always bother me but sometimes did), to be honest. The relationships just got too . . . SOMETHING. Or maybe it wasn’t the relationships and was more so all the directions the characters took. :/
        My all-time favorite Community episode was the zombie one. 🙂

        Definitely understand being bitter about more people not watching it. Enlisted was one of my favorite new shows this season and it got cancelled. It wasn’t that people didn’t like it. It was stuck in seriously one of the WORST timeslots. They screwed it from the get-go. 😦

        Can’t watch Merlin. I only have seasons four and five on Blu-ray. Can’t re-watch without watching from the beginning. 😥
        I want to watch it SO BAD.

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  6. Everything we like gets cancelled. EVERYTHING. I guess if we were immoral perves who had no qualms about porn and bad language, we would find plenty to watch. I am bitterly happy with our choices.

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      • My favorite perfume? Discontinued. Styling spray? Out of stock (for like – MONTHS). Football team? Lost the Superbowl. Flavor or gum? Not available in the UK. The world has it in for us, man… >:-(

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      • Well, i feel for y’all. But- the restaurant where i celebrated my high school graduation burned down, the restaurant where my wife (ex) and i ate our after-just-getting married meal burned down, the church building where we were married? Burned down to make the area into a park. The house we lived in together the longest…not burned down…no, it is now painted pepto bismol pink. I wish i was joking, but alas, this is the truth.

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        • Sounds like you are the Burn Notice guy. Or you have some sort of heat sinking missle. For me, whatever school I went to changed its name and added a level once I left. My junior college became a four year after I left and my 4 year, got a master’s program after I left.

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  7. Your post really resonated with me. I’m also moving toward a 100% commitment to my TV. I’m currently trying to sell my car (since I won’t need to travel) so I can fund an upgrade to a TV that provides a far better atmospheric presence, so that the transition between TV and reality becomes indistinguishable. I heard about the Hawaii breeze thing too. Apparently the new Advanced Delusional High Definition (ADHD) format is so good, that if you are watching a boxing match for instance… you actually feel the punches to the face, not just from the boxers, but also from the fights breaking out in the background by the testosterone enhanced neurotic crowd. The new TVs do come with some health warnings if watching Horror or Romantic Comedy genres, but it’s otherwise perfectly safe.

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  8. Hey, I’ve got a totally out of the blue question for you – do you actually like Reddit? Do their snarky comments on your posts make your day? Just wondering……

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  9. I share your enthusiasm for TV. I currently have 4 shows that are mandatory “must watch” for me. I might sell my first born for access to the seasons that haven’t come out on NetFlix yet. I believe creative ppl like to be occupied by something other than their racing minds. Good stuff.

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    • I used to have the mandatory shows, but they are all cancelled, thus just another bitter thing for me. You are right about creative people needing to have our minds slowing down. BTW, great stand up comedies. You are living my dream!

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  10. I found myself watching the Bachelor/ette just so I had something to yell at. I am guilty of bladder abuse because I will wait until I am in physical pain before getting up from watching something as ridiculous as “american ninja warrior” because i don’t want to miss some dude eat it on the “warped wall”. thanks for making me feel less alone in my lethargy Ben!

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