From The Bitter May Snowstorm to Bitter Ben Gardner Newsletter Vol. 3

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The cotton snow storm. (Don’t hate that I can take super bitter blurry pictures).

Seattle is one of the few places in Western hemisphere where it can go a whole year without snow from October to April, but somehow hammer us with snow in May.  When I first moved here 13 years ago and witnessed the phenomenon, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  The worst part was the reaction from the rest of the people here.  It was not the shock and awe like you would expect, but meh, like they were Kim Kardashian seeing yet another camera in her bathroom.  It didn’t faze anyone AT ALL.  I kept asking like a crazy person, “What is this? Why?”  It isn’t the wet, flaky stuff that South Dakota is buried under for 5 months every year. It is these cottonwood trees that apparently get sunburned (the one day a year we get sun) and decide to shed their cotton skin, all over the ground.  It never caused delays (that I know of), but I have literally (I try to use this word cautiously unlike most people) seen people with shovels getting this stuff off their driveways. I wouldn’t be surprised to see people going down a cottonwood mountain slope skiing, or walking outside their house and getting assaulted so fast by this stuff that they would have a Santa Clause beard.  Yesterday, since I’m one of those window roller downer’s (cause soooome people don’t have air conditioning), I was getting assaulted by this cotton seed snow crap trying to flood my car and my nostrils.  It is an insane thing that more people should be talking about, but no one does.  This is a bitter annoyant and it needs to be exposed.

Speaking of exposing, this intrepid reporter of completely unrealistic world taking over news (me back in 1998) was busy exposing the world to something even worse than cotton snowstorms in May.  The prospect of me, taking over the world.  Just so you know, if I had succeeded, the world would still be bitter, the Bitter White House would still be a mess, there would be still be worldwide crises on a constant basis,  and lots of naps would be taken…by me.  So you would feel right at home.  Except C-Span would just be video of me taking naps.

Before I lay down for my daily nap at my work desk, I present to you Ben Gardner Newsletter Vol. 3.

 

The crossed out words allow your imagination to go wild.  Just don't blame me if your imagination is wrong.

The crossed out words allow your imagination to go wild. Just don’t blame me if your imagination is wrong.

 

I would stay and discuss, but I have to go outside and clean my car from all the stupid snow.

ARRRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Snow More Ben

 

 

 

 

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28 thoughts on “From The Bitter May Snowstorm to Bitter Ben Gardner Newsletter Vol. 3

  1. Pingback: In case you missed it..because you were Tire-d | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. I would go out and campaign and sing praises for your Bitter Regime, but I was too busy taking a nap.

    Hilarious, though! A pleasure being here.

    Like

  3. So cool that you were on “Tool Time.” I’m sure it didn’t jump the shark until after your appearance. Just TODAY I was praising the cottonwood tree on another person’s blog, so this only makes sense that you would hate it. True, it does rain cotton, but the one in our backyard is not raining at all. It’s just shimmying its flat green leaves like a cabaret dancer and making a lovely shhhh-ing sound. And it’s better than real snow; no slush!

    Like

  4. Since you are about to rule the world, perhaps you could explain the Press This thingie. I’ve read WordPress’ gobby-gook on it , now I need an interpretation. And by the way when you do rule the world please get rid of Press This and also all stupid acronyms. Thank you… Your humble servant

    Like

    • I think it is if you want to use something from someone else’s blog on yours. Which is kinda useless because that can be taken care of by reposting. But whatever. I will get rid of Press this as soon as I rule.

      Like

  5. We live on an island in the Mississippi River that is home to massive cottonwood groves. We, too, have snow in June. It’s odd, odd to see the snow floating down the street. Enjoyed the post

    Like

  6. I hereby submit my application as your bitter campaign manger in your Bitter World Take Over campaign, should you, in some unlikely event, feel it would be a better way to spend your time than napping.

    Like

  7. Where I live, we had snow about 30 years ago for about 5 minutes. There was an ice storm in the 1980’s too. In the souther part of the state, in the land of the perpetual hibiscus, you can see your breath during winter on rare occasion.

    Like

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